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I have been in a relationship 8 months with the prospect of living with my partner. But she has two utterly spoilt children, 17 and 20, and the daughter has taken an irrational dislike to me. She abused me verbally and physically once when my partner was out of the house.
As an easy-going, loving person I find it detestable that her mother is unable to control them and even tolerates verbal abuse from her son. It is pitiful to see her being a victim like this but I'm powerless to step in as I'm on a loser whatever I say.
So now the stage has been reached where the daughter throws tearful tantrums if her mother mentions I am coming over. She sees me as a threat, but that's a childish response. It is no exaggeration to say that these children are often rude to people besides myself, often display ill-mannered behaviour and are almost totally self-absorbed.
My partner and I have a loving relationship that is being destroyed by this spoilt brat, who is arrogant and highly opinionated. My gripe is why so many parents today have no control over their offspring but become victims to them.
To me, these kids have no respect for their parents when they manipulate them by such things as "If he comes over I'm leaving home..." and so on. It's tragic to see a female friend who is in a similar situation because her daughter "hates" her mother's boyfriend.
Children ought to respect their parent's wishes and not sabotage their relationships. The trouble is that so many parents have been too soft and never said 'No' to their little ones. Consequently they grow up spoilt, arrogant, controlling and manipulative because they are accustomed to having their own way and throw a wobbly when they don't.
How can a single parent address this at such a late stage of their childrens' development? Many have suggested to me that they can't. Common courtesy, morals and even basic politeness have not been instilled.
The parents may end up the losers in the long run. I understand and appreciate parental sacrifices, but not a lack of control or martyrdom.
By: Lost Lover
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Spoilt children have no respect for anyone never mind their own parents! We didnt have a lot as kids growing up, we didnt stamp our feet and get what we wanted because our parents did not have the money. We got spoilt at Christmas and birthdays but never got the best of everything, even if we did it was second hand but that didnt bother us. We were loved fed warm clothed and our parents were always around. Our Dad was pretty strict at times and he lived by the ways he was raised. Obviousley we didnt get the slipper or belt but we did get a good backside smacking if we did something really bad. Most importantly we were taught to have respect. I grew up with kids who were spoilt rotten, got everything they wanted when they wanted it, went abroad every half term never mind every summer hols and they were the rudest most disrespectful kids ever. Their patents were never around as they seemed to live at work and so these kids were either looked after by nannies or left uo to their own devices as they got older. They had no respect for anyone. My kids get what they need rather than what they want and i leave the spoiling to Christams, birthdays and if ive got any spare cash. I do not smack my children but i do shout at them if they have done wrong. We have one family holiday a year in the Uk as we cant afford to go abroad. My kids are well behaved, polite and appreciate what they get and are grateful. I dont give into them if they stamp their feet. Kids who are born with a silver spoon in their mouths are the worst kidsvwhen it comes to having respect and they look down their noses at more humble folk like me and my family but at least weve got manners. we may not have much money but you dont neex money to be respectful
01/04/13 kandl
9
These children are adults and should know better! As they do not you are not onto a winner here - if your partner has not ever shown proper authority to them (it is PERFECTLY possible for a lone parent to do this BTW) it isn't going to suddenly change now, sorry, but it is too late.
When my kids were younger I would have been much more respectful of therir wishes around a boyfriend, but now they are in their teens they will not dictate to me what I do and with whom. Unfortunately your partner has not instilled sufficient respect in her children and that is going to affeect her life adversely until she realises that she does not have to be a doormat to her 'adult' children.
26/02/12 Ellesar
When my kids were younger I would have been much more respectful of therir wishes around a boyfriend, but now they are in their teens they will not dictate to me what I do and with whom. Unfortunately your partner has not instilled sufficient respect in her children and that is going to affeect her life adversely until she realises that she does not have to be a doormat to her 'adult' children.
4
I guess the point of the comment is. I understand how shitty of a choice a parents partner can be for a child but in contrast. there are way too many demanding and spoiled children out there. I am having a tough time myself I have a GF that I love, but her child's attitude is deplorable. He is a little too spoiled and he definatly enjoys it. I try not to interfere as it is not my place, but my girlfriend keeps dumpin the responsibility of him onto me and I really dont like the way he has been conditioned. I have been told I am good with kids. I am asked to teach, ages k-12 even some college.
This young one i have the most difficult time with. I express my concerns to my GF but she blames hunger or sleepiness on his behavior. I kindly remind her that hes not 2 anymore, and these are developing patterns. She becomes angered.
He is shuffled between the parents and they both coddle and attempt to win his favor over the other. It has made him vey unappreciated and somewhat arrogant for someone incapable of performing basic tasks. He just sits and wines and watches cartoons. People tell me thats what kids do but I feel that its only kids from this cultural mindset. Judging from all the other admissions this sounds like a horrible trend. What kind of people will they become? Part of me feels that its not my place. Another part of me feels that to be idle will be a worse choice.
I dont believe in being a kids "friend"
02/01/12 Tim
This young one i have the most difficult time with. I express my concerns to my GF but she blames hunger or sleepiness on his behavior. I kindly remind her that hes not 2 anymore, and these are developing patterns. She becomes angered.
He is shuffled between the parents and they both coddle and attempt to win his favor over the other. It has made him vey unappreciated and somewhat arrogant for someone incapable of performing basic tasks. He just sits and wines and watches cartoons. People tell me thats what kids do but I feel that its only kids from this cultural mindset. Judging from all the other admissions this sounds like a horrible trend. What kind of people will they become? Part of me feels that its not my place. Another part of me feels that to be idle will be a worse choice.
I dont believe in being a kids "friend"
-4
Sadly my opinion, its mixed. I understand the aspect from the child. It wasn't there choice to have and extra curricular parent. Being a step child it was a terrible experience. I was less than a dog to my step family, and being brown and them being a smidgen on the neo nazi side didn't make life any easier. I think my mom felt guilty for my treatment but was stuck and felt powerless. My mom overcompensated by giving me toys and candy, but my step family hated anything I would get and punish me for anything she gave. My parents were not druggies but all of there spawn were meth addicts and I had to deal with constant theft and what I call meth rage (I know that not a technical term, but it describes the behavior well)
Growing up was a very lonely confusing and isolating experience. I was treated as though I was unwanted. Anything I said was wrong. When I wouldn't speak I was "too quiet". There was no choice to be made that was fitting in their opinion. In contrast I wasn't a bad kid. I spent my time alone drawing and playing legos. I would sneak out of my room for food.
My room was my prison until I was about 22 when I attained the confidence to leave. By then I had become a pet to them. My years of isolation left me with a lot of knowledge and artistic ability. It was of use to them and they wouldn't really let me leave. When I did I oddly felt guilt. like I had abandoned them.
02/01/12 Tim
Growing up was a very lonely confusing and isolating experience. I was treated as though I was unwanted. Anything I said was wrong. When I wouldn't speak I was "too quiet". There was no choice to be made that was fitting in their opinion. In contrast I wasn't a bad kid. I spent my time alone drawing and playing legos. I would sneak out of my room for food.
My room was my prison until I was about 22 when I attained the confidence to leave. By then I had become a pet to them. My years of isolation left me with a lot of knowledge and artistic ability. It was of use to them and they wouldn't really let me leave. When I did I oddly felt guilt. like I had abandoned them.
11
I can sympathise because this girl sounds like she needs a good smack! I think you should leave while its still early days, leave this woman and het brat to it. Tell her when shes kicked the horrible daughter out then youll go back but while shes there...!!
27/04/11 Tinkerman
-19
The children are obviously protecting themselves from an intruder in their family life. Find someone without kids and leave these children alone. Why should you impose yourself on their lives? You are not their father so just stay out of their situation. They want their father not an artificial substitute. That never really works. They will always long for their real father regardless of how limited a relationship they have with him. You shouldn't try to compete with that or get in the middle like a monkey wrench.
05/02/11 Jefferson Davis
-10
I totally know what you are going through. I have been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years. 1 year ago, my partner sued his ex-wife for custody of their 16 year old daughter which was my idea because his daughter complained(manilpulated us into thinking) that her mother wasn't giving her what she needed and was moving her around from place to place. What a nightmare this has been. She has brought nothing but stress and drama into this house. It is totally ruining my relationship with her Dad. I can not and will not put up with the way she totally disrespects her father. We have had several arguments about this( the daughter and I) to no avail. I can honestly say that I hate her. He is doing everything he can for her. She gives nothing. She is self-centered, manilpulative, selfish, and a liar. Oh, and then there's the mother. Whenever she doesn't get her way, she's on her cell phone complaining to her mother. So now her mom is getting the same complains that we used to get before we got custody. I feel horrible here most of the time, she disrespects me even worse. It's to the point that I can't even look at her without feeling extreme hatred. I don't know what to do either. My partner is ready to sign custody back over to her mother, I can't say that I wish he wouldn't because things would be alot less stressful here and we would be able to be normal again. I love my partner very much and hate to watch this happen to him every day. He is a very loving, caring person and doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Deep down, I know it's killing him and it's really breaking my heart!
07/01/11 Joanie S.
-1
Keep trying to install values, respect for parents, adults and in general people. Discipline is still very important, taking away toys, privileges, etc. It is tough and you'll have a battle on your hand but if you want to enjoy any relationship, this is important ! You are the adult, they are the children. It's time to start saying NO. If you don't, you'll run the risk of having extremely unruly, uncontrollable teenagers, and losing your friends and future partners.
06/12/10 Mia
-4
I am all for supporting families and rights of children but agree with this article that children when they reach secondary school age, do go out of control. Parents are weak and too absorbed in their own problems.
Especially girls are very manipulative. Now with mobile phones and the internet, it makes it easier for them to be sneakier and deceptive.
Girls in particular, are growing up with huge personality problems. Temper tantrums at a much older age, binge drinking at an earlier age, ego trips, sexually overt are all the symptoms of personality disorders.
The fact is that many with problems like these, stay at home causing grief towards their own parents, whatever their age is, even in their 20s!.
31/10/10 hells bells
Especially girls are very manipulative. Now with mobile phones and the internet, it makes it easier for them to be sneakier and deceptive.
Girls in particular, are growing up with huge personality problems. Temper tantrums at a much older age, binge drinking at an earlier age, ego trips, sexually overt are all the symptoms of personality disorders.
The fact is that many with problems like these, stay at home causing grief towards their own parents, whatever their age is, even in their 20s!.
-17
What children? One is 20 - an adult. The other close to being an adult. Neither are children. Time to suggest that your partner comes to you and explain why. If she is not willing to do this and understand why you do not wish to be subjected to abuse then the relationship is a fail. Move on.
31/10/10 ajp
-2
It's not her fault. Sometimes letting your kids around bad influences does this. WAIT, no its always a bad infleunce. I know this 15 year old in my class whos got thousonds of friends, hes currenntly addicted to cigars.
28/10/10 15 year, not the one in the re
-4
Listen, sir, you don't put up with that. She is a failure as a parent and is extremely ignorant as a parent for permitting her child to get away with that kind of behavior. AND, the fact that she allows this shows that she has very little respect for you! And you must have incredibly low self-esteem for tolerating it. She needs to stop behaving like a sappy milktoast with her children and you need to stand your ground and not permit ANYONE in your inner circle to treat you in that manner.
05/10/10 Granny G
-3
we should respect the old people no matter how they behave, we must not forget that old age is another childhood phase and we will also grow old one day . So how we behave now will get back to us when we grow old .
26/09/10 shahid
-11
When I was younger I was accused of being an arrogant spoiled brat by my mother's new husband as well. He encouraged her to kick my brother and me out of the house; I was only seventeen and still in high school. Your attitude to these kids is not helping them accept you. In fact, it is causing more strife. You are older (and presumably wiser) than they are, so it is your duty to be the bigger person.
First of all, stop judging them and try to understand their perspectives. This will be difficult. Resist the urge to defend yourself immediately and really listen to what they are saying. Of course, this means that that they should extend the same courtesy to you. Remember, though, you are not their father and acting like you are will cause resentment.
Once you have a better understanding, changes will need to be made. This will include everyone of you.
Finally, remeber that respect is something you have to earn. Anyone that demands respect had better do their best to act respectably. Also, give them the respect they deserve. If you do not feel that they deserve any respect, it is highly likely that they feel the same way about you. It might help to give a little if you want to get a little.
I hope that your family does not end up like mine. I did not see my mother again until her funeral. You still have the chance to spend your life with a wonderful woman and be a part of her kids lives. Things will only get better through understanding and working on all of the relationships.
30/08/10 Belinda
First of all, stop judging them and try to understand their perspectives. This will be difficult. Resist the urge to defend yourself immediately and really listen to what they are saying. Of course, this means that that they should extend the same courtesy to you. Remember, though, you are not their father and acting like you are will cause resentment.
Once you have a better understanding, changes will need to be made. This will include everyone of you.
Finally, remeber that respect is something you have to earn. Anyone that demands respect had better do their best to act respectably. Also, give them the respect they deserve. If you do not feel that they deserve any respect, it is highly likely that they feel the same way about you. It might help to give a little if you want to get a little.
I hope that your family does not end up like mine. I did not see my mother again until her funeral. You still have the chance to spend your life with a wonderful woman and be a part of her kids lives. Things will only get better through understanding and working on all of the relationships.
-7
anon