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I can't get on with my partner's spoiled daughter

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I have been with my partner for 6 years now.  I love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  The real problem I have though is his spoiled 14 year old daughter and the fact that we just don't get along.

She is spoiled, arrogant, rude, opinionated and has a real sense of entitlement.  From day one I felt she was precocious.  She goes to a very expensive school, is never disciplined and talks how she wants to people.  If she wants anything, she gets it without having to earn it in anyway.

She talks about how rich she will be when she leaves education, how she will have an amazing career, life etc.  Her father never gives her any sense of humility, he seems to be proud of the way she is.  She's a real little princess, no doubt about it!

Can't get on with spoiled daughter I have a son, but have always instilled manners into him.  I have taught him that if he really wants something, he either works for it (he washed cars for a whole week to buy the latest phone he wanted), earns it or gets it for Birthday or Christmas.  He is not a perfect teen (are any?), but he is polite, respectful and has humility.  My partner's daughter on the other hand has none of these attributes.

It now has got to the stage where I can't stand to even be around her.

I have tried everything with her and have spoken to her dad about this, all to no avail.  It now has got to the stage where I can't stand to even be around her and is effecting my relationship with my partner.  I love him dearly, but can't see a future with him when his daughter is getting worse everyday.  I am normally a very friendly person and can get along with most people, but I just can't get on with her at all.  Is this what children have become, arrogant and selfish people with a massive sense of entitlement?

By: White Orchid


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Jefe

Jefe

Wow I'm right there with you! My girlfriend's daughter is so spoiled and have no manners at all. No common sense to clean up after herself. Acts so entitled, doesn't know how to work for anything she wants. Always throws a fit when she doesn't get her way. And mind you, shes about 4'10", 0ver a 100lbs, and whining and throwing fits isn't even cute at all. She mistreats my girlfriend and bullies my daughter, and they're supposed to be stepsisters! It is definitely ruining my relationship with my girlfriend! Idk what to do...I find myself filling my days from wake up to bed time with whatever tasks I can find to avoid going home and being around this spoiled brat! And my 8 year old daughter is miserable as well and I feel so bad!! What do I do?!
Jefe
20th Oct 17 18:51

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Devastated

Devastated

I am so very upset, I thought I had done right by my partner's kids, giving them plenty of space with their dad, having them round with no notice, coming home to a house full when I wanted to relax, taking them on holiday with us and really allowing my partner of 11 years putting them first all the time, I knew I would never win an argument where his kids were involved.

The final straw has just happened and now I don't know if we will be able to keep our relationship going after a huge argument his selfish little bitch of a daughter caused, I will explain, just to see if other people can relate to this......

It was her wedding on Saturday, her mother also has been with her partner for about 3-4 years, her mother's partner decided to pretend he was ill and did not attend the wedding, quite frankly, he really had the right idea.

I spent and absolute fortune on my attire, got ready and on the way downstairs I asked my partner where I needed to pick my corsage up from, to be told that one had not been purchased for me, well, that immediately caused me to be hurt, she clearly classed me as not part of the family. Then in the ceremony, she placed me near the back of the venue. The next thing was my partner and his ex was called to have their photos took, leaving me standing there, if it wasn't for my partner coming back to get me, I would have been only included in the group shots. Then the final straw was that they placed me on another table, not on the top table with my partner with my back towards the bride and groom, I was so upset - I thought, right you have placed me here and I kept my back towards them including whilst they were doing the speeches - and my partner thinks there was nothing wrong with that! Take some advice, never get with someone who has kids - I hate my life right now!
Devastated
4th Jul 17 14:50

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mel

mel

im in same boat, teach my boys (6, and 14) to work for things, not to act entitled and they do have great manners and are kind to everyone for the most part. my bf's 14 yr old daughter is identicle to what you have described. I hate it. I think it stems from her narcissistic mother, and both parents treating her like an adult/spousifying when they split as well. im at a loss, the no manners and entltielement, know it all attitude...ugh, all i can do is keep teaching my boys how i want them to be, and politely correct her if she is out of line around them. its sad, she will become unlikable because noone want s to be around that behavior!
mel
19th Sep 14 17:12

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zyarts

zyarts

I don't get on with my partner's daughter. I have tried but I finally gave up after 20 years!! She is also spoiled and I think because my partner left the home has always feels a bit guilty and never really calls her on her behaviour. It upset me for a very long time and I actually started meditating because of it!

She has a different relationship with her father and he doesn't really see what I see, the underlying hostility and jealousy and also disrespect which actually is the worst.

Only time will tell and I now just leave it well alone. Thankfully she does not come round to visit and has her own place.
zyarts
15th Jun 14 19:12

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Poor you

Poor you

She may end up being a successful business woman with motivation like that already.
However I don't agree that she should be ill mannered and disrespectful but many teens are. She sounds like a normal teen to he honest. All children these days have that sense of entitlement. Wrong, yes. But don't hate her just because she has grown to be just like her peers. Try and teach her the right way. Clearly she has been spoiled. Don't hate her, just those behaviours. She is probably picking up on the fact you don't like her and the fact she probably hates you because you are not her mum and you are trying to take her mums place. Her comments on how rich she is going to be is probably to show off/impress you and the disrespect again is probably because she doesn't like that you are trying to take her mums place. Don't let it affect your relationship with your partner as she won't be living with you guys forever, she's a teen right, how long before she's 18 and you can ask her to move out or live with relatives/friends?
Poor you
9th Jun 14 02:17

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Frustrated Girlfriend

Frustrated Girlfriend

Hi White Orchard,
I totally understand you. My partner and have been together for 8 months and we have his 14 year old daughter come stay with us for a week every second week. She goes for 'sleepovers' with friends on the weekend although Internet evidence proves she out at underage drinking partners and gets taken advantage off when she gets drunk. She has a sense of entitlement and lies to her dad and me alot about where she's going and what she's doing. She doesn't lift a finger to help when she's home and finally I diplomatically and very tactfully told her I was disappointed that she treated her dad and I like maids. She called me a 'gay C-U-NEXT-TUESDAY''. Her dad and I have talked about it, but more often then not believes the sun shines out the little princess's bottom. It's driving a wedge in our relationship as I feel she is out of control and very loose for her age. I've tried my best to be understanding and bond with her, with the understanding that these transitions are difficult but to no avail. I have a daughter the same age and a 16 year old soon who'd cop an earbashing and a month of consequences if found to be acting the same way, thank God they're not. Why can't these things be easy? :(
Frustrated Girlfriend
18th Oct 13 00:31

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Alex

Alex

Perhaps 'spoiled' to you means you are resentful? You did not have the same level of finance? Why do they have to like you? Perhaps you are insecure? Not fully sure you come first, yet why should you? Sometimes it's necessary for the adults to stop acting like children before the children do. Think on.
Alex
4th Oct 13 16:33

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Emma

Emma

I can understand your difficult situation. I'm in a long-term relationship without children but my partner's siblings are very materialistic and expect a lot. In fact, I often wonder if they think more of money and presents than other people!

Now the siblings' children are being very spoiled and must have the biggest presents (just like their parents), and the biggest parties to the extent it is getting so ridiculous that anyone can see that the adults are just competing against one another and trying to make their children look better than the others. This is not good!
Emma
27th May 13 15:06

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Mia the Cat

Mia the Cat

There is a lesson here for any prospective relationship, and I speak from experience. Take things slowly and do not get so immersed that you put aside any difficulties with offspring. In cases where they are without doubt spoilt and manipulative you are certainly heading for problems, frustrations and probably a long battle of wills.

I endured a relationship for several months but the daughter was as described above, and the family was quite dysfunctional too. In this scenario, my new relationship was always taking second place (despite loving overtures from my then other half). With a spiteful child or resentful young adult, this manifests itself by seeing to it that you have limited time to enjoy your relationship.

After this experience I met someone months later who had a son and daughter in their 20s living away form home. And yet, while I understood the family bond, I could not understand why they came first whenever there was even a minor conflict of interests. I decided to move on after 2 years and it was somewhat painful. But I vowed never to embark on a relationship again with someone who had children. I know that was a blanket decision but I'd had it with peoples' kids. It just wasn't worth the investment of love and devotion coupled with the eventual heartache if it didn't work out because of them. Well, it paid off - I am now married to a lovely soul mate with no stroppy, demanding adolescents ruining our lives.
Mia the Cat
24th Mar 13 22:02

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Karren

Karren

I have been a step mother for 2 years now my step daughter is 3, and everything is daddy's house, or daddy get me this. She doesn't use her manners, and I mention to him don't get her anything until she does and I get yelled at. I try to bond and talk with her and its like he won't allow it. But I also have three children from another relationship, and they always ask him for things, and he can discipline them and say things to them but if I try with his little girl I get in trouble. Even his own mother when I tell her things that she does ex gives me dirty looks and I tell her its not nice or doesn't listen to me when asked to do something the grandmother let's it go. I can't take it any more I give her all the respect in the world and when I open my mouth I get yelled at but its OK for my spouse to give the other 3 trouble. What do I do?
Karren
24th Mar 13 16:35

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Michelle

Michelle

I was raised in a household where the only time we got anything without earning it was Christmas or birthdays. I find it very annoying when kids aren't taught to earn what they get because it doesn't teach to them contributing members of society.
Sometimes it is just teenage stuff, but part of the teenage phase is the parents explaining to the child why this entitled and selfish attitude is not acceptable.
The biggest problem to me seems to be the father, he has some serious character flaws if he can overlook what is actually good for his daughter in exchange for the immediate gratification of making her happy.
Michelle
8th Mar 13 16:36

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Sanctimony

Sanctimony

Thank you. I'm not a nurse & don't favour medical models. You seem incredibly scornful of psychiatric nurses with your sweeping generalization. Have you had a bad experience with one? You seem Very personally jaded.
You are right ... I do appreciate others having the ability to reflect on their own feelings & perspectives & having responsibility for their own behaviour. Possibly a need or desire you do not posess? I respect difference and embrace adversity but this does not mean we can all hold hands & skip round the fairy garden. It is niaive to think that not being able to get on with a step kid because their personality grates would be interlinked with your job. Should we all be placed in compatible families according to job?
Sanctimony
18th Aug 12 18:00

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miserablemoaninggit

miserablemoaninggit

You say you are a mental health practitioner. I've known quite a few psychiatric nurses over the years and one huge problem they all seem to have is an inability to adapt from a working environment to a social environment. People are constantly being judged in 'proper psychology terms', as you put it, and situations are forever being subject over psychological analysis that can be extremely irritating. Your post seems to reflect something of this nature.

To be quite frank, every single psychiatric nurse I've ever met has been distinctly odd.

sanctimony, maybe you should reflect more on your behaviour and your expectations. I'm not sure what you mean by a 'vibrant happening city' and what that involves in terms of activities.

Clearly, you are unhappy in the relationship and are desperately trying to convince yourself otherwise. I would certainly agree with your own conclusion.

The best partner you could have is another psychiatric nurse/practitioner, allowing you both to over-analyse each other to your heart's content.
miserablemoaninggit
18th Aug 12 08:01

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sanctimony

sanctimony

I empathize with you almost entirely, but am a 33 yo guy. I am in a similar situation... I have been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years, been living with her and her 13.5 yr daughter for just over one year. When I met her daughter for the 1st time (4 months in to dating) I too recognized her precociousness. Before I moved in (they / we live in the country) I lived in a vibrant happening city, I still work in the same city and commute there daily. There's part of me that just can't adjust to where I'm living at the moment, I know the environment is getting me down, I haven't made any friends here and social opportunities are limited beyond being with my GF's friends / family. I am beginning to recognize that I have been depressed for the past 10 months at least. All of my mates live in the city, where I still work, I feel like I'm straddling 2 camps and have considered getting work in a city closer (10 mile commute rather than a 30 mile commute). I'm losing hope that anything is going to change without me making a radical decision.

I love my girlfriend very much and am in turmoil everyday because I can't stand to be around her daughter. I am a fairly easy going guy and it is unusual for me to have such a strong reaction to this. I am a qualified mental health practitioner so am acutely aware of examining my own behavior and responses and trying to make sense of them / manage them. Some days it's the 1st thing on my mind when I get up and the last thing on my mind as I'm driving home filled with dread. On the scale of teenager she is not a bad kid but she quite anti-social and is incredibly difficult to like. She whinges about absolutely everything and argues even when you are agreeing with her. I know adolescence is a difficult time I remember it well, these are "normal" characteristics, and she's not exactly had the most straightforward life (her father was violent to my GF and they separated when the kid was 3). She's not allowed to see her father, courts decided this, because during contact one day he pushed her over in a jealous rage when she was talking about something she had been doing with my GF. She seems to blame my GF for it and constantly tell my GF that such rhetoric as "you don't love me" etc etc. She has no friends and never goes out let alone moves from the same position on the sofa. My GF has tried to get her some help with this via a women's center but even that's been an absolute nightmare, and has had to be enforced which sort of defeats the purpose of therapy (in my opinion). She has some seriously maladaptive behaviors (I'm talking proper psychology terms), is attention seeking and manipulative (which my partner had independently recognized). I can't cope with it anymore but I don't want to leave my partner to deal with it on her own. I am not crying martyrdom, my GF is my best friend and soul mate. Now she recognizes this herself and thinks that she tried to overcompensate for the father, being an alcoholic paranoid personality disordered abusive idiot, by building this co-dependent relationship with her daughter. But now her daughter's clinginess and lack of independence and social skills is driving her nuts too: it's constant.

I was with my GF around 10 months ago in the small village she originally comes from, she can't live there anymore because the ex harasses her family, and has done for the past 10 years. This goes to strengthen the diagnosis given by the court psychiatrist as Paranoid Personality Disorder, of course compounded by alcohol misuse / dependency. Anyway I seen him whilst alone with my GF, she flinched, he walked within 2 ft of us and of course it takes great resolve to control the desire to knock him out. Guy's who hit girls are essentially very weak cowards. I think in this guy's case had my GF's dad battered him when he 1st found out he had been hitting his daughter things may be different now. I don't agree with violence but I come from a very working class background and accept that some people do not / cannot intellectualize emotions therefore do not learn from their experiences: we do not all share the same potential (I am not saying this to be grandiose) but this takes me to my next point. Nature v Nurture. I looked at that guy and his daughter could be his doppelganger... perhaps as much in looks as possible personality. I feel awful for thinking this but in my perspective it's true. This makes me feel sh*** on a daily basis and it's more this that I can't live with.

I am trying to endure the most irritating housemate I have ever encountered, because I love my GF. Now in typing this I realize that it will be much kinder to both of them just to leave and get on with our lives separately.

Any comments will be much appreciated.
sanctimony
17th Aug 12 22:18

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Rugbyruler

Rugbyruler

Jealous wench you are. Fathers and daughters have a special relationship.
Rugbyruler
21st Mar 12 20:24

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