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In 1996 whilst in my late teens and rather naive I found myself an expectant father, alas the relationship faltered mostly due to my partners family's interference. During the remainder of my partner's pregnancy I repeatedly tried to make contact but found the family's barrier still firmly in place.
My daughter was born in early 1997 and I found myself completely cut off. I sent presents and cards which were returned unopened. Four years later my ex-partner married, she and her husband then knowingly made a false declaration to the Registrar's Office to have the husband named as the Father on my daughter's birth certificate where the entry had previously been blank. Still, during this time my pleas for contact had only been answered with abusive letters and denials of my paternity.
Now, a few years later their marriage broke down and I suddenly received a letter from the Child Support Agency demanding my details and that I take a paternity test if I denied I was her father. It transpired that they had been given my name by my ex-partner but instead of turning to the man named on the birth certificate to prove his paternity either way they came directly to me.
I could not deny paternity as I was fully acceptant of my role as her father. However, I would have thought that if this man had been legally accepted as her father then he would (at least) have to prove his paternity before the CSA came to me?
I have paperwork and audio recordings (including a perfect recorded confession of the false declaration to the Registrar) to back up all of this, but the CSA were not interested in any of it, just in getting my money!
After all the above, I paid my due rate of child support including all arrears for around 2 years and was up to date. At the beginning of 2009 I lost my job and wrote to the CSA telling them I was now in receipt of Jobseekers Allowance. Several months passed and I found work again, I again contacted the CSA and informed them of my circumstances, it was at this point they told me that they hadn't received the letter telling them I was on JSA and that I owed them £1000 arrears. When I asked why they had not pursued me if I was in arrears I was told they had had a computer glitch which meant they hadn't been in touch.
At this point I agreed wholeheartedly to pay the standard £5 per week for the period I was unemployed , I made this payment and sent them a copy of the original letter I had sent them (recorded delivery), they were supposed to look into reassessing the arrears and get back to me
A few weeks later I get a call demanding my arrears, at which point I have to re-explain the whole situation (to the same person I might add) and once again she said she would go back and look into the arrears. Again, a few weeks later I called the same person giving her my new phone number and address and checked on the status of the case and was told it was an ongoing situation.
Now, today I received 2 letters via my old landlord telling me that there has been an Attachment of Earnings ordered to include the £1000 arrears. Naturally, incensed by this I call the CSA again only to be told that they didn't have my new address (despite having my phone number they were given at the same time) and they had left me numerous voicemails (which they categorically HAD NOT) and that they don't remember anything about lost letters and they couldn't possibly reassess the arrears.
I have documentary evidence of the entire case, copies of every letter and I know all their calls are recorded yet I cannot defend myself against the might of the greedy CSA. I have repeated until I'm 'Blue in the face' that I am perfectly willing to pay what I'm due, but only the amount that I'm due and not a penny more. What am I supposed to do? There is much more detail to this but I find myself stressed and exhausted by the whole situation.
By: Jay
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As for your sister, my wages were never taken into consideration with hubby's maintenance - nor would they ever be! Although my hubby is working, but even when he wasn't for 2 weeks, between jobs, my wage was never considered.
I think you all need to read into the CSA literature more, or even email them through general enquries? Funnily enough they don't care about your sisters or BIL (what's his is hers!) outgoings so why should her wage count?? Grr!!
Been there...The ex deals with older people, although she would know about children due to her nature of work. Its always been about her and it all started going wrong when I became pregnant, enough said huh? Although lets be fair, you have only heard our side of the story, their relationship was on and off, the baby wasn't planned (well not on hubby's side), the pregnancy occured when they were 'off' and parentage was called into question and I came onto the scene really quickly - like most relationships I went with the flow and here we are all these later!
In answer to your question, I have many a time told my hubby the same thing. I have 'issues' with the question as its reliving my relationship with my own father and I try to make him 'see sense' so to speak. Even more so as we have a child who is also missing out. Hubby is normally a fighter, but in this case, he believes even if he did have access he would have no influence over his own child (with her hubby 'playing dad' 6 weeks after she gave birth).
The biggest issue he has over fighting for him is they're both very self-righteous, opinionated etc that if they said anything about me or our child, he would go mad! Her parting words to us on the last visit were 'good luck with the baby - you'll need it'! Its got nasty of a few occasions and he doesn't want any of the children to be part of all the bickering. I keep telling him they all need to get over themselves as they're not thinking of the kids!
He also says that he'll have to deal with that question if and when the time comes...
Cont....
I have to agree with Gainsborough lad on the 'smarter' part, but for other reasons also.
You have clearly taken the feelings of your husbands child into account, whereas the mother hasn't. She, being a social worker should know how her attitude and actions could affect the child. It also puts doubt on whether she should even be a social worker. If she can't deal with the situation over her own son in the correct manner, how can she be trusted to do right for others children ? She doesn't come close to smart. If she were, she would show more compassion than bitterness and not let her feelings get between father and son.
Tell me to p**s off if i'm being too nosey, but how would your husband feel if in years to come his son were to say "if you wanted to see me, you would have fought to do so" ?(Curiosity question).
My sisters income was taken into account for CSA purposes, as it's a wage that is coming into their home. What is hers is his, and all that tripe. My sister has never claimed benefits since she left school 21 yrs ago.
Maybe there is someone reading that maybe able to shed some light on the subject, as im none the wiser as I nor my husband have any other children outside of our marriage.
It would soon be fifty or even more percent, pity that we all didn't go to work, the CSA wouldn't even exist then at all.
I could also add,having experience, it's a complete waste of time being abusive to the CSA staff, they have been brainwashed, and couldn't care less of the NRP's plight in any way whatsoever.
I guess displaying all air their dirty washing on gripes like this and like seeing others in the same 'pain' to know they're not the only people going through it, if that makes sense?
My hubby won't take the ex to court (we've talked about it lots of times), because he is worried how home life could change for his child - there has been lots of words said in the past which caused trouble. We do not want the child to have to live in a hostile evironment, nor do we want him to see unpleasentness from either camp, should we still have been seeing him. Also going to court doesn't guarantee you access to your child, for some it just causes even more problems and heartache.
His ex married 'wealth' and is a social worker, so yeah I guess she is smarter than me!
I do have some sympathy for people working for the CSA, don't get me wrong, I can imagine some of the abuse they get on the phones etc. I have major issues for the way the CSA is conducted and what it stands for, its more than just supporting a child - and when my husband was made to feel like a criminal by them and that was with 100% of his cooperation, its was awful and a shambles!
As for no apparent reasons, we'll have to agree to disagree on that I'm afraid. Although I do know what you're trying to say and were getting at.
Also I cannot understand why your sisters wages were taken into consideration. regardless of whether her partner was working or not? Its wrong when they do this!
This 'no apparent reason' .........i can't roll with. There is a reason for everything.It's just because you are not aware of the others intentions that you call it that.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but if the ex is living the life of Riley on benefits, then they are smarter than you. They have the system sussed and know how to milk it, and are most likely on the fiddle. Whether it be working cash in hand, or just not declaring how much child support they are getting, they could have a next partener who's buying it all, the list goes on.
I could say throw doubt on the RP by getting them put under investigation by the benefits office, but you need to weigh up the odds on that.
Do you want your child living with an ex like that ? Do you want to cause stress on the RP that may in turn take it out on your child, or the life style of your child ? Would you be willing if the s**t hit the fan, take on your husbands child. (I have no doubt the answer to the latter would be yes in your case).
The person sitting on the phone at the CSA office when you call is not to blame for what is happening. They are human like me and you, and it's a job.Some poor f**cker has to do it.
Some people might benefit to remember that, and be polite when calling. Put yourself in their shoes.
If your husband has been refused access, take the RP to court. The RP has to have grounds for doing so. If all the ex's claims are unfounded, go fot it. There is nothing stopping you. Even if some are true, but there were mitigating circumstances, tell them. You will never know unless you try.
I don't understand why women stop access, after all it's free time they would have to do their own thing.They cut off their nose to spite their face.
I know this is going to sound cold, but if the business of the NRP has nothing to do with you and me, why are they (and you) complaining about it on these gripes for all and sundry to read ?
I presume everybody is looking for an answer, but some are going no-where fast by speaking the way they do.
I'm not meaning to sound self-righteous, and I apologize for that, as i'm far from perfect.I have grown up learning by my own past mistakes and those of others.
If my marriage broke down beyond repair, I wouldn't marry anyone with children. Not because I wouldn't want to, but because of what the CSA can take from me.
My sister married a man who had a child from a previous relationship. He wasn't working, but my sister was. The CSA took her earnings into account when working out how much the ex and child were entitled to. Which I think is f**ked up, as my sister had nothing to do with what he did before she met him, and nobody informed her before hand.
So in hidesight I would never suggest that anyone with a gold-digging ex should marry again, for their own benefit.
Cont........
I guess your right, hubby's ex did do it to p*ss us off. I'm also aware that the CSA get involved if a parent has to go onto benefits, they get told to get the CSA involved, otherwise they are not entitled to anything.
I still firmly believe that parents do things for no apparent reason...for example, RP is getting all they can benefits wise, NRP is also contributing a fair amount, for reasons such as the RP living beyond their means - flash cars, holidays, latest gadgets and technologies etc, and yet they want more - for themselves. What do they do, they press the NRP for more money, if they get a response they don't like, they're on the blower to the CSA asking for re-assessment, or worse still, they deny access to the NRP. Just read the other gripes on here, its happened to friends, family and acquaintences also...these are 'no apparent reasons' in my opinion.
If a RP working or on benefits and also in receipt of CSA cannot afford the essentials for their kids then they should be offered help with re-budgeting or financial advice. Not to start playing nasty little games with the NRP with threatening to cut access etc, this is where the CSA is a failure for some people/families - they do not look at the bigger picture.
Whether NRP go onto have other kids/marriage etc has nothing to do with you nor me, and comes across hoiler than thou if I'm being honest. Do you think that just because one relationships fails, people should stay single and never be happy again or have a more positive experience of parenthood with the new partner?
15% out of every £100 is a lot when you have your own bills to pay and you also pay for your children with the ex, clothes, food, utility bills, days out, holidays, extra curricular activites etc for the child. If you already split the cost of living 50/50 (roughly) with the NRP then a 15% is a hell of a lot more to add on top of what one is already paying, surely?
The CSA just cut 15, 20, 25% of wages, not taking any consideration of the NRP and their welfare (regardless of martial status). Is it in the child's best interest for the NRP to think 'to hell with this' I might as well jack it all in and pay £5 pw because the CSA are literally 'breaking' them financially (NRP have done this). I believe the CSA have added numbers of the unemployment rate because some NRP just cannot afford to live on what they have. Hence stating that the CSA tears people apart.
Cont....
Can't justify my accusations of you calling me names? now I am a "drama queen"
Whatever.
Dear me!
Just play along for a while and then get back together when she turns to that in conversation, which she's bound to do eventually. Just have to use a bit of kidology and now you are older you will know more about this.
But just take the CSA to court in the meantime or them you as they will have to explain their uselessness in court. Just don't forget there's a child in the middle of all this!