The Weekly Gripe

FEATURES

Gripes the News
Gripes in the pipes
The Soapbox
*

Daughter rejected by ex-husband after divorce

24 comments  Add a comment

It kills me inside watching the torment and emotional battering my children go through when their dad messes them about.  Is there anyone else out there in my situation?  What my daughter's father has done to her is truly beyond belief.  Not only has he not bothered with her but has turned his own sons against their sister, his own daughter.

Didn't want our divorce... the affairs told me otherwise

My ex-husband didn't want our divorce, he said he wanted me and our children - strange that because the affairs he had told me otherwise.  But he said if I didn't have him in my life that he would make damn sure I wouldn't have our children in my life either.  He turned both boys on me, I wasn't allowed to speak on the phone, he wouldn't answer the door and they were collected early from school so I couldn't really offset the brainwashing.

A little girl looking thoughtful When we got to court (the slow grinding of the legal system has a lot to answer for) my sons said they wanted to live with their dad.  I was supposed to have contact every alternate weekend but that's only a bit of paper - even getting my ex-husband for breach of order didn't worry him. Being an ex-copper he knew darn well they wouldn't punish him and simply went back to denying me access.

Now, 6 years on, my ex-husband hasn't bothered with our daughter because after fighting against me for a year to win custody of our 3 children in 2001, she cried so much because she missed me (she was 7 years old) that he practically threw her back to me.  I now have custody of our daughter and he did see her for a while but tormented and bullied her so much. He told her that she had split the family up and that it was her fault the boys were separated from her because she now lived with mummy. And if she really loved daddy and the boys she would stop her sniffling, stop missing mum and go back to live with him.

I know it's unacceptable for dads or mums not to stick to proper arrangements. But believe me, any contact for a kid must surely be better than being rejected totally for no reason and nothing can justify having your brothers turned against you because you love your mum.

By: Pepa


Leave a comment

   

First Prev Page 1 of 2 Next Last

julio

julio

My wife and I have only been married for a little over 2 MONTHS. We started having problems and LAST WEEK she came to me and told me she wanted to get our marriage annulled. It completely broke my heart and I totally broke down. I have been praying and asking God to give me the strength and tools that I need to be the husband that I need to be and for any help to come on how to make the marriage move forward. I never talked to my wife or told her i was searching for some help online. Then i found the winexbackspell@gmail.com email contact on how he has help many relationship marriage round the world. I purchased and tell him my problems and he told me what to do which i did. i have already seen it working she has completely change and i loves it,i have already seen an improvement in our marriage. With His help, our marriage will be saved and we will spend the rest of our lives together living for kids not to think bad about the familly.
julio
15th Sep 12 12:09

!

2
mother of sweet girls

mother of sweet girls

I have 2 daughters that thier father has desided it was more importent to chase women half way around the world, then to spend Any time with them. When he did spend time with them in the beginning after the divorce he screamed and thru things across the room and called thier mother horrible things !
mother of sweet girls
1st Nov 11 04:11

!

0
pirrick

pirrick

I am in very similar situationa and watching my children's pain is like a knife through my heart.
pirrick
16th May 11 12:05

!

-5
Who cares not the system

Who cares not the system

It happens to women too. Just not as high percentage as men. It is ridiculous whichever way it is. The children lose, trust me I was one and now I go through the same thing as a parent all because the abuse as a child in the hands of my mother and finally abandonment left me with no relationship with my dad and no mum. Now I fear love and abandonment which has caused problems and now I don't see my children. Oh, yeah I have to pay when it isn't my choice not to see them. My whole life well stuff it it now. I won't support a corrupt system. News flash the kids came from inside me too.
Who cares not the system
24th Nov 09 01:11

!

-3
Grandma

Grandma

Hi I'm so sorry you are going through all this

My daughter aged 38, is just going through a horrendous seperation, she has tried to keep thing on a civil road after her husband cheated twice and he lies about everything under the sun, he is threatning me and my husbnd {we are pensioners}, he has also threatened my eldest grandduaughter {who he raised after the death of her father} he sent her a text message telling her she is not his daughter and wants nothing to do with her {she has known him to be her father for 12 yrs} she was & is distroyed
He only wants my youngest grandaughter who is his, and she now wants to go with him to live she isn't bothered that her sister and the rest of us are having to go through all this she says so what I'm number one { or so she thinks} but he only wants her to make make daughter suffer more and will tire of her I'm sure as he did nothing with the children when he lived at home he watched telly or played games
The scum texts my daughter all day with threats and just talk about she better not find any one else.
He is living with a woman and my daughter thinks it to soon {3mnths} to let the youngest go to a stranger and stay there overnight
The thing is my daughter owned her own home when her first husband died so she is hoping that he will sign it over when the sale goes through and try to rebuild the childrens lives as er savings are gone so the house is her only hope that is why I think she is taking all this horrendous pain
I am at my wits end with worry for them, she wont talk to us and is so low & unhappy
Grandma
26th Feb 09 05:02

!

-4
dizyblond32

dizyblond32

Pepa,

I have an exhusband that solely chooses our son over daughter simply because she is a girl. So I can relate in some respects. He has flat told them both that boys belong with their dads and girls with their moms. He does take both of the kids but pays no attention to either one of them but he's a boy and wants to run around and has no guidance over there and she's a girl who wants attention and is not only ignored but given money each time she is over so that she will leave him alone. I have physical custody of both of my kids but my son has been made to believe that he doesn't have to listen to me and has been told that his dad will take me to court and get custody of him but not his sister. I see my daughter hurt all of the time over this and my son I see him hurting because he feels that I don't love him even though I try so hard. I feel that I have to over compensate with guidance that they don't get over at their dads but also try to show love. I spend time with them, make sure they have what they need and devote every aspect of my life toward putting them first. I am lost as to what to do next.
dizyblond32
1st Dec 07 02:12

!

-13
chrissy

chrissy

It makes me so sad that there are guys like that out there. im so sorry it happend to you and I feel for you beause even tho im 15 it still makes me want to cry.
chrissy
11th Oct 07 10:10

!

-3
serenity

serenity

Dear Lin,

I have debts but they are fortunately, not so bad. I have however, stupidly been burrying my head in the sand for a while and/but have finally taken my head up. I have a btter paid job than before (I absoultely loathe it but hey!) and so am now starting to pay larger amounts towards the bits that are outstanding. I've also looked at the money savings web sites and followed some of the tips on those. The only way is to practice economies, look for advice and keep plugging. Furtunately, neith my kids nor I have ever been too much into having "things". I've tried to teach them to look at the "green" aspect (green is very trendy you know!) of recycling. Which includes them learning the thrill of picking up a good bargain. Never turn the nose up at second hand/ebay/Oxfam. lol

My daughter is 14 and has not seen her dad since earlier this year. There is nothing you can do other than to constantly reassure them that is is NOT their fault or a reflection on them as children in any way; it is a reflection of the parent and a lack in them. Whether that works long term I don't know. But one thing I've learned for sure, you cannot spend your life trying to compensate for a lack in the other parent. And kids seem to just accept that however they (the other parent is) is just the way it is.

Keep reassuring your daughter it is not her "fault"; it is not to do with her not being loveable; that ultimately, it will be his loss. And stay firm with her. I wish you happy times with your girl. We really are the lucky ones I think. Even though many days it can feel pretty hard!

m
serenity
11th Sep 07 07:09

!

0
Lin

Lin

Hello All,

Since my ex left us for his receptionist 6 years ago (they had been having an affair for 20 years....) and moved to France, he has shown no interest in our girl who is 13 years old. I have also had major financial problems, mainly due to my own fault, but recovering emotionally has taken time. I would be interested in how you other lone parents are managing financially, debts, CCJ's, bailiffs, loss of home etc. I am also interested in how your children are coping if their father (or mother) doesn't want to see them, or show no interest. My girl is having lots of problems emotionally, how do your children show their problems?

Please share with me, I would be very grateful.
Thanks
Lin
21st Aug 07 12:08

!

-9
GG

GG

My exhusband wouldn't speak to our daughter coz she would be on her mother's side. He'd call our son or drop in to see him but wouldn't have any contact with her.
12 months on he moved with an older woman and her elder son. He and his mates got to know our daughter and her friends down the beach 1 day and from then on he would ring 5 -6 times a week.
Our daughter had just turned 15 and Dad asked her out every weekends for 3 months to sleep there and she could hang with this older boy and he mates. She could drink and use dope and she'd cum home drug or stoned. Many phone calls to Dad - his comments were "Let her have some fun" Phone calls to the Police, Solicitor and Doc's did nothing. A court case in 6-8 months BUT buy then anthing could have happened. And she'd be 16yrs old
I felt much fear for her - and warned her to be careful.
She would cry to me "Finally Dad is wants to see her and spend time with her - she always knew that he loved her"
3 months and she NEVER wanted to go there again. She didn't care if she ever saw her Father again.She cut all her blonde hair off, dyed it black, wanted to wear glasses, to change her name and she wouldn't leave home alone. She was drinking and using drugs secretly. She was acting very weird.
I found out 8 months later ........
She was raped.
By 4 older guys - friends of the defacto's son.
Her Dad said "it was her fault' - I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened to our 15 yr old daughter.
She trusted her Dad to look out for her.
I trusted my husband to look out for our daughter.
He betrayed her.
GG
29th Jul 07 10:07

!

9
pointless

pointless

Sheldon,

thank you. I agree with what you have posted - more or less every word. I too chose to move on and with logic, I can accept the words that you use; that I have already used to myself. That is "head". When it comes to heart - my daughters live in mine, even though he no longer does. And it is watching their pain that makes the situation difficult. Hopefully in time, they will come to feel exactly as your wife does.
pointless
18th Jun 07 09:06

!

-2
Sheldon

Sheldon

Continued from previous post

So, if he has chosen to move forward and leave his former life behind then that is a decision you have to live with. It may not be what you or your children want. It may not even be what he really wants, but he has made a decision and will have to follow that path now. It is sad that others get hurt by the decisions we make but it is a fact of life. Nobody said life was going to be easy.
As for the afterlife....that is where he will be judged.
I hope I have explained myself well. As I said, you may not agree but I hope I have helped you accept the situation. There is no doubt that it is a horrible position for your children but they will learn to adapt.
My wife was the daughter of a man that moved on and forgot her. She has spoken about this at great length with me over the years. She too has moved on now and whilst the disappointment in her father will never go away, it no longer has any bearing on her life.
Sheldon
18th Jun 07 08:06

!

14
Sheldon

Sheldon

I'm not going to try and justify what he has done but I will try to put across a point of view. You may not agree with it, that is your right, but never the less at least consider it.
I am male. I believe that our lives are made up of four distinct areas, the past, present, future and the afterlife. I cannot live in the past. There are both good and bad memories there but they are now memories although I accept that they may also be obligations. The present is important to me. The way I feel and behave today has a very direct influence on those around me as well as my, and their futures. My future is what I prepare for. I have to consider this in any decisions I make today.
Your ex sounds like he has been put in a position whereby he has had to make a choice between his past and his future. He has to consider the effects of this on those from both times. He has a right to a future but must realise that there are aspects of his past that will forever be there. He can leave you behind easily. His children are a different matter.
So what do you do when confonted by this choice? It is impossible to answer unless you are in that position. He has to consider his bride to be as well as his children but ultimately he has to consider himself. There is no point making a decision solely to please others. You cannot live an unhappy life just to make others happy. It is not fair on yourself!
.....Continued in next post
Sheldon
18th Jun 07 08:06

!

2
pointless

pointless

Sheldon,

well at least this time, there would appear to be no "slant" to your post. What reason did he give? None! What reason have I managed to come up with for our daughters? None! I cannot, I CANNOT - and I have tried, put myself in his position and imagine myself EVER making a similar decision. If my partner, spouse to be, whatever, took my children aside and told them all of the things they found lacking in them, told both them and me that they were not to be invited to our wedding, that would ring alarm bells so loud, I would at least postpone all plans.

I HAVE no answers. Believe me I wish I had. I am not by any manner of means, a "man hater" single parent. The men in MY life - father, grandfathers, were adored and the most special in my life. If, as I have assumed, you are a male, if you can come up with a single reason why this man would reject his own daughters in such a way, then by all means, let us know. Because I have two gorgeous, loving young girls who I am sure, would like to know.

You want to paint bad pictures. Well, I tell you this - and it is no lie. Before we knew the girls were not to be invited, we - the girls and I, when we were out shopping, were looking at gifts to buy for the couple; for outfits for our elder to wear to the wedding she wanted to attend. I bore my ex no malice. You choose to believe otherwise. it IS actually possible for a woman to move on. You might not like to believe so - but it is. I say again, if you have any conceivable answers for why a man would not invite his own children to his wedding, please supply them.

Meanwhile, you might like to suggest how I help my daughters deal with something they view as total rejection of them. For at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
pointless
17th Jun 07 12:06

!

-5
Sheldon

Sheldon

It sounds to me that you don't like anybody disagreeing with you. When you have a discussion it is not possible for one side to be 100% right in every aspect. If you believe you are then you are misguided. I'm not doubting that he has acted badly. I'm just saying that I suspect that you have only told us as much as your argument suits. I bet there is a lot more to this story if we knew both sides.
What actual reason did he give for not inviting his daughters? Are you brave enough to be honest with your answer?
You cannot provide 50% of the facts, which is an unbalanced account of events, and expect a fair and impartial response.
Sheldon
11th Jun 07 12:06

!

-1

First Prev Page 1 of 2 Next Last

FEATURES

Gripes the News
Gripes in the pipes
The Soapbox
spinner