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or treat anyone badly, all they do is keep you out of their lives. I have lived in several countries for many years - The States (10 + years), Sweden and in India.
I am Asian, I made friends with people from all over the world in all the countries I lived especially the native people, however in England I only have Asian friends (British Asians) or other foreigners as the English never want to get close, yes they are friendly to a point but then make it clear they want to keep a distance and they will never invite you over even for a cup of tea and are generally inhospitable. They seem to be very good at using hospitality offered by others, but are not so ready to reciprocate. My Asian friends who grew up here don't have English friends either. When I asked them about it they finally admit reluctantly that the English never showed an interest in them.
I had some American friends (white and black) here and they told they had lived in London for years and could not make friends with the native white English and finally gave up. I get the feeling the English have a friend circle and family and do not like to expand this circle especially with people who are not native British. My British Asian friends grew up here and some have kids in 20s who are third generation yet most of their friends are Asian.
The English are polite and helpful in public areas, however they do not emote well, they are not in touch with their emotions, maybe that has something to do with it. When I was in Wales I found people there lot more open, friendly and warm.
By: Rita
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I am English living in Scotland. I have travelled all over the world and never found it hard to make friends, but here! Wow, it's hard. People are sort of friendly, I am very outgoing, but it's always me that makes the first move and never does anything invite you over to their house, and inviting others over usually ends in an excuse why they can't go. People here are insular, introvert, scared of making new friends, doesn't matter what your ethnicity. I am sorry this has happened to you but you are not alone.I have had enough and am retiring to Asia where I know people are much more outgoing.
05/09/23 alistair
0
When I started living in England I was shocked some people would say things like 'What do you want from me' if I was being friendly to them. Now, years later, I understand. Most of the time they are only friendly to others when they want something from them, hence the huge projection. A sad realisation! English people need to go to France, Spain, Italy to get a grip of what friends really mean, not to take advantage of their generosity though like an English woman I know who went to Spain in several occasions and enjoyed being fed and lodged by people for free. She then formed a family and told me she went to Spain again and hang out in parks waiting and expecting to be put up by a Spanish family. We're talking here about her, her husband and 2 small kids! The cheek! As her secret plan didn't materialise, she told me she was 'deeply disappointed '. It takes an English mind to expect what they are incapable of giving and feel upset about not having been able to freeload from others. Move on a few years later one summer when she asked me to house-sit while she was away working in a festival. I was about to vacate her house before she'd come back, but she told me to stay in so we could overlap... so I did, with my partner and child, only to be met with rudeness by her as she was stressed out due to work, so much so that we decided to leave and stay with a neighbour, German, who observed the situation and offered to put us up. One afternoon at around tea time we went back to the said disappointed woman to pick up the food we still had in her fridge. My child was already hungry. All we needed was to open the fridge door and grab a couple of things out. She, who had the cheek to hang in a Spanish park expecting to be put up for free by a Spanish family, refused and wouldn't give a damn about making my child wait while hungry. She made us go back 45 minutes later. That's the nature of far too many people in England. Happy to expect the unbelievable, unable to give even the basic. I thought we were friends, but far too often that is a word that means nothing in England, and I mean England because Scottish people are nowhere near like that.
Sad but true.
I am part of a group that provides free food for the homeless in town. There's this guy, very nice, that I spend time with on a regular bases making sandwiches and distributing them. However, whenever I came across him in the streets outside oír commun activity, he never ever acknowledges me. That's England for you! A most unhospitable country!
31/07/23 Giselle
Sad but true.
I am part of a group that provides free food for the homeless in town. There's this guy, very nice, that I spend time with on a regular bases making sandwiches and distributing them. However, whenever I came across him in the streets outside oír commun activity, he never ever acknowledges me. That's England for you! A most unhospitable country!
7
I've lived in France, Spain and England and can say that the English don't value friendship. For them it's mainly a transaction. It'll last provided you fit in their cost-expenses assessment as they can't help forever analysing how much they get out of anything. The moment you no longer fit in their agenda, often unknown to you, or they feel they have to make an effort because let's say you're unwell, they'll drop you like a tonne of bricks, no remorse, nothing. I've heard so many stories like that! At first I wouldn't quite believe... until I kept experiencing it. In other countries having friends is for the joy of it, here is out of mere interest, a calculated one. They are friendly enough, but most don't know the meaning of true friendship and never will. I have good loyal reliable friends in France and Spain. In England I only have acquaintances. They use your hospitality but hardly ever reciprocate it, they are incapable of giving, it's their culture, they can't help it and you can't blame them as you would be the same had you been unlucky enough to be born in England. They think too much about the cost of a meal they could share with you versus how much booze they could buy instead. It's an illness they have. They're stingy to unfathomable depths. It's the only country in the world where I've heard some would fall apart with friends in purpose before birthdays so they don't have to buy them a present. They hardly ever introduce you to their friends. And they tell lies, profusely so. I asked someone I considered a friend to look after my dog in a family emergency. He declined as he said he had a very tight deadline, one of the nation's favourite excuses to get out of helping. I then found out he'd lied through his teeth. It's the saddest country for making friends and the few you'll make are mostly of poor quality. Interestingly enough, they'll find a way to make their miserly ways sound great, because that's what the English do. I have good Scottish friends in England. As to the English, I gave up long ago as most foreigners do. I hate it when I see the English take advantage of other countries generosity when they go abroad as I know the moment they set foot back in England most wouldn't give you anything.
31/07/23 Giselle
9
I have a couple of English friends and I'm married to an Englishman. They're all slightly "different" in that one is married to a Canadian, and the other lived in the US for a couple of years. Once English people have met and befriended foreigners or lived abroad they change a bit because they realise people from abroad actually have proper social skills and this rubs off on them a bit.
10/05/23 Ponsonbyjones
3
Just going by how offended some English people sound, in the comments, with a total lack of empathy for your situation, tells you all you need to know about your situation. Of you went to Italy for instance, you would never be in such a situation. They are very warm people. I'm not Italian but I've had nothing but warm friendliness from any Italians I've met. I can say the same for African immigrants I've met here as well. The English are cliquey, even they will tell you so and so are cliquey people themselves. I've lived here long enough (for decades) and made friends with the kind ones and also, most importantly, learnt to become a bit more introverted and enjoy my own company a bit more. I notice that this way, I don't find it hard to engage with the English. I take it or leave it. If they're unfriendly, I leave them alone. If they're friendly, I make more small talk with them. Don't expect anything more in return, but sometimes the English people I meet surprise me with their willingness to know me better, and yes some of them are nuts, but not always - keep the ones who aren't. I suppose there's not much more you can do. Move somewhere else. I can't as I'm married to someone (a white European) who's very happy here and I don't have the economic resources to move to another country by myself, so I've learnt to live with it. This is a reason why many ethnic minorities tend to stick together in their groups. Looking at the comments here, some English folk attribute correlation to causation without even being part of minority circles themselves. I've mixed around with different minority circles and I have heard many of their stories, about how they've been treated in a racist or exclusionary manner by the English locals, that's why they band together instead. Nothing to be ashamed of if you want to be a part of their circles. It's just a way to make life more interesting and more social. If you're a social type, trust me, you'd be happier in an ethnic minority circle than trying your damnedest to make friends with unwilling English people. As for English friends, you have to live here for a looong time and really get to know them, and you mustn't have other options to run away available - kinda like me, lol That way, eventually you will come to see why they're like this. Many of them just don't comprehend what life is like for ethnic minorities or foreigners. And don't just assume only the English are like this. This is common in Scandinavian countries, Switzerland, etc.. it's just the way people are here. Americans are more friendly, yes.
19/07/21 Just another person
10
Spot on comment. I've lived on the North of England for 5 and a half years. Its a small, very insular white English town and have become all too familiar with the standoffishness, and unfriendliness of 95% of the English people here. Even in my neighbourhood or during the school run, it seems that they always expect me to be the one to initiate saying hi. Trying to make friendly chit chat with some of these English folks is like pulling teeth, they have made it very clear that they are not interested in getting to know me, and prefer to keep me at a distance. Yet the way the are so chatty, and pally pally with other English folks, I definitely can tell that its just me that they are wary of. The few British people that I've tried to befriend unfortunately had some sort of ulterior motive in the friendship, or they had mental health issues. I got the feeling off all of them that because I was a quiet, eager to please Asian woman, that I would be an easy to control, doormat type friend, willing to tolerate all sorts of BS. Nearly all these friendships ended when I finally stood up for myself. And yes, you hit the nail on the head- they are more than happy to use the hospitality of others and this rarely or never gets reciprocated back.
14/03/21 Sars
14
Spot on...20 years in london and l have no english friends...of course they will be friendly ... at work ... at school .... even chit chat with you... but you will never bond or get closed as " actually be friends" ... unless maybe you are married or dating one long term....if you want to bond with locals you need to move beyond newcastle l am afraid... and thats the same for most foreigners l know
09/08/20 Princess
10
Is this LONDON we're talking about? I'm a Northern English person and even I would REALLY STRUGGLE to make friends (or a friend) of any race or nationality in London. It's a very transient place where it's not easy to connect with people on the move and the wealth class (high v low) is the biggest in the country (England and the UK as a whole). Move up north people are friendlier and more hospitable. London's just a tourist trap or a business hub. Not exactly an ideal location for finding forever friends no matter what your race, ethnicity or nationality is. :)
03/08/16 BKMAKB
6
I'm mixed Asian (north and south) and a quarter North West European. I had a West Indian (Jamaican) Christian upbringing, although today I'd say I'm a borderline 'in the closet'/'out and proud atheist'. I am English by nationality and have a reasonable mix of black, white and asian friends. This being said, I have never had any proper friends who are first generation Eastern European, Chinese, Japanese, Scandinavian, German, Middle-Eastern, Russian. Second, third an fourth generation yes, but no firsts, as yet. However, I know loads of people who do, my brother and sister included, and who both also have good mixes of friends.
Yes there are ignorant arses here, and many many of them in some places (seemingly more over the last few years), but don't let your lack of understanding about the aloof sentiments of ordinary and decent English people be over-shadowed by these buffoons. Sadly, I think you must be falling into the 'those that shout the loudest' trap. I sympathise, it's easy to depending on 'who you run into' during your time here. Yes, we English have a limited ability, and often limited desire, to proactively find common ground with others (with fellow Englishman included) and are more than happy to keep ourselves to ourselves (or to our existing circles, and who is in that circle is often a consequence of the type of people you grew up with in your life). Although polite, the English are naturally stand-offish and suspicious (more-so the more different to the person you are) until we get to know someone and find common ground, hell I am similar! When people come on too strong (as Americans often do) we can get put off, when people are too eager to speak to you, it makes us feel uncomfortable. We like our social connections to feel naturally-paced and genuine. We like the sociable, but not the socially desperate. We like and respond well to a strange kind of 'aloof but confident, and not too full on' conversation. If you are confident, exercise a light sense of humour and are willing to start small in conversation with someone and work your way up together in 'slowly' increasing and diversifying your conversations and discovery of common grounds, you'll do fine with most people. This is just who we are and is part of why we take so long to get to know or connect with. We are like this with each other often too so don't let your ego allow you to think it's all about you - consider for a moment how people from different classes interact when first meeting and getting to know each other, or those from the North and those from the South of our country. The suspicion and 'stand-offishness' is just the same, just often better hiden because your fellow Englishman is more adapt in reading you and you already have a bit of an idea of other likely, but looser, common grounds. If you analyse these interactions, you'll see it's not always about 'you'. Although, this said, if you seem intolerant or not accepting of English values and culture, we will sense this tone and reciprocate, which often means shutting off to you. We will do this to other Englishmen too from other classes and from other areas of Britian, if they seem disregarding or incompatible with our own sensibilities.
What you've got to remember is that people from other countries are an unknown quantity, we struggle to categorise you in our minds easily. I still experience this myself because of, what is seen as, my non-typical and unusual background. Doesn't make it right but we don't live in an ideal world so just get on with it. Yes it's easier for me as I have English sensibilities too so understand them.
In addition to this, my experience has been that many foreign groups make limited effort to integrate and find common ground (of course there are many that get on fine). Despite what you may think, our typical position has always been to exercise religous tolerance in this country, however, our religion comes second, and our sense of 'English-ness' is expected to come first. The reasons for the current state of affairs in intolerance are numerous, but I find that among the most relevant is a general loss of patience for first, second and even third generations of large numbers of people from other cultures to just get on and intergrate already!! Everyone, including myself, has waited decades for some groups to do this but they have been too arrogant, insular and inward looking to do this. Emigration has gained negative connotations today now because of this long-standing problem.
26/07/16 Victoria
Yes there are ignorant arses here, and many many of them in some places (seemingly more over the last few years), but don't let your lack of understanding about the aloof sentiments of ordinary and decent English people be over-shadowed by these buffoons. Sadly, I think you must be falling into the 'those that shout the loudest' trap. I sympathise, it's easy to depending on 'who you run into' during your time here. Yes, we English have a limited ability, and often limited desire, to proactively find common ground with others (with fellow Englishman included) and are more than happy to keep ourselves to ourselves (or to our existing circles, and who is in that circle is often a consequence of the type of people you grew up with in your life). Although polite, the English are naturally stand-offish and suspicious (more-so the more different to the person you are) until we get to know someone and find common ground, hell I am similar! When people come on too strong (as Americans often do) we can get put off, when people are too eager to speak to you, it makes us feel uncomfortable. We like our social connections to feel naturally-paced and genuine. We like the sociable, but not the socially desperate. We like and respond well to a strange kind of 'aloof but confident, and not too full on' conversation. If you are confident, exercise a light sense of humour and are willing to start small in conversation with someone and work your way up together in 'slowly' increasing and diversifying your conversations and discovery of common grounds, you'll do fine with most people. This is just who we are and is part of why we take so long to get to know or connect with. We are like this with each other often too so don't let your ego allow you to think it's all about you - consider for a moment how people from different classes interact when first meeting and getting to know each other, or those from the North and those from the South of our country. The suspicion and 'stand-offishness' is just the same, just often better hiden because your fellow Englishman is more adapt in reading you and you already have a bit of an idea of other likely, but looser, common grounds. If you analyse these interactions, you'll see it's not always about 'you'. Although, this said, if you seem intolerant or not accepting of English values and culture, we will sense this tone and reciprocate, which often means shutting off to you. We will do this to other Englishmen too from other classes and from other areas of Britian, if they seem disregarding or incompatible with our own sensibilities.
What you've got to remember is that people from other countries are an unknown quantity, we struggle to categorise you in our minds easily. I still experience this myself because of, what is seen as, my non-typical and unusual background. Doesn't make it right but we don't live in an ideal world so just get on with it. Yes it's easier for me as I have English sensibilities too so understand them.
In addition to this, my experience has been that many foreign groups make limited effort to integrate and find common ground (of course there are many that get on fine). Despite what you may think, our typical position has always been to exercise religous tolerance in this country, however, our religion comes second, and our sense of 'English-ness' is expected to come first. The reasons for the current state of affairs in intolerance are numerous, but I find that among the most relevant is a general loss of patience for first, second and even third generations of large numbers of people from other cultures to just get on and intergrate already!! Everyone, including myself, has waited decades for some groups to do this but they have been too arrogant, insular and inward looking to do this. Emigration has gained negative connotations today now because of this long-standing problem.
-11
I'm English and just returned after 9 years in the Mediterranean and you are spot on. Inhospitable sums it up. Cold. Distant. The few English people I have met had serious mental issues. They moan about how they go to live in Spain and the Spanish don't integrate with them. True. But they do the same thing to foreigners in the UK.
01/05/16 Sass
19
Hi Rita,
What you said is so true!I am Welsh but have lived in England (in the same town) for more than 40 years, and I can count my friends on less than 2 hands. Here you can see the same people frequently- very rarely they might greet you, but mostly you are ignored. Most people I know here say the same, but when I lived in Wales, everyone was lovely and friendly. I got a bit of a complex, thinking it must be me, but I know it isn't.
27/03/16 jane
What you said is so true!I am Welsh but have lived in England (in the same town) for more than 40 years, and I can count my friends on less than 2 hands. Here you can see the same people frequently- very rarely they might greet you, but mostly you are ignored. Most people I know here say the same, but when I lived in Wales, everyone was lovely and friendly. I got a bit of a complex, thinking it must be me, but I know it isn't.
16
Today I shopped in a store owned and run by exiles from one of our new commonwealth countries. When I came to pay for the goods which I had selected the new citizen managing the checkout could not be bothered to look me in the eye, or smile, or give a damn who I was. All they wanted was my cash which they thoroughly checked for its watermark. They did not even thank me for my business, or bid me on my way.
That's the reality of the friendliness that these people bring. As far as I could ascertain these people are depressed, quite uninterested in being denizens of our land. Well it rains here, tough scheit!
03/02/16 Home Sweet Home
That's the reality of the friendliness that these people bring. As far as I could ascertain these people are depressed, quite uninterested in being denizens of our land. Well it rains here, tough scheit!
-22
Well if you don't like it go and bugger off to Timbuktu
30/01/16 Nick Fell
-31
If you are speaking of a kind of artificial, loud-mouthed, ungenuine friendship, you can keep it. Genuine friendship is as the Ancient Greeks spoke of it, intellectual equals. Few people can match my demand for that, so people like me prefer to keep their own company. The English make most of their friends in childhood and those are the real friends that one usually keeps for life.
As far as I can see the many millions of newcomers who have made their home in this land seem quite unwilling to integrate with the native majority, preferring to keep their own dress and customs, and dietary habits. Is that friendly? Not in my book. Many of the newcomers don't respect our customs like forming queues at bus stops. The monoculturism of their own community keeps them far away from our ideals. These monocultures prefer to live in their own ghettoes. If you prefer to wear the badges of your original tribe, and continue to live with your own kind, then you have created your own separate class. Brits in those circumstances will probably not make any real effort to be especially friendly to you.
If you are newcomers and don't have English friends what real effort have you made to integrate here? Do you really understand our history and traditions? Do you know the rules of Rugby? You may know the rules of cricket but do you understand the deep nature of being a gentleman that cricket teaches? Do you understand the long history how we Brits won our freedoms? And I don't just mean Magna Carta. Did your school teach you Latin? Or do you consider that a dead language? Asian? Do you play football? probably not. What did you learn about this country before coming here?
Come back again when you have learned to eat roast beef, or bacon and eggs, and put milk in your tea. Come back again when you can have a pint of beer in a pub.
21/01/16 Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot
As far as I can see the many millions of newcomers who have made their home in this land seem quite unwilling to integrate with the native majority, preferring to keep their own dress and customs, and dietary habits. Is that friendly? Not in my book. Many of the newcomers don't respect our customs like forming queues at bus stops. The monoculturism of their own community keeps them far away from our ideals. These monocultures prefer to live in their own ghettoes. If you prefer to wear the badges of your original tribe, and continue to live with your own kind, then you have created your own separate class. Brits in those circumstances will probably not make any real effort to be especially friendly to you.
If you are newcomers and don't have English friends what real effort have you made to integrate here? Do you really understand our history and traditions? Do you know the rules of Rugby? You may know the rules of cricket but do you understand the deep nature of being a gentleman that cricket teaches? Do you understand the long history how we Brits won our freedoms? And I don't just mean Magna Carta. Did your school teach you Latin? Or do you consider that a dead language? Asian? Do you play football? probably not. What did you learn about this country before coming here?
Come back again when you have learned to eat roast beef, or bacon and eggs, and put milk in your tea. Come back again when you can have a pint of beer in a pub.
-40
alistair