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Friend taking advantage of me?

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I have a friend originally from Zimbabwe (South Africa), who I've known for over 10 years now, who I was introduced to, through a training centre.

In the time I've known him, when I've been invited to his house for a long weekend, the atmosphere with his mother and sister was very clinical, there was hardly any words of love or encouragement expressed, though if there were any, it would be monosyllabic (simple yes or no answers).  As it was a hot summer day, all the windows were closed, the very strong odour of cats and catnip in the air was making it very difficult for me to breathe, and as the day progressed, my chest was tightening up severely.

My "friend" looked round on various occasions, in a disturbingly smug way and said "What's up with you?" I asked desperately if either of them had an inhaler I could borrow - I was just looked at blankly as if I was talking another language, so all I could do was sit and suffer.

I will keep this gripe relating to my friend throughout, as to avoid deviating from the point.

I felt as though I was in prison - whether my friend was joking or not, it was difficult to tell, and any comments were, in my opinion, delivered in a "asking to be slapped" manner, because he would have that obnoxious grin on his face at the same time.

Friend taking advantage of me? Whenever I went on any social occasions with his family, as pleasant as some of these were, I felt under close scrutiny all the time, his mother told me to my face that I was "strange", his sister said very little as she was painfully shy.

Whenever his mum and sister were out, he would be very militarist in his attitude, I wasn't allowed to go into the garden without his permission, open the windows "in case the cats escaped" (which in my opinion, wouldn't bother me in the slightest as I'm medically allergic to them - a fact I only became aware of, when I saw my GP the following week!!), couldn't have a drink, put the TV on, listen to music, use his computer, or even have a shower, as he would make mental notes of everything I was doing and ask all sorts of questions like "you were in the shower for a long time, you'll run the water out," "don't you like my cute little cats," "don't touch anything, I'm in the shower so won't be long." It would go on and on and on etc.

The biggest occasion that occurred was seeing Bryan Adams live in concert at the Bournemouth NEC, where we all travelled by coach.  My "friend" always wanted to sit next to me.  Whilst finding our seat, I went first, so he was shoving me by my bottom, and we sat down, and were talking about the exciting journey.  However, on the way I started to feel very sleepy as it was a very early start, and I had very little sleep because I felt unsettled and feeling very drained, as I had to sleep on the floor on an inflatable bed which deflated as the night progressed.  He would poke me and say "Oi, no catnapping!" I couldn't win, however I caught him about to do the same, so I poked him back, he didn't say a word.

The concert was great, and to see Bryan Adams sing his classics and interact with the audience, he came across as such a nice, natural bloke.

A few days later, I received a call from my friend, who had a very serious voice, and I was immediately worried - he asked me if I enjoyed the weekend, and also how I felt about the hotel etc., we both spoke about this, until, out of the blue, he said: "Did you know that you have to pay for your part in the weekend - the bed, the breakfast, and the concert ticket?" "Did you think my mother had paid for us all on our credit card?" I said yes, as I was sure it was a kind, friend-type gesture.  He said: No!  He only paid for us three and you've got to pay back £200 to my mum for inviting you!"

So, I was receiving benefits at that time and had to spend the whole of the following year paying his mum back!!

This whole experience has left me feeling so angry and resentful, as I was treated appallingly, if ever I was invited anywhere, I knew I'd end up paying for it, some way or the other.

He would continuously telephone me, and whenever we met up, he'd be very authoritarian towards me, he would belittle me, particularly as I also am a heavy snorer, and whenever I was sleeping round his, he would bang on the ceiling, or on one occasion, come down and spray cold water all over me!!

I was absolutely fuming, unfortunately, too tired to muster the energy to get up and punch him straight in the face - I reckon if I took that action, he'd either become very violent back, or would cry!

Whenever we went swimming or were just lazing about round his house, he'd make comments about how fat I was when I was ready for swimming, and also when going up any stairs, if he was behind me, I remember an occasion when he kept punching my bottom and laughing.

What can I do?

We eventually lost contact about 7 years ago, and I had the misfortune of bumping into him again, which all started off fairly OK, but now, I think he's going back to his old tricks again - we exchanged numbers and email addresses which is now a very big mistake I have made, because I'm getting texts, emails, phone calls unnecessarily, so now I've had to switch off my mobile - I'm just glad I haven't given him my landline number - where would it all end?

In a nutshell, I love all the excitement of going out places, but I had their constant emphasis of spending loads of money all the time - I can't keep up with this, and when I've spoken about this, he listens but then he carries on just the same!!

I don't have a great deal of self-confidence and KNOW that he's taking full advantage of me!  Apologies for the tone of some of his gripe.

By: pm1970


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Donna

Donna

Hi Just to say that I will still read any comments about what I wrote on my Friendship posting, but will not comment as I am still looking at this.
Donna
27th Nov 12 14:26

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Donna

Donna

This is not a gripe, or something I will be discussing and getting input from anyone. I am leaving this website because I know the answer to my own question I put on here for FRIENDSHIP, sorry to waste anyone's time on here but just realize the answer. Goodbye
Donna
27th Nov 12 06:08

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-4
Donna

Donna

Wow I have not done this before, but I am pleased that I have and stood my ground with someone on here, as I am not from the UK, I am from Canada.
Donna
26th Nov 12 22:38

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Donna

Donna

Jobby, Thank you for saying this comment as I like this one much better.
Donna
26th Nov 12 21:20

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Donna

Donna

Jobby: Good I hope you remember that. I am a friendly person, but need to stand my ground when people like you come around.
Donna
26th Nov 12 20:36

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Donna

Donna

To Jobby, please don't take this the wrong way, but I wanted reasonable people to give me commets, I do have friends that like me just wondered if the two people I wrote about really want me as a friend to them. As for you don't comment on my postings please and thank you.
Donna
26th Nov 12 20:20

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Donna

Donna

I have something to say about friends in my life that I met from church that I go to. There is one friend who I say once a week as I volunteer at his job, yes we talk during that day, but not much else happens after that day. He also goes to church and is friends with everyone else and do things with them, as I know him to I don't get included either as I do go to church at times to. Another friend who also goes to the same church as me, yes I have her e-mail address and her home and cell phone numbers, she also has a busy life with work, but when she suggests going out for tea or coffee, nothing happens after she suggests this or is she waiting to hear from me to set things up for her. I also feel that I am kinda getting put aside from her better friends if I can call it that because I don't have a job and make good money like she does, and has friends that make money like her that might make her feel more comfortable with them instead of me of who is not making money at all. I will admit that I don't know how to be a friend to either of the two friends, but still be left out of things. What could I do or is it just two people that I should forget about?
Donna
26th Nov 12 18:32

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0
widge7uk

widge7uk

The guys a control freak. Ditch him and fast otherwise he'll continue to mentally abuse you which will turn into physical abuse at some point no doubt. Failing that, kick him in the nuts!
widge7uk
30th Sep 10 06:29

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-7
rob

rob

As long as you know what you're wanting, what you will and won't accept, then you can communicate this clearly to your friend, as well as potentially to his family, if you decide to meet with them again.

Assuming the role of victim, and allowing your boundaries to be broken by continued treatment that you dislike, is not in your best interest. You have the right to see these people or not, and also the terms on which your relationship with this is based.

On a positive point, you now understand your health better - you know of allergies, and you understand the importance of keeping inhalers with you all the time. You also likely understand what you want from friendships and relationships better too. Whether you choose to do anything differently is now your call.
rob
26th Sep 10 21:20

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-2
Linda Mitchell

Linda Mitchell

pm1970, it's unpleasant to be in situations where we're made to feel "less than" or "beholden to" others.
If you have dealings with him again, I'd make certain there was a understanding about any expectations (financial, especially). He did treat you with disrespect and you need to be around people who are kind to you and uplift you, who respect you and whom you respect.
I also think his mother saying you were "strange" was rude. I hope you find good friends who will talk and communicate with you and make you feel a part of their group and very welcome.
There is the saying: "Better alone than in bad company." and it is so true. All the best!
Linda Mitchell
2nd Jun 10 22:20

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-10
aaaaa

aaaaa

stop talking to him. change your number and delete his emails.
aaaaa
10th Dec 09 22:10

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1
Bukowski

Bukowski

It can be easy for someone to gradually lose their self esteem when involved with these sort of 'people' but please, PLEASE tell this knobhead to just F*** right off. You don't have to give any reasons, you can simply ignore his calls/e-mails. He has probably found a few emotional punchbags in his time and will no doubt find more.
Toxic friendships and relationships are just that - toxic. So tell him to sling his hook and find yourself feeling a whole lot better. Real friends do not treat you this way. I've had this problem in the past with certain people and I found the will to just drop them and ignore them if I met them by chance anywhere. He's using you, DON'T LET HIM.
Bukowski
29th Oct 09 23:19

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-9
Purple

Purple

This is going to sound crazy, but you fell victim to his South African culture as much as his own personal faults. I've known South Africans as housemates and colleagues, so I understand how "rigid" and their culture is.

The fact you're worried about getting back in contact with this friend after 7 years coping fine without him suggests that it's not a good idea for you to get back in contact with him. Whether it's a culture clash or a personality clash, being friends with anyone isn't meant to make you feel horrible!
Purple
15th Sep 09 23:09

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I despise you all

I despise you all

It's far more than friends who are taking advantage of me. It's the whole population. Everyone in this awful country of ours is out to cheat everyone else. I loathe everybody who lives in it. I hate everyone. A health warning should be placed at all major ports of entry: "Backstabbing, nasty, greedy people live here". If you live here you will be cheated. The chances are you are among the 95% who are losers in this game, and who have lost everything. Remember in this game you cannot even trust your spouse, nor children, nor sisters and brothers, gold-diggers the lot of them.
I despise you all
9th Aug 09 08:03

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-5
Al

Al

Hi PM

I would suggest you change your mobile phone number and block their emails so that they cannot get in touch with you. You really don't need this sort of 'friendship' I think you already know what you should do but maybe lack the confidence in actually doing it so you're asking for some sort of 'permission' via this website.

Can you join some local clubs near to where you live? ramblers association or something similar?

Please don't put up with anymore of this abuse!

Take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect then others will do too.
Al
22nd Jul 09 13:34

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