13 comments Add a comment
I am writing because I think that the laws regarding children in divorce in our country are barbaric and antiquated at best. I do not believe they put the interests of the child first. Children will continue to be used as pawns and only the implementation of default 50/50 joint custody and residency orders, after separation and/or divorce will prevent this.
So, where do I start? Let me first tell you of my decision. As callous and as uncaring as it initially sounds I would like to stress that I love, beyond all reason, my little one. With that in mind, I would now like to shock you. I have decided that the best course of action for my daughter is for me to abandon her.
Why? I'll explain.
After much soul searching and research, I have come to an understanding that after a divorce or separation it is in the best interests of a child that both parents continue to be involved in his/her life, in a co-parenting, joint custody, joint residency arrangement; where both parents understand - that due to them both being adults and deciding to procreate - they need to put their children first. This will involve them having to cooperate with one another, put the emotional, physical and financial needs of their children first, and most importantly, never use their children as a means to an end.
If this is unachievable, that is; if one or both parents continue to involve their children in their conflict, then the next best step is for one of the parents - in the current political climate this will normally be the father - to disappear from their child's life. In effect, abandon the child.
I say this because the affect of divorce on children, without parents involving them in conflict, is hard enough. But parents who involve their children, or at the very least allow them to be exposed to their unreasonable behaviour, do immeasurable damage to them. It is my opinion that a child witnessing unreasonable behaviour between their parents will undoubtedly, and most likely, cause them to become traumatised. Furthermore, it is my opinion that this trauma is basically a form of abuse, and as such I believe that this will have a much worse effect on a child's mental and emotional development than that same child being abandoned by one parent.
I understand that my opinion will cause a great deal of revulsion in many a reader. But I would like to stress that this is not my fault. I have decided to take this course of action through a genuine desire to limit the amount of pain and suffering my daughter will undoubtedly experience in her life. I am unable to explain this to her, as she is only 3 years old.
By: It's the least worst option
Leave a comment
It's hard - I think it is self-sacrificial. And it must be harder for you as your own child. I feel torn - the child is very fond of me and sees me as a calm, stable, kind influence. Feels safe with me and trusts me - loves the three of us being together and a little family unit. But it makes the Mother jealous and I actually think child would be better living with one parent or the other. Problem is - Mother likes leaving child here so she can have a life. Father likes having child here. Child hates being bounced around. And I am now part of that, yet have no say in anything.
I too am thinking of leaving - so child doesn't have further disruption (my contact was stopped for 3 weeks recently. Child is now anxious again after I just disappeared for three weeks.
And just think of the years of brain-washing her mother will be able to carry out on her about why Daddy left and didn't want to see her if you aren't around refuting all the lies she will tell just by being there to care for your daughter.
Your X's vindictive abuse of using your daughter as a weapon to fulfil her own needs to hurt you regardless of the emotional damage she will be causing to her own child is quite simply evil but because everything is stacked against fathers in the UK don't expect anyone in power to take your side in things.
I know where you are coming fom having been through this myself, I was so close to walking away but ended up hanging on for dear life to the few times allowed with my 2 beautiful kids. Times are still tough with the never ending abuse off my X but my kids are older now and know that their dad will always be there for them and they are starting to question the manipulation they get off their own mother. This is something I never point out but they are working out on there own.
Good luck to you with whatever decison you make.
Each case is different and there is no "one size fits all" solution.
You can only do what you feel in your heart of hearts is the right decision.
Just wish you all the best and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes for all the tea in China...
My 'Father' died last year - we never got to know him or his 'new' family and he didn't get to meet his wonderful children and grandchildren. His choice.
Do you not have any family on either side who can act as a mediator so that you do not loose contact with your child?
Is there a third person involved? has your ex found someone you feel will replace you in your child's affections?
I wish you the best and I hope that you make the right decision for you and your daughter. You have the power to contact your child as she grows up - nobody can take that away from you.
k
Children deserve the right to live in a secure stable happy environment. They deserve the right to sleep well in their beds knowing that the person looking after them is on their side, and loves them to the moon and back. That parent will never be rich but as long as the children are loved and happy it does not matter. Things are just that "things"
Those parents who have issues regarding control, inability to show love and affection is a positive way and find it hard to deal with the world without blaming another person for their actions should consider if their presence in the child's life is a benefit to the child.
Often those people think only about themselves and I hear it all the time from my ex and friends ex's the I WANT not what would the children like to do. Mothers often are perceived as being spiteful bitches who stop access and try to make their ex partners lives miserable and I am sure in some cases that is true.
Try putting the shoe on the other foot, as a parent you are trying to balance their lives between school, friends and their other parent. More often than not splitting a child in half is not beneficial to the child. Its novel at first but being pushed from pillar to post, being told you have to go, being asked to not do what you want, new bed every other night, different people and no stability, all for what ? A parent who loves their child but has not asked that child if they would like to spend time with them and what they would like to do with that quality time. The ex parent who does not live with the child often only see it as their right and not what it is the child's right to build a relationship. I have never stopped access and do encourage it but detest the fact that fathers on the web seem oblivious to the rights of their children and only see it as their right and drag their children and ex partners through court blaming the "EX" for causing the problems.
So hence why I applaud you, you have put your child first, you thought about her needs before your own that's a parent. I do suggest that as a loving parent you send Christmas, birthday cards and put money in a savings account for her and always let it know the door is always open. But I am sure you are doing that already