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My children live with their father and have done since we separated some years ago. Our children are ten and eleven. My ex-partner has residency, but we have shared parental responsibility. Although I live 300 miles away I see my kids every three or four weeks and send financial support to my ex, but the big problem is that he is always trying to alienate me from my children and Im struggling to see a way forward.
My ex married and they have since had a child together who is now nearly two, however, he is also now getting a divorce from his wife and has told me they want the children to remain with their stepmother and brother in their family home. I would like our children to come and live with me and my partner of several years.
I did not willingly leave the family home or our children, I was basically forced to leave by my ex. Why? The reason for this is that I had another child when I was younger and the Child was adopted. I will always fell very guilty for this and this still hurts me to remember. Unfortunately I did not tell my ex partner and he found out.
he has always threatened to tell our children about my past when we argue over visiting...
We were together for 12 years and I tried so many times to tell him, but I just could not find the courage or the appropriate opportunity to go through with it. I loved him and our children. I feared what would happen when I told him, and in the end it did anyway. None of our friends or his family knew, he soon told them all and I felt so ashamed. He has always threatened to tell our children about my past when we argue over visiting. I struggled to find work initially and lived with a relative whilst I got back on my feet and the children remained with their father.
Living without my children brings me so much raw pain and I hide this as much as I can. Barely a night passes when I do not wake for a moment thinking my children are in next room, only to remember that they are not! The heartache fills me and I grieve so much for them and the emotional pain they went through. I was a good mother and my ex-partner has always acknowledged this.
My children and I were very close and in ways we still are. My ex has told me that they have said they do not want to hurt me and they love me, but want to stay with their stepmother, brother, friends school etc. He has told me that I would have to go to court and that the courts would decide that they should stay with the stepmother. How do I go forward? I really want to fight for my children, but I dont know who to believe or what I should do.
By: Anonymous
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I suggest moving to the town where your children are settled and getting a place there so they can live with you again.
But as i'm almost forced to give an opinion or try to help with this, I have to say: If the mother, writter of this text, really love her children, she has to be happy if tey are happy. It's not that simple, I know... but it's the only way, I guess.
Their happiness is her happiness.
I suspect he is saying what he is, as then he only pays CSA for 1 child rather than 3 (if they go back to you), sorry that's harsh I know!
Good luck with whatever you decide, at 10 and 11 they'll adjust to new surroundings etc, so long as they're happy thats the main thing xx
True, and no offence intended. My fault - people hiding things from their nearest and dearest because they "don't like to talk about it" is one of my pet hates. Perhaps I should post that as a separate gripe !
First - you tell them about your first child. That defuses your ex-'s weapon.
Second - You find out what they really want, preferably by getting a third party to ask them (eg a court appointed social worker). Remeber that even a ten year old does not have much interest in, or bond with a half-sibling eight years younger.
Third - You let them do what they want - if the courts approve it. It is extremely unlikely that residence with a stepmother would be granted by any court over a claim by a natural mother with a stable home life and already holding parental responsibility.
@Gherkindangler: There is no point in saying, you should have done this or that 12 years ago - it doesn't help.
Having said that, his current behaviour is still completely out of order and you're better off without him. If your children really prefer to live with him ( and you need to hear that from them rather than from him) then you need to think very carefully before trying to force some other arrangement through the courts. As a previous poster said, the important thing is to be there for them. Remember too that they'll be teenagers all too soon and they'll start to make their own decisions about whose they really prefer. Good luck !
Your children are young. But they are also going to have to make choices which are hard for them. Be there for them and suportive with their choices. I think sitting down with them and having a heart to heart would be a great start.
Also the counsellor ideas good. Sounds like you need to speak honestly with someone who is outside of the situation. They could give you fresh ideas and advice. And to help increase you confidence, sounds like you have lost some over the years because of this.
I would also suggest you go to see a solicitor and find out what your rights are. Would you be comfortable about talking to your children about their father's divorce and what you would like to happen and ask them what they want? these two children will be going through the divorce process too and it will have a huge impact on their lives. Everything they know and all their securities must be tied up within their home/school and homelife.
I think maybe you need to speak to someone about getting some emotional support i.e. a counsellor who can maybe help you come to terms with your 'guilt' relating to your first child.
Good luck x
Dayara & Gustavo