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I want to go to college, not have more kids

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I'm 22 yrs old, I've been with my boyfriend since I was 15 years old. He is four years older than me and we have three wonderful, smart kids.  I had my first child at 16, another at 19, and the third when I was 20.  I started to get my life back, after having my son, lost weight and I've been trying to become more independent.  I started high school again and finally graduated having had to put that on hold due to the first pregnancy.

Then it was back to being pregnant again because their dad wouldn't use any form of protection, even if I said no.  He basically didn't respect me at all and would often treat me like trash and be rude to me.  He would call me such awful things which basically can't be repeated.  He would tell me that I was nothing and that I can never be better than him, I can never go to College etc.  Well despite what he said, I started looking into college locally, so that I can still take care of my kids whilst going part time.  But then I found out I am pregnant again.

I've thought a lot about my life since then.  How would my life ever be if I have another child, and if I didn't keep the baby.  At the time it seemed better for me to have the pregnancy terminated than another baby.  I weighed it all out and scheduled an appointment with the clinic (even though I am actually against that kind of thing).  I missed several appointments because each time, being driven by my boyfriend, he would constantly argue with me and tell me that he'd probably just get me pregnant again.

A pregnant woman - life with kids or a career I feel that he is trying to trap me into a life of just kids.  I want a career and I don't want to work at Wal-Mart, Target or McDonald's for the rest of my life.  I have higher aspirations for my family and me.  Since I was 15 I have had no help from anyone, taking care of my children.  I don't trust people easily with my kids.  I bend backwards for them and I don't think others would do the same for them.  My parents are not very maternal, and his parents aren't interested in helping with their grandchildren while I am studying.  They let me know that quite clearly enough.  I don't need to get better in life, because their son is my way in life.  He doesn't not make a lot of money, he makes enough for one person and we are on food stamp right now.  We can't afford good quality healthy foods.  We can't even afford baby food or milk for our baby.

I went to the clinic and the person I spoke to assured me that my baby is still young, no definition or anything.  She said I was a little over 12 weeks, so I stepped out went home did my research online and saw that there was plenty of definition.  The baby is very developed enough to recognize it's a foetus.  I can't stand the guilt and decided to cancel the surgery appointment.  I am now keeping the baby.

Here is my dilemma.  My situation isn't getting any better, so I am wondering if I should give birth and just leave the kids with him. I know his parents will help and support him.  Should I go to college to provide a better life for my kids in the future?  I'm interested in a Nursing, Associates Degree, 24 months or maybe a bit longer.  I'd want to take my kids later on, live with them and fwatch them grow.  I just want to separate from their father.  What should I do?


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Critter

Critter

Aw that's an awful situation. You sound like you are very giving and considerate, you've been putting other people first which is lovely, but not when your fella has been treating you so badly. I really don't think that you should stay with him or have your children brought up by him. He (going purely by your post) is manipulative and selfish.
I can understand that you would feel very stuck as leaving someone must be very hard, especially when faced with the prospect of being a single parent and trying to support your children. I do think if you are to have the life you want you need to to take a brave step.
I recon that he is right about one thing - if you abort the child he will get you pregnant again. You will perhaps feel bad for the one you aborted and will still be faced with the prosepct of having another child.
What he is doing sounds criminal to me. Honestly - literally criminal. I hope you take yourself and your children away from this abuse.
As to what to do about the current pregnancy I really couldn't even attempt to advise you. You have to weigh up what is right by a) your own morals on the issue of abortion, b) what you feel is right for you and your children. Whatever you decide should be your decision and no-one should make you feel bad or guilty which ever way you choose. What ever you choose will be wrong in someone's view so do what YOU think you should do.
Honestly this has touched me. I hope so very much that you get the life you deserve and find your own happiness. Good luck xx
Critter
25th May 11 19:05

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Bagpuss

Bagpuss

I really feel for you. All I can say is that it really is never too late. I was in a similar position to you although not nearly so extreme. Married at twenty and had three babies in three and a half years. My husband also didn't earn much and we struggled. Like you, I wanted an education, and like you, my husband didn't iniitally support me. He was worried I would meet another man, or grow away from him, or basically, that he would lose control. However, when I did it anyway, he supported me eventually and I got my degree at 37 with three kids. Now I am a teacher, so all I can say is, perhaps put it on hold for a short time. Then when things are a little more settled, go for it. Good luck. X
Bagpuss
2nd Mar 11 21:26

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Social worker

Social worker

You sound very immature even though you slept with this guy since you were 15.
You sound as though you do not really know what you want. A career is not going to take you away from him.

The best thing to do is quit sleeping and making babies. It is not fair on the kids.
You do not even mention the word 'love'. It seems that you both have s ex and nothing else. For god sake - Go on the pill !!

Contact your Social services and might help by guiding you in the right direction. It is unrealistic, at this stage to think of a career. It is something you will have to consider a little late when the kids have started school.

In the meantime, help your children as academically as possible. Take them to the Library. Read books everyday to them no matter what their age. Count everything with them to help them with Maths. You will make life easier for yourself if you help your kids this way - before they start school.

Check the library for careers advice. Make a plan for the next few years and not just tomorrow. Check your employment bureau to see what companies offer training, vocational apprenticeships, etc. All these things need planning. So for now, just do the thinking and then act on it when the kids are school age.
Social worker
2nd Nov 10 23:06

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Jess

Jess

12 weeks is towards the end of your first trimester, beginning of your 2nd. That is a little far (I'm pro-choice) but it's your body. You need to leave that psycho and get into counseling. Staying in that relationship is bad for your children. Be a good mother and role model and walk away! There are womens groups who will help you. Government assistance is not something for people to stay on forever so thats another reason you need to leave.
Jess
2nd Nov 10 22:48

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Anagrammer.

Anagrammer.

Mark Owen from Take that has just confessed to his wife about the loads of pre-marital affairs that he has had, and how his wife has banned him from the bedroom,
Good job that an anagram of his name is wxxk more, looks like he will be living up to the anagram of his name.
Anagrammer.
15th Mar 10 23:04

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joke

joke

Get on the pill, leave him, have your baby (do not give your kids to him) and then do your course
joke
8th Dec 09 11:34

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loopylou_891

loopylou_891

Firstly, your comments regarding contraception are ludicros. I understand that if he mentally abuses you its hard to leave etc, I have been there. However you could take the pill and if you were scared of him, then he need not know.
You can find ways to study, I think its great you want to do this, however you dont need to leave your kids, when and if you come back for them they may not want to know. You should leave this guy and make a better life for you and your children first. If things are as bad as you say, then would they not be better off living with you with visits to their dad? Get the kids into school then go back to study. While they not in school you could still learn, research yourself and teach bits to yourself. Dont give up, if you want something then you can do it, regardless. I dont think you should have anymore children, so still so young!
loopylou_891
15th May 09 21:02

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Mallory

Mallory

People like David make me sick with their attitudes. No doubt he's the kind of 'man' (and I use that term loosely) who believes that males are superior to females and should be subservient to men at all times. Disgusting.

To the author; I know you're in a difficult situation and you don't need all these people stating the obvious 'you should have used contraception'. Too late for that! But I would suggest that if you do decide to stay with this man, that you perhaps see about getting your tubes tied (unless you plan to have more children in the future). I'm guessing he's not the kind of person who'd agree to a vasectomy!

That said, I think you would be better off without him. It's possible to juggle children and a career, although it'll be hard, so maybe once your baby is born you could see about going on that course you mentioned. There's help available for single mothers. But you may just need to let go of the apron strings a little and trust other people to look after your little ones. Don't be afraid to ask for help!
Mallory
17th Mar 09 12:36

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Sunrise

Sunrise

Don't listen to David - he's full of cr*p - with hateful comments like that he probably buys into that well known work of fiction about the man who came down to earth and sacrificed himself on a cross. I feel for you. It might feel like you are in a desperate situation, and I would suggest that if you don't feel you can leave your partner, then he has clearly sapped any confidence you ever had, but you need to GET OUT with your children. You chose to have children, so its your responsibility to provide the kind of life you want for them. It sounds like a tall order, but going it alone can do wonders for self esteem. And if you want to go out and get a career, then make it happen for you. You might struggle financially, but the reward will be a good life for you and your kids.
Sunrise
15th Mar 09 01:44

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darlene

darlene

isnt it funny , if he says no to condoms he is compromising YOUR rights? some genius even suggested that was rape! Why dont you take the pill , dont have sex or practise contraception of some sort. YOU are responsible- your the one rooting around since 15 - its not rape - you ahve been with the same idiot since you were a minor and your still with him - you encourage him obviously? Or are you a moron? It might be the case? And if your not a moron then why is it abuse if he calls you names? I am sure you yelled a few names back - havent you? Isnt that mental abuse / neglect / emotional rape? Young women are priceless - you want the sex but not the responsibility.
darlene
13th Mar 09 05:14

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david

david

you should go to church, beg for forgiveness and go home and tell your man that you are sorry.
david
13th Mar 09 05:06

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2
Asking for Advice

Asking for Advice

Author of the Gripe above:
Thank you all for your advise and support. I appreciate that there are people in this world that does not even know me but care enough to let me know what they think of my situation, honestly and openly. I did not take the pill because I am against any form of drugs that contains steroids and hormones. As much as possible, I try to avoid taking any drugs, medicine or not. I like to be natural. I will be choosing another method Mirena, which isn't covered by my health insurance, I'll have to travel an hour away from where I live by car. I don't even take Tylenol or Advil, I just tought it out. Thinking about ligation or I might just stick to IUD (Mirena).
Asking for Advice
1st Oct 08 06:35

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Jenna

Jenna

dump him! My ex was just like that. He was insecure and didn't want me to better myself because he thought "I would get a big head and forget about him". Well, the minute he said those words I had no use for him whatsoever. Now we are divorced and I have never been happier. I own my own business and am going back to school for another degree. I only had one child though because I had the good sense to use birth control.
Jenna
20th Sep 08 23:18

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Steal.

Steal.

I love it when people think that lifes problems can be solved with a condom, not to say that a woman can actually take her own precutions and take one of the many array of contraception on offer to them.. but maybe that isnt the factor here.. maybe its education and the ability to stand up for ones self and say the word... NO??
Steal.
19th Sep 08 10:50

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0
sly

sly

If your partner has intercourse with you, regardless of wearing a condom or not, if you have said NO, and he forces it appon you, than that in the eyes of the law is RAPE!
sly
18th Sep 08 05:48

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