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I'd like to apologise to begin with, I'm afraid it's yet another story of a divided family with the ex not paying any maintenance and not really giving a damn about his kids. Still, it's nothing out of the ordinary these days it would seem, but I think it's the kids that suffer the most.
He left us when my youngest was 9 months and the eldest a year and 9 months. After a year and a half of being separated we get the odd 50 if he feels like it, but that's about it as far as financial support for my children goes... In a year I've received less than 200 from my ex in terms of child support money. I did originally go to the CSA but he claims benefits now and doesn't work except for cash in hand jobs, the result being I get just over £3 a week for both children.
He did agree to pay me 100 a month, but after 2 months he just stopped paying anything. Today I have called the benefit fraud hot-line although I seriously doubt it will make any difference to my financial situation with the kids. I'm so angry though and I know he has been working and earning more than me, yet I pay for everything our children need. Their birthdays fell in the same week and he didn't even buy either of them a card or presents.
He gave me 30 when he saw us last and this is all I have had since Christmas. It is really hard to get through this but one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that one day my children will see their father' for who he is, a self centred and selfish person who doesn't care about anyone else.
I am coping as a single mum, however, I feel sad that one day my kids will be totally devastated when they learn their dad went out of his way to avoid providing for them as they were growing up. He does see them twice a month (if he can be bothered and even then he often lets them down).
...out of work when the CSA get in touch
Isn't it interesting how many ex-partners there are out there who suddenly find themselves out of work when the CSA get in touch? I just seem to be stuck in a rut and his behaviour towards the two people I love more than anything else really does make me sick. Does anyone have any useful advice on how to deal with this situation?
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I'm in the same situation my ex has not provided for his child and gone to work he makes up fake illnesses which he tells my son he has. My son feels sorry for him. Whilst my son is not being provided for by that father it angers Me. Also my ex went out and got someone else pregnant now he has a daughter as well by someone else he doesn't provide for either... Not only that but haydens step sister wants to sit up late and play PlayStation with my son because she is not going to school because he says he is home schooling her... Then it keeps my son up late and he struggles to get up for school I went in 4 times to tell him to turn it off before I fell asleep as I had work the next day. So there unmanageability is affecting us and his daughter who must be craving to socialise wants to have relationships will stay up late because they have no commitments. No words to say I was told by the solicitor there is nothing they can do.
17/05/22 Keep going
0
Hi,
I had an identical situation with my ex so I know how infuriating it can be. My daughter aged 3 when we split (now 25) grew up knowing what a complete toss*r her father was without my having to do or say anything. He gave up work as soon as the court awarded maintenance and sat on the dole for years to spite me but I was working so he was the biggest loser, ha! He was meant to see her every other weekend but cancelled as often as not till I decided enough was enough. Anyway, after years of fecklessness and the worlds most pathetic excuses for birthday and xmas gifts, he moved abroad with his new foreign wife and 2 children (my daughter was then 13), he never rang, emailed or wrote to her; he would just show up on the doorstep once or maybe twice a year when he had come over anyway to see his mother. His family ( a large one) never really bothered with my daughter either, not even a card at xmas or birthday and his own cards would arrive a month late etc etc you get the picture. Now the point of my telling you all that is this: I too, like you, was worried when my daughter was young that she would be devastated by all this but it became the norm and she grew up with it and obviously decided for herself that he was a deadbeat dad. You reap what you sow and now she couldn't care less about him. Yes, I daresay, if asked she would answer she wished she had had a better father abd it does hurt a bit to think your own flesh and blood can treat you so poorly but she had a good stepfather eventually and she's always had and will always have me and her sister on her side through thick and thin. The moral of this story is you can't control what other people do, only what you do, so just keep on being the best mum you can be and let them judge for themselves as they grow up - they will anyway! All the best, Shell x
16/08/13 Shell
I had an identical situation with my ex so I know how infuriating it can be. My daughter aged 3 when we split (now 25) grew up knowing what a complete toss*r her father was without my having to do or say anything. He gave up work as soon as the court awarded maintenance and sat on the dole for years to spite me but I was working so he was the biggest loser, ha! He was meant to see her every other weekend but cancelled as often as not till I decided enough was enough. Anyway, after years of fecklessness and the worlds most pathetic excuses for birthday and xmas gifts, he moved abroad with his new foreign wife and 2 children (my daughter was then 13), he never rang, emailed or wrote to her; he would just show up on the doorstep once or maybe twice a year when he had come over anyway to see his mother. His family ( a large one) never really bothered with my daughter either, not even a card at xmas or birthday and his own cards would arrive a month late etc etc you get the picture. Now the point of my telling you all that is this: I too, like you, was worried when my daughter was young that she would be devastated by all this but it became the norm and she grew up with it and obviously decided for herself that he was a deadbeat dad. You reap what you sow and now she couldn't care less about him. Yes, I daresay, if asked she would answer she wished she had had a better father abd it does hurt a bit to think your own flesh and blood can treat you so poorly but she had a good stepfather eventually and she's always had and will always have me and her sister on her side through thick and thin. The moral of this story is you can't control what other people do, only what you do, so just keep on being the best mum you can be and let them judge for themselves as they grow up - they will anyway! All the best, Shell x
-3
I think most divorced dads' mentality is this: so the children are with their mum now and their mum wouldn't say a good word about me. So my children wouldn't be thankful to me anyway, no matter how much I pay to support them. So I would rather not pay.
Whoever gets the children also gets to tell the children his/her side of the story, but this does come at a price.
25/06/13 Dan
Whoever gets the children also gets to tell the children his/her side of the story, but this does come at a price.
-10
my views is scrap csa, its unfair wrecks peoples lifes. Every family that breaks up has the right to have a life. I left an abusive relationship so my ex decides to steal my children emotionally destroy my relationship with them, and then go to the csa i only earn 700 pound a month and the want to take 200 of that for him because he took my kids what a reward eh when he even wont let me see my kids. Ihope and pray for a good judge on the day of court.So now i cant afford my bills and to live.Csa are bullies and making people on the verge of committing suicide SCRAP CSA AND MAKE THE MOTHERS GO TO WORK FOR THEIR MISTAKES FOR HAVING KIDS SO THEIR SUPPORTING THEMSELVES. When i get my kids back from their animal of a father i will be supporting my children by going to work myself and its their fathers loss. Csa shouldnt be making fathers payup if their disolowed to see their kids.
06/02/13 caz
-12
I can completely understand your situation - almost identical to mine.
Before all of the "holier than though" brigade start I didnt plan to have kids and get divorced, I didnt marry someone knowing he was a waster - that came after many years! I am not claiming any benefits (yes I get child benefit - as does everyone with children), my mortgage is paid by errr....me! Yes I support me and my kids with no help off the state!! Wow - so all you people who wish to join in the debate about single mothers who are spongers - please keep your neb out of this one!
My ex husband decided last December (2010) that he "couldnt do it anymore" (work that is) and packed it in. Since then he was supposed to pay £5/week out of his benefits towards his children. Needless to say the CSA are incapable of collecting money from a partner agency and I have had about £40 in total since 9th December 2010.
He is working on the side, smoked 20 cigarettes a day, drinks regularly....and says he "cant afford" to contribute to his kids essentials - school shoes, trips, uniforms etc.
He sees them every other weekend (one night only - he "cant afford" to have them any more than that despite me sending their food with them) and no other time on the week. So much for paternal input......2 nights a month......
It makes me so angry that there is nothing I can do, he does not see them (much) or support them. There are plenty of great dads out there who want to see their kids more....then there are losers like my ex husband whose kids are an inconvenience to him and a drain on his beer and cigs money.
Shame on all you absent fathers. Wake up before it is too late. Your kids need you to support them emotionally and financially.
24/09/11 Ecky
Before all of the "holier than though" brigade start I didnt plan to have kids and get divorced, I didnt marry someone knowing he was a waster - that came after many years! I am not claiming any benefits (yes I get child benefit - as does everyone with children), my mortgage is paid by errr....me! Yes I support me and my kids with no help off the state!! Wow - so all you people who wish to join in the debate about single mothers who are spongers - please keep your neb out of this one!
My ex husband decided last December (2010) that he "couldnt do it anymore" (work that is) and packed it in. Since then he was supposed to pay £5/week out of his benefits towards his children. Needless to say the CSA are incapable of collecting money from a partner agency and I have had about £40 in total since 9th December 2010.
He is working on the side, smoked 20 cigarettes a day, drinks regularly....and says he "cant afford" to contribute to his kids essentials - school shoes, trips, uniforms etc.
He sees them every other weekend (one night only - he "cant afford" to have them any more than that despite me sending their food with them) and no other time on the week. So much for paternal input......2 nights a month......
It makes me so angry that there is nothing I can do, he does not see them (much) or support them. There are plenty of great dads out there who want to see their kids more....then there are losers like my ex husband whose kids are an inconvenience to him and a drain on his beer and cigs money.
Shame on all you absent fathers. Wake up before it is too late. Your kids need you to support them emotionally and financially.
-6
Why do you need your ex anyway? You've got Mr and Ms TaxPayer paying for your child benefit, housing benefit, council tax benefit, free child prescriptions, SureStart (whatever that is!). The problem is the Welfare system that allows your ex-partner (husband?) to simply leave his family behind knowing that the State courtesy of us hard-working taxpayers will pick-up the bill. As for advice, well, you could make a living by having even more kids - 7 or 8 maybe, possibly more - thereby raking in even more benefits and effectively putting yourself out of the job market for most of your 'working' life. Don't get me wrong, I do have sympathy for your situation and your ex clearly is a scumbag to ignore his children so much. My anger is not targeted at you, but rather at the Welfare State that allows such situations to develop so easily. It's time that the government got to grips properly with this - end child benefit after the second child and ensure that the system makes parents jointly responsible for the decision to have children and for their upkeep. Having children should be a huge, carefully considered decision in the context of accepting that it will irrevocably change the lives of the parents. Unfortunately, the likes of your ex can take a decision too lightly, and then simply walk away when he gets fed-up. It's disgusting!
11/08/11 miserablemoaninggit
-2
One day your children will find out what a selfish person your ex is but maybe that knowledge shouldn't come from you.
My parents divorced following his affair and abandonment when I was 2 and my Mum never said a bad word about my father or infact ever spoke about him. He basically went awol and we (myself, two sisters and a brother) never saw him, the only news we got was that he had died last year.
I am 42 now, we never had so much as a christmas/birthday card from him, no contact whatsoever. I worked out for myself that he was a waste of space and meant nothing to me.
I think the CSA in theory is a good thing, hopefully it gets dead beat dad's like mine to cough up and support the children they bought into the world.
I think it's disgusting that your ex doesn't support his children either financially or emotionally but I don't think this will ever change.
Good for you for ringing the benefit fraud hotline I hope they catch him out, obviously you must never tell him that it was you that rang the tip line, it won't make any difference to you financially as he's not paying anything now but maybe just maybe he'll think about getting a 'proper' job and then the CSA can hopefully get some cash out of him.
My advice would be to acknowledge that he's a deadbeat dad and to expect absolutely nothing from him then if he does want to see the kids or he does give you some cash its a bonus.
I know it's hard bringing two kids up on your own, but you can do it - you have been doing it ever since he left.
I wish you luck x
03/08/11 bloo
My parents divorced following his affair and abandonment when I was 2 and my Mum never said a bad word about my father or infact ever spoke about him. He basically went awol and we (myself, two sisters and a brother) never saw him, the only news we got was that he had died last year.
I am 42 now, we never had so much as a christmas/birthday card from him, no contact whatsoever. I worked out for myself that he was a waste of space and meant nothing to me.
I think the CSA in theory is a good thing, hopefully it gets dead beat dad's like mine to cough up and support the children they bought into the world.
I think it's disgusting that your ex doesn't support his children either financially or emotionally but I don't think this will ever change.
Good for you for ringing the benefit fraud hotline I hope they catch him out, obviously you must never tell him that it was you that rang the tip line, it won't make any difference to you financially as he's not paying anything now but maybe just maybe he'll think about getting a 'proper' job and then the CSA can hopefully get some cash out of him.
My advice would be to acknowledge that he's a deadbeat dad and to expect absolutely nothing from him then if he does want to see the kids or he does give you some cash its a bonus.
I know it's hard bringing two kids up on your own, but you can do it - you have been doing it ever since he left.
I wish you luck x
-11
Having been on the other side of the fence, that being, yes I am a male! Shock horror gasp! Should I mention the time I lost my job in October, continued to pay maintenance until I could no longer afford to, explained I was out of work and that I would have to cut payments and guess what, she exploded at me! and I still saw my children although it involved a 100 mile round trip I could ill afford.I try my best but sometimes it just does not work out. My current partner never got a penny maintenance from her ex.
So in my opinion it is each to their own. You have my sympathy, but it works both ways, for every story like yours, there are stories the other way round.
03/08/11 PG
So in my opinion it is each to their own. You have my sympathy, but it works both ways, for every story like yours, there are stories the other way round.
7
IMO in the short term try and create a working dialogue with your ex partner and write him a letter about how you feel, and how his actions now may have consequences in the future. IMO and in the long term try and look at your own actions and intentions, for you and your children. You say that your child is 9 months old, you had no inkling after child number 1 that this chap was capable of this type of action if not towards you his own kids?
03/08/11 Funkg
-6
Not really, to be honest, not least because I have never experienced this type of problem.
But if your partner is genuinely out of work, receiving benefits, which is barely enough to keep body and soul together, it's hardly likely he can afford to hand over some of this money for supporting the kids. That's a practical problem, not an emotional one that should tie you in knots of anger.
But if he is dodging work he is genuinely offered that could pay enough to support your kids, or he is doing odd jobs - cash in hand - as you claim he is, whilst claiming benefits too then he is clearly being malicious, not to mention defrauding the taxpayer of monies owed to the state, which is a criminal offence.
Does he own any superfluous assets of any significant re-sale value? If so, perhaps they could be brought into the CSA equation and sold off to help to maintain your kids! if he owns a big house, for example, or expensive car and he is pleading poverty then something is wrong here if he is only chucking a few quid at you every blue moon.
Not sure what else to suggest but monitor the situation and alert someone to put some surveillance on him to see if he is really as 'unemployed' as he claims he is.
02/08/11 Grumpy xx
But if your partner is genuinely out of work, receiving benefits, which is barely enough to keep body and soul together, it's hardly likely he can afford to hand over some of this money for supporting the kids. That's a practical problem, not an emotional one that should tie you in knots of anger.
But if he is dodging work he is genuinely offered that could pay enough to support your kids, or he is doing odd jobs - cash in hand - as you claim he is, whilst claiming benefits too then he is clearly being malicious, not to mention defrauding the taxpayer of monies owed to the state, which is a criminal offence.
Does he own any superfluous assets of any significant re-sale value? If so, perhaps they could be brought into the CSA equation and sold off to help to maintain your kids! if he owns a big house, for example, or expensive car and he is pleading poverty then something is wrong here if he is only chucking a few quid at you every blue moon.
Not sure what else to suggest but monitor the situation and alert someone to put some surveillance on him to see if he is really as 'unemployed' as he claims he is.
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Kamys01