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Fathers, contact with children and the CSA

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I received a call from CSA today saying my partner had asked them to contact me for child support payments.  Now as a father I have no problem paying for my children but the situation I find myself in is the reason for this gripe.  Sorry it's a bit long but hopefully you will understand why I am so angry about this.

On the 2nd April I found out my partner of 10 years had been having an affair with a guy from her work.  I asked her if I had any chance of fixing our relationship, to which she replied she didn't think so.  So for the next week I sat around at home in a deep depression listening to her talk with him on the phone, after another 4 days he stopped calling.  She became upset and I told her to go find him and find out what was going on because if he didn't want to be with her would she give me another chance.  She went and met him and he told her he wasn't sure if he loved her and thought he was having a nervous breakdown.  She came home very distressed and I supported her through this for a week.  I then asked her if we could try again and she said we could.

For the next two weeks I took over the finances, bought her things on a credit card and promised to get her out of the debt she was in.  On the 2nd of May she was involved in a car crash and spent the day in hospital.  On her return home I nursed her for a week.  I then found out she had been in touch with him again and had been sending him pictures I had taken of her.  I was devastated and said that if she contacted him any more I would leave.  She told me she had called him and said not to text call or speak with her again then she said to me "I am sorry I don't want to hurt you any more and I want to be with you."  I believed her and we carried on trying to rebuild our relationship agreeing that once a week we could have an evening when we would be intimate together.

Relationship breakup Then I found a message on Facebook from his best friend saying "nice pics, speaking of pictures there has been a misunderstanding call him".  This was in respect of a picture she had seen of him with another blonde girl.  I questioned her about this and said "If you are not in contact with him, why would there be a misunderstanding?".  She said I was being paranoid and although I didn't really believe her, I carried on trying.

The 18th of July arrived, a day I will never forget for many reasons.  I had set up the students breakfasts and sent a text to her asking her to put the milk on the table when she got in at 2.00am from her work.  I received a call from her saying she couldn't come home at 2.00am as one of her work colleagues friends favourite uncle had died and she had to stay on.  I became suspicious and wondered if she was lying and was actually with him.  I called her work and it was engaged, I waited 10 minutes and called again to find it still engaged.  My suspicions heightened.  I called his mobile and it was engaged.  Both phones were engaged for 40 minutes.  Eventually I got through to her work.  I hung up and called his phone again and told him to "Just leave her alone."  I called her again and asked her "Why are you talking with him again?", to which she just said "I guess because I still love him."  I asked if we were done and she just said "Yes."

Anger... I stupidly went to his house and took it out on his car...

Out of anger I stupidly went to his house and took it out on his car.  I know that this was a silly thing to do and I was duly arrested and spent the night in a cell.  when I came out the next day I was up for 3 charges, one for criminal damage and two other more serious charges.  She had alleged that during the last night we were intimate together that I had said "If you don't sleep with me I won't pay the mortgage..."  The later of course was all just her word and completely untrue, no evidence at all for any of it.  I have never done anything wrong in my life, never been in a police station and no way would harm anyone.  I paid the mortgage solely for 10 years and transferred all spare cash to a joint account and for the last 3 months to her account.  I looked after our two children ages 3 and 9 five days a week, cramming all my 37 hours into Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning, while she went out to work to fund her spending.

When I was released on bail I couldn't return to my house as she was a witness for him and also due to the charges against me from her.  She moved him into my house the night it all happened and he has been there ever since.  On the 19th of July I received a summons to court for a non molestation and occupancy order for the house for her, and a non harassment order against him.  After talking with my solicitor it seems these orders would be put into place no matter what and on the 20th of August the most serious charge was naturally dropped due to a complete lack of evidence.

She is refusing to let me to see the children

So why do I have a gripe with the CSA?  Consider this.  She is living at my home with her new boyfriend who earns £30,000 a year and she has earned the equivalent of £44,000 (£22,000 normal salary) a year for the last 5 years due to me looking after the children and her being able to work a lot of overtime.  Also on top of this they have the students living there probably bringing in another £300 a month.  I never wanted to leave her and if I could have still been there I would have been.  She is refusing to let me to see the children and now wants me to pay her £280 a month through the CSA when I have a monthly wage of £1,350 and outgoings of £1,110 due to having to rent a place and pay off the £5,000 credit card bill I ran up trying to keep her!  This is without the £280 child support and the £220 an hour for the solicitor I have to pay to get access to my children.

How can the CSA do this when it wasn't my choice to leave and I want to see my children desperately?  I feel that the CSA needs to look at each case individually.  They should look into whether it was the fathers chose to leave the kids and whether or not they want to see them because some mothers out there are spiteful and just deny access to the kids for no valid reason.

By: David


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scamspotter

scamspotter

Please all be wary all of "marians" unsolicited advice to contact the E address given. It is almost certainly a scam.
scamspotter
2nd Aug 13 23:15

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Steve

Steve

This country is a disgrace. CSA enables women to run off with another man, and not let the fathers see their kids but still demand money from them, even if they are already financially very stable. People say "Maintainance and access are not related" - really ? How is that so ? Maybe a small % of men get a woman pregnant and then dont want anything to do with them and fine, punish them by all means. But a father who adores his kids and would do anything for them but has no legal rights it would seem to see his own children and spends tens of thousands of pounds just trying to see them whilst the mother is on holiday in Disney Land having her legal fee's paid for by legal aid and breaks EVERY single court order but gets away with it, because, the judge sides with the woman in 99% of cases. If the CSA were NOT involved, i would be in a position to have some bargaining power to see my kids but as she gets my money anyway, she has no desire to upset the apple cart and has it all. Write to your MP you say ? I wrote to them and even the PM, got the usual blanket response letter back.

Women that do this are criminals and sorry to say this, but CHILD ABUSERS. They poisen their childrens minds and force them to grow up without a loving father. Thats abuse. Is there any wonder dads are now leaving the country for good to get away from this criminal situation ? The law doesnt even prevent the mother from moving around the country. Sure, England and Wales only - but cornwal and newcastle are a long way and when you travel that far and they dont even show up and the judge just says "tut tut" .... whats the point in a legal system if the mother gets away with breaking the law. Oh, and i tried to get a penal statement attatched, but they laughed and said "They'd never arrest a mother unless the childs in physical harm". What about mental harm ?
Steve
25th Oct 12 13:13

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RJ

RJ

Dave. Im not sure how old this posting is but I hope it's sorting it's self out.
I'm with you 100% mate the Csa are crap. I believe that you and every other parent should pay there way but what I don't agree with that if for eg you pay £300 pm that goes to mum. Them mum buys food for the whole house take every one to KFC . Or goes on day trips ect ect. There should be a way where the children get the money ie you pay for the clothes or somthing .
Also I don't agree with how much they take from the dad. And even if mum won't the lotto and became a millionar over night she would still screw the dad for that money. Or if she early twice as much as u and is with someone who is also earning 3-3 times as much as you, you still have to pay the same rate. But ur life style gose down the pan.
I can see both side as I have children and she has moved out of the aria so that I can not see my children but she has filled there heads with shit. Made all sorts up about me to every one. Reported me to the police why becouse I've seen her in the town by chance and she felt threatened , ya hard to believe that but it's so true. I want to see my children but can't . In court she lies and who dose a judge believe? The lieing cow of a mother. The law is crap.
On the other hand I have re married and have a step daugIhter who lives with us who I love like my own. We have been married 3 yrs now , my step daughters farther believe he should not have to pay anything! He say he can't afford it. Yes money is tight as it is for everyone. But he can afford to go to the V festival buy him self all the latest blurays and lots more. But he can't afford to pay for his daughter. From 2007 up untill 2011 he payed jack poop he had worried the mother that much becouse she new what he would be like if he had to pay out. So for some time I kept his daughter , which I don't mind helping but did my head in becouse I new he was living it up.
Then in 2011 out of the blue the Csa contacted my wife. She rang them up and they told her they would get money off of him via work. Great I thought. Now tho all we hear is mine mine mine. He brings it up in front of his daughter and we have to keep telling him not to. And he still thinks he shouldn't have to pay. He only pay £140 a mth I think he said it works out at £6 a day? He has her one a week n then every other amend, what dose he do with her naff all, she sits in her room on Facebook. Or just watching DVDs . Go out with the girl , go for a milk shake, I would live to c my kids n spend time with them.
He can not c how lucky he is! He is a selfish man .
So in this case the Csa are doing what's right for once. But I no there are dads like your self and my self who need help. But guess what? There is no help for us. And as for fathers for justice . How crap are they. They are just making money off of dads in a bad situation . I pray for all the dads. Take care Dave.
RJ
4th Jul 12 04:19

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shab

shab

Can u not get yr ex to sell the house? If she refuses get a court order or talk to yr mortgage company and see what they suggest. Men get a raw deal often, the absent fathers deserve all they get but the decent ones that just wanna see their kids and get stopped and screwed finically always lose out
shab
22nd Sep 11 21:25

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simon

simon

Money is evil and no man, woman, resident parent or non resident parent should have to go through the hardship that child support is supposed to sort out. Nothng is fair especially for non resident parents who's contact has been stopped through evil parental alienation. Too many people benefit from stopping contact while the otso her parent struggles to afford to even eat just to stay in contact with there children. The thing I have real gripe about is all the people that are making money from this misery. HOPE YOU CAN ALL SLEEP AT NIGHT! Is this really in the best intrest of child. My advice is only this stay child focused at ALL TIMES!
simon
25th Mar 11 20:55

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Dumbblonde

Dumbblonde

All you seem to be concerned with is money not the children and get a cheaper lawyer and it isnt the fault of your ex that you have debts is it she told you she didnt want you anymore. His wages dont come into it for doing a review, marriages/ relationships break down all the time. Send a letter from your lawyers stating your wish to see the children then leave it. Also any presents, letters send recorded delivery. Keep the proof of these so she cant say you didnt care.

Also here you where violent towards her lovers fair enough it was the car cos she was with him well I can understand that but what of the kids here do they want to see that kind of violence from their father no they dont so man up and do that letter laying it all out and see what happens. Give it a month and write again. then say you are raising an action against her. She may feel that you might be violent towards the children have you thought of that.

You also sound very very bitter. Now you need to readdress that first.

THEREADERWITHCSA what you are saying is crap cos your income is NOT included with your husbands/partners, include your child in the review. He must be on a very high income to be paying £700 per month or have a lot of kids to her. Oh and maintenance and access are two different things. She wouldnt loose any money unless he took the kids over night then they look at it again. abliet very slowly. If you feel hard done by go to your MP in your area and ask for help or stop making the payments and ask in fact demand a review now.
Dumbblonde
21st Feb 11 13:24

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threaderswithcsa

threaderswithcsa

I have been and on both sides of the csa and you could say it really does need getting rid of ,long story short ,i am female have put a claim against childrens father, I am still awaiting for payments , my children are now 23 and 21 , not once did I stop them seeing their father , even payed his petrol so he could see them , but alas I still await invain for a payment. flip side my now new partner whom we have a child, new hubby has children from a previous marriage, pays every month with out fail £700.00 pounds a month and csa want to increase this as I like to contribute to the house hold, (its a case of what I have been use to bringing up 2 children on my own)his ex will not let him see the children in case her payments go down , she of course is remarried and lives a very comfortable life , and does not have to go to work, We are living hand to mouth due to the extreme calculations csa have come up with . We are currently fighting the csa as we are left with 400.00 per month to feed and clothe myself, hubby and child, our case has been like this for 2 years now with no light at the end of the tunnel ,, My hubby and I have worked out that we would be better off if we separated , so top and bottom of it is CSA seem to have a habit of mucking things up constantly , so for years now CSA have put my children in poverty < and theres me thinking they are taking children out of poverty.if I dont get any joy from csa in the next month my next letter will be to the PM, as I have already tried my local MP, to no avail, nobody wants to get invovled with csa as when they write something inthere leaflets there is always a clause that counteracts it , so all those out there that are thinking of going through csa my advice would be for either party Dont do it try and come to an agreement between yourselves, because either one pwc/nrp may not get what they expect xx
threaderswithcsa
18th Feb 11 00:21

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kellybrowner@hotmail.co.uk

kellybrowner@hotmail.co.uk

me and my husband are in the same sort of situation.we have his children every weekend.my husband is not working at the moment and is on the dole which they take 10 a week from for the children. His ex partner works 3 hours a day 6 til 9 and now says we can not have the kids anymore because she now works and wants to spend the weekends with the boys. We told her this isn't fair but her reply was "i have to work to provide for the children because you don't!" me,as his wife pays for everything our side.bills,my son ect..... I have bought her children 90% of the clothes they wear.all toys at our house and pay for food/outings nappies for when they are at our house.The only reason she has gone back to work (cleaning for her mums company) is because she is now pregnant! She complains that she cannot afford the children and wants a better life for them but has another child on the way.Before my husband lost his job,he payed csa,which was alot considering she only needs money for food 4/5 days a week as everything else,my husband bought! You are right and all cases need to be looked at individually! it's not fair that the mother gets full responsibility. a specially if it was them who broke up the family!
kellybrowner@hotmail.co.uk
1st Feb 11 14:53

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9
The truth

The truth

All all parents should be allowed to see their children - fathers & mothers ....it's the correct thing to do :)
The truth
30th Dec 10 22:41

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10
The truth

The truth

Mate , the CSA- cafcass all a bunch of idiots . I've heard loads of stories about them . Cafcass employs ex prison officers ! What a joke .....
And the CSA well another bunch of wasters , get rid that's what I say !!!!
The truth
30th Dec 10 22:39

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ASR1

ASR1

David, I hear you!!!! My ex left me for another leaving me to shoulder 20k worth of debts (they are in joint names but I cannot leave them be, or my credit get's messed up). On top of this I have to pay nearly 500 a month in CSA monies while she sits at home not working (all of the children are in full time education and have been for many years), claiming tax credits through her fiancee', who earns more than I do!!!! I am out of pocket by over £200 a month with the debts mounting and CSA tell me tough luck. I am in the process of seeking a meeting with my MP, which is necessary because, even though the CSA know that I cannot afford the payments, they have turned their back on me...it's a joke!
ASR1
12th Dec 10 07:43

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Lola

Lola

At the end of the day everyones different. There's lots of arsholes out the both being male or female. One side you have the bloke who couldn't give a crap about his kids and don't pay up and then there's the dads who adores his kids but the mum refuses access etc. My ex changes jobs every few months to avoid it, but I will persist with it even tho he don't see them, and yes I do stop him.(but I did tell him to go to court which hasn't happened) Why, because he abused the kids that's y I left him and I do not trust him with them, he has lost his right in my eyes. Why should he go around making babies and not pay for them. Remember I have to feed them clothe them keep them warm happy and a roof over their heads which is not cheap. I could live in a 1 bed flat not a 3 bed flat which would be loads cheaper
Lola
7th Dec 10 13:50

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anon~

anon~

please do not 'speak' to me like that - I have been completely honest and not aggressive in my posts - unlike you

I have kids 2 in fact but my son has little interest in seeing his father. He feels abandoned (he has been) and as a teenager is affected in a negative way by the way he has been treated by his father. It is sad but it is his fathers loss - my son is a great lad and I am very proud of him.

My daughter is 7 and is upset as she cant understand what is happening

I an unsure if you will understand this (probably not as you have a blinkered view it seems) and I do not need to prove my credibility to you or anyone else on here

As I have said if you can assist in getting my ex to see his daughter (and his son but that will probably be harder) then feel free
anon~
30th Nov 10 22:04

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anon~

anon~

anon-anon-anon if you would like to assist me with getting my ex to see his kids feel free

I receive nothing from my ex for his kids. I work full time and claim nothing off the state.

I know there are plenty of 'bad' mothers but there are also plenty of 'bad' fathers as well.

It is not always as simple as you think it is.

There is nothing legally that I can do to make him see his kids. On the flip side of that there is plenty he can do legally to get to see his kids. I want him to see them, no court required, simple as a text or call to arrange but unfortunately that is beyond him
anon~
30th Nov 10 21:36

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anonymous

anonymous

anon~

It seems to me that is Gainsborough Lad calling himself anon-anon-anon and going on about "meal tickets" as he usually does. Who ever it is has just proved my point though, you are hoping that the father will take some interest in his child and this guy just wants to a bit of woman bashing.

I thought Fathers for Justice had a big thing about children needing two parents anon-anon-anon. Isn't that what it is all about? Or do you only want that when the father wants it and if it is the mother who wants the father to see his child then she must have ulterior motives rather than her child's best interests in mind.

This site is being poisoned by men who hate women.
anonymous
30th Nov 10 20:49

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