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Buying a flat in London is like entering a 90s inspired fantasy board-game, also known as JUMANJI.
From the moment you speak to your first estate agent, mortgage broker, seller, insurer, lawyer you name it, you're in the jungle now and as the most inexperienced new entrant guess what's on the menu? You are, you and your life savings at least.
I'm 26 years old and through sheer determination grit and hard work over the past few years I am now the Sales Director of a software company, by no means am I an unsuccessful individual, In a single month I sign multiple deals that land me the sort of commission that would cause most people to salivate and curse their sad little lives. With that out of the way I'm still by no means part of the global super rich to whom the London property market is clearly oriented.
Near my office in Westminster, flats are on sale for 1.4 million each, scratch that I'll go farther out, Zone 2 - scratch that I'll go farther out, Zone 3, scratch that I'll go farther out Zone 4 - at last somewhere one can find a decent flat for 250k. I'll endure a lovely scenic underground commute so that some global elite Chinese tosser can live next to the office.
Don't get me started on the tourists I encounter every morning as I'm trying to get to work - get the fuck out of my way you nincompoops. I have a job to do you leisurely f***s!
Now over the past few years I've scrimped and put together a 40-50k deposit, but everybody is out to take it from me, including my landlord who keeps raising the rent every year like it's some sort of twisted game.
Most of the flats I visit are in a worse state than gypsy caravans yet cost 200k+. I found a good one in Woolwich once but the seller's mother-in-law died and he inherited a fortune which made him decide not to sell anymore during my conveyancing process. Oh shit!
Of course the government is happy to give you a 5 year interest free - head in the sand loan if you want to buy an overpriced new build instead, the temptation is always there but then I tell myself that a 500k mortgage for a 2 bedroom cubbyhole is a complete joke - oh look it has a new boiler how lovely!!
So to make matters even better I'm now being thrown out of this flatshare because my Bartender & Primark staff housemates are jealous of my success and don't like it when Asian people succeed in the world.
F * * K T H I S
By: Asian Sales Director
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Pete