The Weekly Gripe

Ex-wife won't let me see my daughter

Ok, this is not quite to do with the CSA but they get a mention.  My ex-wife and I had our lovely daughter in June £2000.  I loved my ex-wife to pieces, but soon after we were married things began to change.  As a couple we didn't last and she ended up having an affair then going off with another woman!

I was kicked out of the house, made homeless and I ended up sleeping in my car for quite a while.  During this time she filed a CSA claim and I was of course hit by the maximum level of payment as I didn't have a fixed address and no household bills to pay as such.

Whilst all this was going through I had no regular access to my daughter and it took me almost eighteen months to get a proper arrangement in place so that I could see her.  So basically I was paying nearly £300 a month for a child that I wasn't allowed to see, even though I dearly wanted to spend time with her.

I now at least quite often get to see my daughter at weekends and she sometimes comes to stay at my house.  The ex-wife is at university now and I will often pick up our daughter on a Friday after school and take her home either on Sunday evening or Ill drop her off at school on the Monday morning.

Due to the nature of my job however, very occasionally this arrangement needs to change and I sometimes can't see my daughter at the weekend.

Wedding rings - my ex-wife won't play fair Also, sometimes my ex-wife takes her away for the weekend to her girlfriend's house in London, or to a party or whatever and I cant see my daughter then either.  Fair enough though, because I think there needs to be some degree of flexibility in these matters.

The problem is that when I say I can't have our daughter, the ex-wife throws a right tantrum and tells me that she's my daughter and I need to put her first.  Yet when the shoe is on the other foot and she needs to take her away it's a completely different story.  If I could have my daughter full time I would, but this of course could never happen as the law is biased towards the mother!

Heres another example of her selfish attitude.  This year the schools closed for Christmas on the Tuesday, so I asked if I could have our daughter from the Wednesday through to Christmas day; that way I could spend some quality time with her.  Usually I pick her up on Christmas Eve and then have to get her back to her mother by lunch time on Christmas day.  I thought it would be nice if I could spend the day with her properly for once.

The ex-wife turns around to me and says She's my daughter too, and I would like to spend some time with her as well you know!

I couldn't believe it.  She has her practically every day, picks her up from school and looks after her more than I do during the week and she wants more time with her!  Yet as soon as I need a weekend off to do something important, I get a lecture that I never want to spend any time with my daughter.  Apparently she is lumbered with her all the time and would like some time off once in a while!

So come on ex-wives, ex-girlfriends.  Give us a break, if we pay our way then let us have our say!

By: Stuartkeith

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So you are all poor little victims. All women are crazy. Question: Is that all these women were so crazy when you slept with them?
Those women you are all talking about are mothers and as mothers they are more than likely doing what they feel is right for their children. It is in fact their duty and what makes them mothers. Obviously mothers are just not "stopping" you to see the children just for the sake of it but for legitimate reasons of which (of course) none of you are mentioning. Too easy to expose only one side (yours) of your stories and blame women. Few of you talk about DNA tests as the ultimate solution to your problems… Let me tell you that if those mothers don't let you see their children as you are saying then why would you not believe them when they say that you are the father of their children? If they wanted to evict you from their children's life don't you think they would be more than happy to go along with a DNA test to finally have you pathetic men off their back? Or do you consider yourself so great that those mothers would do anything to pretend that you're fathers of their children?
Finally if you all hate women so much why don't you all stay with your own kind and be happily gay ever after?
7th Oct 13 02:10




i m sorry for putting this message here like this. I am just here to share my experience and to help who might want this kind of help. I have been scammed by fake casters that promised me results and get my money trying all my means to save my marriage. i was so despirate to keep my family as my husband wants a divorce. i decided to go spiritual as all i tried was not working. i seek spiritual helps to get things right but all i talked with never did anything for me. I was taken advantage of and i lost all my saving on that. i talked talked to a friend that was able to make me meet the help i searched for. when he said he will help, i never believed but im more than greatful now for giving him my last shot. You can get this great one on never let it go too. its a good trial if you want to use him and he is the best to work with. my vote all to him.
Thank you for sending my order so quickly. Everything arrived in strong. Thanks also for the advice you told me on the phone about how to avoid getting cheated by fake psychics. That saved me from making a very expensive mistake. You are doing good work. God bless you.
17th Aug 12 07:08




I pay child maintenece for my son unfortunatly recently I have lost my job so therefore unable to pay maintenace at the minute. My son has come down today for a week and we are also taking him away to Blackpool for a few days, the issue is that the mother has now not sent any clothes for the week knowing full well that I have no money to buy him some new clothes for the week so effectivly he has no clothes for the week or weekend away. He normally only comes down for a weekend at a time and I always have bought clothes for these times. We are going through a court case at the moment, is there any body that I can contact for advice on this situation.
30th Jul 12 10:07




Hello JustMe,

So sorry I've been unable to answer your post until now - health problems slow me down terribly.

I've just re-read your original post and also your latest post and the one thing which seems to be a common factor is your ex's way of lying/twisting the truth. You need to protect yourself from attack from not only her but from anyone/any agency who is likely to exclusively side with her. It appears you are doing all the right things, but have no doubt that no matter how 'good' you are being, she WILL find something to complain about and will be able to blow it up into something to use against you. The bib issue is typical. She's right, of course, a baby shouldn't have its bib left on when its put down to sleep - so pretend she's always looking over your shoulder when you are doing something and think of what she'd complain about. It's terrible that people can be like this, but sadly this is quite common.

Firstly, take NOTHING 'as read'. You have to become a real pain-in-the-arse jobsworth. For example, if money is handed over to her for your baby, make sure she signs a receipt in a proper receipt book with a duplicate page. Make sure every detail of what the money is for is shown on the receipt and that the words cannot be ambiguously translated. This is very important. The date and day must be recorded and the time the receipt is signed must also be noted. Give her the original tear-out copy and keep the carbon in the book for yourself.

Each visit chould be recorded in a diary that you keep and it would be excellent if, as you arrive, you can switch on a tape recorder (show her you are doing this - it may make her more careful about what she says) and record the conversations with her and even better, the whole stay with your baby. I would say that a small video recorder would be even better. If she doesn't like it, too bad. She'll say something like 'you are being pathetic'. Simply agree. It IS pathetic, but tell her that the way things are between you means you have to protect yourself (and, actually, her as well) by covering every single corner.

Try beyond what would be your normal breaking point to maintain a cool attitude at all times. Think Roger Moore as James Bond in a tricky situation. It may sometimes be very hard not to explode if she is provocative, but keep thinking of a court case and how you'd be derided and lose all contact with your baby if your ex said you were verbally abusive or violent in any way. Remember that he said/she said means nothing unless there is a retrievable record for a court's reference.

Try not to get lawyers involved. This really does signal war and can end up bankrupting you, with nothing to show but a tent and a faithful dog after the dust has settled. Remember the word 'merciless' all the time. That's what she can be and what the courts usually show themselves to be.

You know, time often heals and it will be worth recalling why the two of you initially found each other atractive and were sufficiently a couple that you created a brand new human being. Try and slowly suggest to her that the two of you will now be tied together for time eternal due to the child you both created and wouldn't it be great if you could look past the problems you have had and be friendly in your meetings. It is possible, many, many couple have found a way of doing it. It's all about pride - but it really doesn't matter who is right, YOU can replace the need to be right with simple humility and watch as the other person does the same. There's no need to be a doormat, but just be forgiving and understand that she is probaby as worried as you are and is doing what every good mother will always do - protect her baby above all else. Recall her good points, the things you initially loved, downplay the irritations - you are probably just as annoying to her ! Fire with fire = a big bloody fire. Fire with cool water = no fire eventually.

I know this has probably sounded a bit daunting and depressing, but if you don't look after yourself, sure as hell no one else will (unless they are being paid, in which case you'll expect them to do their job effectively). I do hope this has helped a bit and sorry again for the slow response. Very best of luck.

Please keep me posted and if I can be of any help or support, just say.
29th Jul 12 01:07




"eyes-wide-open" yes i have had the test and it has come back positive. Ex is being a pain. Been to mediation, sorted me going to her house on the weekend for a month to get to know the baby and have someone there with us, twice the person that comes with me couldn't stay all day and she never got someone to come like she was supposed to. Only last night she sent me an email saying that I put the baby to sleep and left her bib on her, left her unattended in the living room, and whilst i have been there4 she is accusing me of making advances on her!!! I would just like to add that all of which are complete and utter lies! So yeah any advice would be appreciated.
I know what you are saying dal :)
15th Jul 12 08:07




"just me" so many out here who share stories not unlike yours! you must do is drop it! let her think your happier in your life than she in her's, do not let her get your attention ...
6th Jul 12 07:07




'JustMe', how are you getting on? Has anything been resolved and have you managed to get a DNA test done yet? I may be able to give you some advice once I know the present status quo. Your ex certainly sounds like a venemous woman and you need to protect yourself and your rights as soon as possible.
1st Jul 12 04:07





Can anyone give me some advice on the following?...
My ex told me she was pregnant 2 months after we split, she told me the doctor said she was 16 weeks pregnant, we went to the hospital for the scan and she was just under 7 weeks! We tried getting back together, but we were still arguing and making each other miserable. I had a talk with her and said it was obvious we didn't love each other so we should have some time apart, let things settle and become friends so that when the baby is born there will be a good environment between us and it won't affect the baby.
Whilst we had the time apart I realised that going back from the time the hosptal gave us for how long she had been pregnant, she was in a different country! We split a few days after she got back, a few days after that she had a one night stand and during that month she slept with 2 other people (i know this as we met up a month after we split and she told me as i asked).
I visited my doctor and asked how accurate the hospitals are, he said based on the above there was a chance it may not be mine and advised a dna test once born. I approached my ex and told her, but also made it clear that I would stand by her as a friend and help and support her how i could in the meantime. Which I did, gave her money to pay off a small bill and money to put a deposit down on a house with a garden for the baby, moved her in and settled her in there. She said she would give me some of the money back when her bond on the old flat came through, but when I asked for it she claimed they never gave it to her, I needed it as I am a full-time mature student and we had an argument so I left to stop causing her stress. I went back a few days later and she refused to speak to me and told me to stay away till the baby is born and threatened that if i went near the house she would tell the police I was harassing her. So I did so as family advised me that if she did that it could affect me seeing the baby and that maybe she was hormonal and would think otherwise in a few weeks.
I text her every week to see if she was ok and needed anything, usually to be swore at most of the time, eventually she changed her number. I found out the baby was born so called the hospital and left a message but no reply. I went to her house a week later with some baby stuff and said we needed to talk and she agreed but she was busy. I went back a few days later and she is accusing me of saying stuff I didn't, refusing a dna which she originally said she would do, and telling me I will never know if I am the father or be in the baby's life!
She has even tried telling my mother that I threatened to go in there and take the baby off her!
I've got a solicitor involved, they've written to her and have arranged a date for mediation. I am going as I want to know if i'm the father, spend time with the baby and make sure I am there for her.
I don't know if myself and my ex can saviour what we once had, I'm really not sure, but I want to be there for my daughter if she is mine.
I know alot of you are talking about CSA on here and I totally think that it's messed up that blokes have to give so much when single parents get a lot from the government - the money should go in government savings account for the baby if anything so they know it came fro which ever parent is paying it, but what I would like to know if anyone can help is if there is anything else I can do to make her realise that the baby deserves her father in her life? It's a horrible situation as all i've seen is a picture, I haven't even seen the baby in real life yet. What happened with my ex was what I had to do as If the baby wasn't mine I wouldn't have taken on the responsibility froma few flings she had so close to us splitting up (and all due respect to any guy out there who would have).
Any experience or knowledge anyone can pass on would be appreciated!
Thanks and good luck to anyone out there who has or may have a child and are fighting to find out - hopefully however long it takes your kid will know you didn't give up one day.
22nd Apr 12 11:04



Matthew's Law

Dear all,

David Cameron and George Osborne are currently reading and considering Matthew's Law. This Law protects Fathers and Mothers equally. It enforces Prenuptials as a compulsory measure. This stops the CSA from holding up Fathers to crippling unreasonable and unqualified demands and prevents Solicitors from holding parents to ransom too who wish to divorce. It equally supports Fathers and Mothers where they too are clearly being treated unfairly. Matthew's Law lays down a consequence for any partner who chooses to break the new marriage contract. Marriage is a farcical arrangement where both parties enter into a potential minefield of financial and emotional ruin. The CSA has been set up to protect women only as it shows no regards to who has broken up the family bond. It functions discriminately without flexibility or understanding to Fathers as victims. It's archaic and highly inefficiently run body, and is due to be disbanded under Matthew's Law. It will be replaced by a fairer system, where both parents are treated fairly in the interests of the children and Both parents financially.
The law is currently in a mothers favour. So much so, that the Father has little or no rights. The disintegration of family life has been encouraged by the easy and plentiful access to benefits if you happen to be the Mother. Nobody is disputing that the Mother and Children shouldn't be looked after and neither is the amount they receive in question. However, the divorce rate is 2 out of every 3 and in 80% of all cases now, the Mother has broken the bond to seek greener grass. Thanks to the lucrative option most mothers discover through other divorcees that it's financially attractive to 'go it alone' with other single mothers and 'play the field'. This was a reverse situation in the 50's.
Matthew's Law has been set to bring the imbalance of separation and Divorce entitlements back to 50% in amicable situations. Unfortunately, most divorces are not amicable and the financial rights aren't either. Matthew's Law lays down consequences to re-address the 'Contract of Marriage' and protects all those who venture into its risky future. Thankfully it doesn't interfere with the enjoyment of marriage, but protects both parties, and ultimately and more importantly, the children. It will make a partner think twice about adultery, as the consequence is severe. It stops Solicitors from holding us up to ransom and makes an amicable separation cheap and fast. Soon, you will no longer be able to get married without a prenuptial agreement. So, before you consider marriage, be sure to set up your own prenuptial agreement. You're a fool in this day and age not to before Matthew's Law is released. Write to No. 10 for more information.
10th Oct 11 06:10



Proud dad

Also, as my ex partner is realising. If she still chooses to break that contact order she will be in breach of the order and can face prosecution as per the changes made to all contact orders made after December 2008. I urge you to do it for the sake of your sanity and for the sake of the relationship with your daughter. You can find plenty of sound advice out there. Get a good solicitor and use your free session wisley by familiarising yourself with the family court process, mediation, CAFCASS etc. It`ll pay dividends in the end. Go for it!
28th Feb 11 02:02



Proud dad

Mate, I know how you feel I have been battling the same except I obtained a court order in 2008 to stop these games. She still tries to disrupt things but the door is closing in on her to do this. Thing is maintenance and contact are different issues and are dealt with seperatley. Do yourself a big favour and work out times when you can fit your daughter in and go get a court order wether the ex likes it or not, this way it will take her control away.
28th Feb 11 02:02




my ex wont let me see my son I call her txt her and she always says she busy she say she does not trust me with him thinks ill take him and not come back what can I do
31st Jan 11 11:01



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