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Ex won't pay maintenance for his children

I split up with my ex-partner, the father to my two sons around 3 years ago due to the fact that I was fed up doing everything around the house, whilst he preferred to stay in bed all day and not pull his weight.  During the following months I tried to instigate contact between him and the children who were living with me, and was usually met with refusals as he was too busy enjoying his new found freedom - specifically being able to sleep around, get drunk.

On almost a weekly basis he was verbally abusive towards us all, and constantly refused to pay any maintenance towards his children.  He would lie to the CSA as to what money he was in receipt of and they never investigated to see if he was telling the truth.  At one time he told me to get rid of them both so that he wouldn't have them around his neck!

Last year his family and I arranged access and I said that if he was there while his children was then I was OK with that even though I wasn't really, but his mother was missing her grandsons and I didn't want her to lose out.

Coins - ex not paying any maintenance I work part-time and I'm at university.  I found myself struggling to pay bills one month and I asked him to help me.  I was met with the usual reply of "I don't have any money", even though I knew he was going out every weekend with his new partner and was spending money left right and centre.  He subsequently started to harass me to the point where the Police had to be involved, so I stopped access and told him to take me to court and let them decide if he was a suitable person to be around his children.  The whole ordeal caused me to have a nervous breakdown and I almost lost my job.

I heard nothing from him for months until earlier this year when a solicitor letter arrived requesting access and also for me to agree to him having parental responsibility!  My solicitor advised that I should agree to access as a judge would give it anyway, but to refuse parental responsibility due to his previous behaviour.  His solicitor was apparently quite shocked when mine stated the things he had said about his sons.

So now he sees them a couple of times a month, but still refuses to pay his way.  I can't go through the CSA as he won't tell me where he is living, due to his partner being on benefits and he doesn't want them both to lose them.  I still get the usual "I don't have any money" excuse yet he is getting married soon, has purchased a car and the house where he lives is decked out in the latest entertainment equipment.  All this whilst at our house we won't even be able to watch TV at all soon as ours is on it's last legs and I can't afford to by a new one with a freeview box.  That's just an example of our differences in lifestyle.

The last time he saw the boys he treated them, himself, his partner and her children to a cinema visit followed by lunch, and they came home with a large selection of toys.  Well that was very nice, but if he were to pay some form of maintenance for the kids perhaps I could occasionally treat them too.  I despair over the whole situation.

By: MonkeyFace

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Twinkle Toes.... whether you like it or not, your husband still has a duty to his children, regardless of what his ex-wife may 'bring in' or 'collect'. She has EVERY right to plan for, and develop, her own life through savings, and it is not your job to decide on the quality of HER life! My ex-husband only sees his children 2 days every 2 weeks (because that's what he thinks is acceptable), while I attend Uni, work and parent FULL TIME. At the moment, I have to claim benefits, but have paid into the system for 20+ years without ever claiming!! He is back, living with his parents (approaching 40) working 18hrs a week at his Uncle's pub... and refuses to get any other work as 'he doesn't like it'.... despite his responsibility to the electricity, food, clothing, car payments, extra curricular activities, school outings, etc. that contribute to the well-being of his kids, which all come our of the pockets of my parents and myself. I would hardly look at my life as 'affluent', but am doing a damn site more with a damn site less than he is... and he is FULLY capable of working, but thinks he's 'better than the jobs available'. You knew what you were getting into when you got married your husband, and his children came FIRST - live with it!! It says more about his ex-wife that she takes full responsibility to even qualify for 'his' money and shouldn't have to be broke just to make you feel better!!!

-17

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Great Mum - 31-Oct-12 13:47

I'm sorry but I think e are all forgetting that single mothers rake in a whole host of benefits. You all mention working and your money alone is bringing up your child however you are paid hundreds of pounds a month in tax credits and child benefit which these fathers will not be getting. My husbands ex wife is in reciept of 900 a month in benefits for 2 kids plus wages plus 300 from him even thou the kids live with us 3 nights a week!!!! She ends up taking hoMe more money ( tax free I may add) for working part time than my husband does for working a 44 hour week!! Yet she refuses to buy the kids a decent winter coata and feeds them rubbish!! I also know for a fact that a lot of mothers are not spending a penny of the csa money on their kids !! I know that there are men who run away and of course they should Pay something however the system is skewed towards women a lot of whom are terrible mothers and bitter about there ex moving on!! A note to susan my hsbands ex likes to believe that the kids don't get on with me howere the opposite is true her daughter has asked several times to live with us and lies to her mum to save the constant questioning she gets over us!!! Note to all these women stop crying over money get out there get a job and pay your own way there are many married couples and single peoplle who haven't had kids who would love to get so much free money for nothing!?!

-18

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twinkle toes - 23-Oct-12 13:18

Listen, I've recently became a dad and will always provide for my son whether i'm with my partner or not!!!! Sadly, too many dads are unwilling to part with their money or essential things like gas, electricity, water, food, etc!! The reason this subject is particularly sensitive is my partner had 2 children with her ex when i met her. He pays CSA direct to my wife through their banks. When she first contacted the CSA he was angry, claiming that the kids wouldn't be able to go on holidays anymore. They've since been to Disney world with him and his new partner, so no more holidays was a lie!!

The usual reason they won't pay the CSA is generally because they think the money gets spent on their ex wife and not the kids! YAWN, YAWN!!! We recently went on holiday as a family. When he found out about this he was always telling his kids, " your going on holiday with my money ".

It is a criminal Offence not to pay CSA. The Baliffs will get involved and you could also be sent to prison. The most important bit of information you can have on the unwilling dad is their address If you have this the CSA will take action!!!! Dads seem to think it's free to bring a child up!!!!! SEND EM TO JAIL, TAKE THEIR PASSPORTS, AND TAKE ALL THEIR GOODS TO THE HAMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't deserve to be fathers!

-11

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STEVEN MARTIN - 15-Jun-12 11:15

hi , i am a mum off twin boys age 14yrs there dad has never payed a thing for them and see,s them when suits , so had to involve csa , he has now left his job and gone selfemployed to hide earnings , csa has said they cant do nothing now , any ideas on what to do nxt ? many thanks .

-7

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claire - 30-Mar-12 14:05

Most of you all should know that there will come a time when you can not handle these kids by your selves all you are talking about is money money is the reasons you kept your legs open was it the agenda all along? about the children's well being ? have thought about before you concentrate on temporary solutions instant gratification dosent pay actually CSA Has made the situation worse thanks to labour Gov't fathers are working 24/7 to keep up with the CSA THREATENING CALLS one friend of mine has seen his kids twice in four month he £700 plus arrears he is left with £730 is that protected income stupid moroons from csa with single mother he has now emotionally detached from his kids he now just works for CSA AND HIS EX WIFE WHO SPENDS IT ON BOOZE

-23

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GSM73 - 14-Mar-12 06:48

So the government want to charge the parent with care to use the CSA to collect/administer payments from the non resident parent??

What a joke!

I use the CSA because my ex husband is unwilling to pay for his 2 kids, he is unwilling to pay so has money taken directly. This was a deduction from earnings but as he gave up work (he chose to leave...."i can't do it anymore"!!) it is now a deduction from his benefit(s) - the huge sum of £5 per week (for the 2 kids =£2.50/child/week).

If I have to pay (what has been estimated at £100/year I believe) I will end up getting a total of £10 per year for the kids off him.

It is not my fault he won't pay, I have tried to get this sorted amicably but he is unwilling to pay anything unless he is forced.

How can this be right??

-5

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Pat - 26-Jan-12 17:48

This all sounds so familiar! It's so infuriating when they r living the life of Riley while we are struggling with all the responsibility and the finances. All I can say is it's his loss, being a patent is the most rewarding thing in the world

+18

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H b - 23-May-11 10:21

if my ex patner not workin, ive got 2 children with him, still they need to get child maintenance from their father?

-6

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shulla - 17-Feb-11 12:07

I feel for you!!!!! I can see that you are an intelligent, independent woman trying to build a strong future for your children, probably in order to avoid history to repeat itself. You probably thought that you could make it, and you can, as long as life does not throw illnesses or dramatic situations in your way, and I am not refering to an ex who refuses to pay for your children's maintenance. You probably wanted to prove that you don't need him, and still, despite his lack of effort and cooperation, despite being the anti-role model for your children, you cannot deny him the joy or the right to be a parent. Only, he doesn't want it, he doesn't understand that it is no longer about him or you, it is just about the kids. You might be the one spending the child maintenance in your weekly shopping, and so what????? If it means that your children will have their 5 a day instead of eating chips and pizza every day, then, so be it, it is a contribution towards your children long term well being. Do not spare him!!!!!! Do take pity on your ex and his girlfriend because they are miserable. We took about a man who should big himself up and look for work to be able to put his children FIRST!!!!!! Just like you. Children are not born with instruction. How do some men dare believing that it is any easier for women to raise kids!!!! It is not, but if some of them choose to give up on their responsibility, you need to have no compassion, and get them to help the one way left by hitting them hard where it hurts, and it's not where you think, oh no, but in their wallet!!!! 3 letters for you CSA...
Good luck

-12

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vpblue - 27-Jan-11 20:58

Can someone please give me some advice, my ex has promised that he will help with child maintenance but hasn't, he has however bought her some clothes when he visits which is becoming less and less infrequent. He is extremely self obsessed and a compulsive liar, cheat, the usual and really and unpleasant man, I don't know what I saw in him, however that is a different story. He now has money (he had some money issues but now has a good job) and I have tried to do things reasonably as I have given up on his broken promises but have heard some bad things about the CSA. I now don't know whether I should go to the CSA or forget all about him as I think he will disappear anyway and don't see it as a big loss for my daughter even though I need the help financially, thanks for your advice.

-19

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snowgirl - 23-Dec-10 10:53

I am a single working mother with one child. I was forced to go through the CSA as my ex stopped paying maintenance after he got married. The CSA have been a nightmare, everyone telling me different things. These range from when my ex would be liable to pay from to when I would recieve the payments. I am really fed up with them, all I want is a straight answer. I have had to sell my TV and I am behind with my rent. The payment schedule they send out fail to tell me that my ex's employers have until the 19th of the following month for the payment to reach them then add an additional 5 days after that to reach me. I have just received the first payment and guess what it was short by over £60, when I contacted them they hadn't noticed that it was short. I have had enough if my daughter and I could live without the money then I wouldn't proceed. I was under the impression that the CSA had improved well if this is an improvement I hate to think what they were like before.

-6

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Bella - 3-Dec-10 18:22

Does anybody know whether it is possible to claim maintenance for an 18 year old when the resident parent works away from monday to friday but the 18 year old lives in their house? I thought that maintenance was only paid to the 'carer' of the child, how can this be if the 'carer' is not there?

+21

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Ceejay - 3-Dec-10 15:36

Hi Monkey Face

All I can say is I can certainly sympasthise with your position.... I was in it myself for a long time. However, due to the fact my ex suddenly took something to do with my child a while ago I just gave up with the CSA and no longer try to collect child support. However,, you are correct in your choice to pursue your ex for his responsibilities. it ws just my personal choice not to as it was just not worth it for me.

All I can advise is that the best thing you can do is make the best out of your life. You can get a good education studying at home if you wish and therefore make decent money. This does nothing but annoy the ignorant people who state that it "shouldnt be a mans responsibility to care for his children as its not his choice and he should be able to stick his d*** where he wants and not have any of the responsibility!" They hate seeing single parents get ahead in life and your ex will no longer have the hold over you... :-)

Good Luck MF!! xxx

-8

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Linz - 24-Nov-10 10:44

Dave how dare you make those comments! You obviously didn't read the same as me or maybe you think it's fine for a man to want to get rid of his sons so he doesn't have them "hanging round his neck". It is obviously you who is bitter about your own situation and having a go at someone who is only doing best by her children and she didn't stop access due to his lack of monetry payments. Also she has a job and is going to university to better herself for her childrens future. Plus he didn't make contact for months. Seriously if you want to help yourself stop making ridiculous comments, also you don't want to pay money to your ex so she can sit around, seems to me like you are the one spiting your own child. I'm sorry if your situation is bad and if your ex is genuinely using your child as a weapon but you really ought to read things through properly before being horrible to someone, it really doesn't show you in a good light.

-13

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Mick - 23-Nov-10 18:49

you are a wrongen! u stopped access becauuse he wont give you money? and now your jealous that he is treating the children. you sound extremely bitter that he has moved on and want to punish him via your children. it shouldnt be down to money, it should be down to love. if you are poor get a job and if you cant touch his earnings I am glad. my child's mother had my son without my agreement and has stopped me seeing the baby unless I get back with her. I will not pay her a penny of my hard earned income just for her to sit on her backside and be on the dole then dictate to me when I can and cannot see my child. people like you should just be happy that he wants to see his children because there is alot of women that would pay for their kids to have a dad. as opposed to you who wants him to pay for that privilege!

-25

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dave - 3-Oct-10 18:34

you are a wrongen! u stopped access becauuse he wont give you money? and now your jealous that he is treating the children. you sound extremely bitter that he has moved on and want to punish him via your children. it shouldnt be down to money, it should be down to love. if you are poor get a job and if you cant touch his earnings I am glad. my child's mother had my son without my agreement and has stopped me seeing the baby unless I get back with her. I will not pay her a penny of my hard earned income just for her to sit on her backside and be on the dole then dictate to me when I can and cannot see my child. people like you should just be happy that he wants to see his children because there is alot of women that would pay for their kids to have a dad. as opposed to you who wants him to pay for that privilege!

-11

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dave - 3-Oct-10 17:34

God this all sounds soo familiar. Am in the same boat, I have been to Court because I didnt want my little girl near her father, he doesnt know how to treat her or even speak to her. He was granted access when its convenient to all parties but does not pay any maintenance ! He has parental responsibility but as far as his concerned that just means he can see her when HE wants ... he has told us that he has to support his girlfriend and her 2 children (who call him Dad) and that it is down to me to support our daughter financially. I work hard and have a full time job, I struggle to pay bills, let alone cloth n feed my children and this man is out every week buyin himself or his girlfriend things when some of his money should be going towards his daughter! he left his job when the CSA caught up with him. HOW CAN THESE MEN GET AWAY WITH IT ... he is now threatening to take me back to court because my daughhter doesnt want to see him or speak to him because of the way he is towards me and her brother and the fact that he ignores her when they are together or always has his mother or sisters in tow to help him ... totally pathetic !

-10

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my ex is a laffin stock ! - 2-Oct-10 11:53

In a similar position. The ex is self-employed, taken creative accounting to extraordinary limits - just claiming pay of one day a week, but full time hours, so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance for his children. The CSA can do nothing, as officially all his paperwork matches, so he looks poor. Yet in 6 months he's been on holiday twice, once abroad, bought a new car, computer, mobile phone, blackberry and two digital camera. He claims he's on below minimum wage. I'd love to be this poor.

-3

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Carrie - 22-Sep-10 12:14

trac... nothing you you can do. if he is living off his wifes earning then the csa cannot do anything. If he has done that to get out of paying for his kids then he is a total gobsh*te.

-2

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andyc - 14-Sep-10 17:21

can you help me out on this please my sons father has given up work so he dosen't need to pay Child Maintenance but his wife works instead can I still claim Child Maintenance he also stopped all contact for over a year now

0

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trac - 9-Sep-10 00:26

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