What kind of father does this to his daughter?
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My ex and I got together after I came out of a long term relationship. Within a month or so I was pregnant. The news was a shock but at the time we were both happy. Things were fine at first, then I noticed slight changes in my partner. When I was three months gone I arrived home from work to a letter on my ironing board. Yes, it was a 'Dear John Letter'. He had gone, he had left me and our unborn child. That was nine years ago. My beautiful daughter has never had any word from him. She has never seen him or heard from him. |
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If you see her again you won't see your new grandchild I found hope in the fact that his parents took an interest in her and for the first eight years would travel up from England to Scotland on her birthday and at Christmas time to see her. However just last year I got another letter and another shock. As their son, my daughter's father had had another baby they were given an ultimatum by him. If you see her again you won't see your new grandchild. I haven't explained to my daughter about this as it is bad enough that her own dad wants nothing to do with her. How can I tell her? She has begun to ask questions. |
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I have been in a loving relationship with someone for the last six years and he has been a father figure to my child, but he has three kids of his own and I know this affects my daughter. We see them on a regular basis but I think she finds it difficult to understand why her own father can't be like this. I have never received a penny in child support from him and have been given countless excuses by the CSA. I know he must be registered somewhere if he now has another child. I am at my wits end and have never felt so much disgust for anyone in my life. I'm glad I have my daughter, she is the light of my life and I know he is the one missing out, but she is also. I have told his parents in the past that I would be willing for her to have contact with him as I feel she has the right to know where she comes from. It is so hard when your baby sleeps with the only photo she has of him under her pillow every night wishing he would love her. She now has no contact with any member of his family and she has numerous uncles and cousins, and now either a brother or sister that I fear she will never know. I would love to talk with people in the same situation as me, so please get in touch. Thank you for listening to my rant. |
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Comments from visitors
honestly, we may have been better off NOT seeing "the ex", AT ALL! he visited in and out like a hurricane, paying support only when he may end up in jail, using and drinking, making false promises and lying to our children for his gain, teaching our children about deceit, stealing and all around dishonesty. soooo, perhaps at the young age your daughter is, it may be critical for you to forgive and help her forget. resentments held for, oh lets say 18 or 22 years, can make ones life difficult. if so young why encourage with a photo? is there a payoff for you in that? probably not. so neither for her. martydom is a handle we all have played...although very pricey...think about it
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Hi is a...well, it's inexpressible and defies words! His parents aren't much better, because they are caving in to him. Can you deal with his family members one by one? See who has an interest in seeing her, and the motivation to SUSTAIN the relationship. He's not human, if his reaction to her having had the comfort of his parents' attention is "I must stop this at all costs". If she is his child, he owes her support. You cannot force him to be a decent human being. My advice is just to make a circle for her that has as much support as you can, help her to be as whole and happy as you can, and don't accentuate his family too much. If she continues to gravitate towards missing him so much, you may have to get her counseling support to deal with it. Sorry to give such hackneyed advice, but your options are not immediately apparent beyond them. His parents may come around in time. If they do, warn them that they will have to be steadfast in their commitment to her or you will not permit their presence near your daughter- it's too disruptive. Finally, see a solicitor! Just to explore your options. You don't have to act on them, but it may be useful to know what you can do if you decide to.
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HopeYourSituationImproves - 23-May-11 21:22
You, first of all are not alone, I have to say if the father of your child has no interest, he probably never will, I myself have a seven year old by I mite as well say an alcholic, cared nothing about her, but is living with a lone parent!! that gives him a FREE roof over his head..and I was informed that her son is now his daddy so go f**k off!!!men like that are wimps, cowards and plebs on society..i have alot of heartache, but it will change nothing..i have one great little gal though..be strong!
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My daughter's father last made contact in 1994, when she was one years old. My daughter is now 17.5 years old. Suddenly out of the clear blue, my daughter's father made contact via facebook. His other daughter, who incidently is only 5 months older than my daughter, has been in contact with my daughter.
My daughter's father now wants to see my daughter, but does has not given her his number. He just wants to met her somewhere, he said his through his daughter. My daughter does not want to me him at all, because she said that she has lived for 17 years without him. Secondly, why does he need to speak through his other daughter in order to communicate with my daughter. I believe that he just wants to see my daughter on his terms.
My daughter's father is lower than whale of S**t ! My daughter's father has always been a despicable person, and throughtly selfish. He never contributed financially for her needs. he even denied that he was her biological father. I will not force my daughter to see him if she does not want to.
My daughter's father now wants to see my daughter, but does has not given her his number. He just wants to met her somewhere, he said his through his daughter. My daughter does not want to me him at all, because she said that she has lived for 17 years without him. Secondly, why does he need to speak through his other daughter in order to communicate with my daughter. I believe that he just wants to see my daughter on his terms.
My daughter's father is lower than whale of S**t ! My daughter's father has always been a despicable person, and throughtly selfish. He never contributed financially for her needs. he even denied that he was her biological father. I will not force my daughter to see him if she does not want to.
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Why do men behave like this, I think all men are selfish, my boyfriend left me with a 2week 6 day old baby boy after a traumatic birth and recovering from a C Section. He did not care for me physically or emotionally and left me to suffer and survive on my own with the support of such good friends and fabulous mum and stepdad, I have two gorgeous sons 7 weeks and 7 years and they will respect there partners and this will only make me stronger. My boyfriend walked out on his 2 others sons, one of which was only 5 months old, so I know how you feel from both the child and the adult. Men like this dont deserve children and the children will walk away from them when they are older!
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I`m so sorry, I think I can understand although probably more from your little girls perspective.
There is not much solace I can give you as the situation is so uniquely terrible that your little girl has been alienated by her own family.
My dad was absent and as a result saw very little of his family if at all.
There isnt much you can do to persuade him and to be honest would you want him flitting in and out of her life as he liked? I think you know the answer to that. Perhaps a letter to her grandparents asking them to stay in contact, after all he doesnt need to know, its non of his bussiness, and why shouldnt they resume contact surely their not that detatched that they would renounce their own granddaughter just because he tells them to?
I really hope for now you find a solution for this hurdle because it will be the first of many.
I feel for your little angel, but rest assured children understand more than you think and are highly resiliant, I can say this because I came through and im confident that she`l be strong enough to surprise you too. I know you`l worry its only natural for a mum, but you`re doing brilliantly, stay strong because she`l be your best friend in years to come.
All the very best xx
There is not much solace I can give you as the situation is so uniquely terrible that your little girl has been alienated by her own family.
My dad was absent and as a result saw very little of his family if at all.
There isnt much you can do to persuade him and to be honest would you want him flitting in and out of her life as he liked? I think you know the answer to that. Perhaps a letter to her grandparents asking them to stay in contact, after all he doesnt need to know, its non of his bussiness, and why shouldnt they resume contact surely their not that detatched that they would renounce their own granddaughter just because he tells them to?
I really hope for now you find a solution for this hurdle because it will be the first of many.
I feel for your little angel, but rest assured children understand more than you think and are highly resiliant, I can say this because I came through and im confident that she`l be strong enough to surprise you too. I know you`l worry its only natural for a mum, but you`re doing brilliantly, stay strong because she`l be your best friend in years to come.
All the very best xx
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I agree with Crystal. I feel your daughter should be told the truth. I haven't seen my daughters for a year because my ex-wife is bitter. She changed all the phone numbers too. I love my girls and will always fight to see them.
With your ex.....it's his loss. If your daughter is told the truth now, her life won't be balancing on hopes that her dad 'loves' her.
Good luck.
With your ex.....it's his loss. If your daughter is told the truth now, her life won't be balancing on hopes that her dad 'loves' her.
Good luck.
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I agree with Crystal. I feel your daughter should be told the truth. I haven't seen my daughters for a year because my ex-wife is bitter. She changed all the phone numbers too. I love my girls and will always fight to see them.
With your ex.....it's his loss. If your daughter is told the truth now, her life won't be balancing on hopes that her dad 'loves' her.
Good luck.
With your ex.....it's his loss. If your daughter is told the truth now, her life won't be balancing on hopes that her dad 'loves' her.
Good luck.
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my daughter cant wait to be old enough to have her say in court to tell the judge that they have failed this family by not listening to their wishes earlyer . now im not a well man and are suffering with pancreatitus witch is being opperated on soon as possable, my children have known for years that somthing was wrong with me but we did not know what it was, I found out two years ago and let the children know so they will know that we can help the illness, the judge ( warton) said it was popostuss I did this, I dont think so !! so I looked into this and there is lots of book on how to go about telling a chid about an illness in the family, I befor I read the book did it the right way so the judge is wrong and both my children respect me loads for how I told them and explained the opions I had and we aggreed a rout I should go down so the insight of a childs perspective helped us all to deal with my problem. I truly belive that sam is jellus of the bond me and the children had and still have this is why she is being so horrible she has smashed my childrens toys I bought them in front of my son this sceared him loads not to mencun he lost his toy, the list just goes on and on im at the point of giving up, I should of gone to court two week ago but I knew that again they wont listen so I didnt go and now there is a order that I have to phone sam to arrange visit one month before its planned this is what I cant explain is why after so many years split I still shake and sweat wen I talk about her and are haveing this looked at through cancaling. all this greef me and my children have had to endure the many many dangerus long long long jurneys in the car between housese its madness could of been delt with so quickly had their been a policy for a lie detector machine test and still to this day wish that this could be presented in court we live in hope yes peace V !!8)
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for 2 1/2 years I have not needed to talk to sam all next visits was arranged through jazzmin and tx over mobile phone this was due to the violance from her to me still makes me shake and sweat so the contact was arranged through jazz and txin all was fine till sam broke up with her last boyfriend (this is another problem just the amount of differant boyfriends sam has back at hers roughly 2 a year shes been through) now sam has made an order that all contact stops unless I comunicate with her direct this just will not happen as its not in the best intrests of my children to see their dad stressed out becouse he is being forsed to talk to his abbuseive ex partner now only me and sam know what went on in our relastionship and this is were she commited prejury by saying she had no choice but to run away with my children this is not true whenever a argument was bruwing I quicky dispersed to a differnt room as I cant stad confrontation and are a pasifist, I would then have the door thrown open and loads of abuse thrown at me, this woman attaced me and has scared my children as she scares me, so my heart goes out to them iv called peterborough ss but becouse I warned sam the day before she had called them before I did and now they say its a case of tit for tat and they are not getting involved jazz told me mom pushed her backwards in her room and she banged her head so I sent sam a treat in a tx and I got arrested for it evey avenu I go through shes thier sying no and lieing im a religus man and my granddad was a preacher in churches and in the bible its staits were in the ly of the wicked one so is it this why I get ignored in court,
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nice site bud I too are going through a 10 year battle to have accsess to my children witch their mom has attempted to block every oppertunity, iv been in and out of court more times than I can remember my file is over a foot thick I have perental responcibillity for wat good it does I have steying contact but have not seen my children since summer last year I travel to peterborough from yeovil for court day only to have me smacked down by the oppersition through her lies my children have told me they want to live with me they also made it clear to the cafcas officer reporing the wishes of my children that they wish to live with dad but the judge never listened, I too at first had to see my children in a contact center we instantly bonded so I get the responibillity element (witch means diddley squat)
i have recintly been told my son had swine flu I was told by my daughter who is now 12 years of age and deffinatly self diagnosed daddys girl the mom doesnt really have a realasionship with jazz she says she goes out all the time cos if she stays in mom tells her off and she got sent to bed at 8 pm on holliday wailst tom my son got to stay up late this normally wouldnt be a problem but its the frequancy this accurs thats upsetting as jazzmin and thomas have worked out they are treated differntly by their mom and anything jazzmin wants she gets tom to ask mom for it as she has worked out that asking tom usaly work to her advantage instead of asking herself. lest week jazz found me on facebook and we now chat behind moms back, she goes to the libreay and uses the computer,
i have recintly been told my son had swine flu I was told by my daughter who is now 12 years of age and deffinatly self diagnosed daddys girl the mom doesnt really have a realasionship with jazz she says she goes out all the time cos if she stays in mom tells her off and she got sent to bed at 8 pm on holliday wailst tom my son got to stay up late this normally wouldnt be a problem but its the frequancy this accurs thats upsetting as jazzmin and thomas have worked out they are treated differntly by their mom and anything jazzmin wants she gets tom to ask mom for it as she has worked out that asking tom usaly work to her advantage instead of asking herself. lest week jazz found me on facebook and we now chat behind moms back, she goes to the libreay and uses the computer,
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My partner left me for my best friend some years ago now and at the time I was devastated. but years later I realised she had done me a favour as I would have still been living a life of misery with him, he never even sent them a birthday card ,but was ordered to pay 50p a week maintenance as he made out that he was not working (he was so nasty and violent no body would have questioned him) I never claimed this money as I felt it was an insult to my boys who I love dearly , hI later found out that he had the gaul to claim it after my youngest was 18;but I had to let it go because I did not want him to rob me of my future thoughts or anything else ,you have to let go and get on with your life or he will rob you of the future without even being there.
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My sons dad left me when my son was 6 months old, it was a shock as we had been together over 5 years, he is 6 now and sees his father about once a year. He had another child, and abandoned that one as well. I look at my son everyday and wonder why he doesnt love him, and how he knows nothing about him and it breaks my heart. He is starting to ask questions more, and I dont know how to answer them.. sometimes I think it would be easier if he had never met him, atleast my son wouldnt be aware of his existance and feel abandoned, I could of made up some story like he passed away.. I know thats horrible though, but I feel like it would make things easier for my son... now I make excuses for his dad, like oh daddy works, or he moved far away, or his phone isnt working. But that can only last so long. Anyhow, I think what your daughters dad did is horrible, my heart goes out to that little girl, why would he give the grandparents an ultimatum?? What is it hurting for them to see her?? Are they going to just stop seeing her? Are they going to abandon her like her father did? That would make them no better then him. Do they seriously have no idea what they are doing to her and how bad this can be on her mentality and feelings?? What kind of person would make a threat like that? This man is so horrible he would prevent his own parents from seeing his new child if they see his existing child? What a monster! I live in the US, it is much easier to obtain child support here, he wouldnt be able to run. They would suspend his drivers lisence and if he still didnt take responsibilty they would put a warrant out and he would go to jail.. however some men can still weasel out of it. All I can say is I hope karma kicks this guy in the ass, and your story makes my heart hurt for that little girl.
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One month or fifteen years, it doesn't really matter. Some men are just scum. I started noticing changes in my ex after 12 years. He had an affair and I asked him to leave at 15 years and he has walked away from his bio daughter who is 11 and his step daughter who is 16. He appeared to love them? Now he has vanished. Not my fault. I'm as shocked as the kids. I am fighting for child support for which he never shows up in court. I loved and trusted this man for half of my life and would have never guessed he could do this. He tells everyone now that I won't let him see the kids which is completely untrue. To counter this, I ask my daughter's once a week if they would like to call their dad. They always say no (if he doesn't call them they don't want to call him) They know he doesn't call them and when he comes back years from now and says that I kept him from them they will remember me asking all the time if they want to call him. It's mind blowing to say the least. It hurts and it really rattles your belief system. And to ask if you really had no idea that your husband was abusive...the answer can most definitely be a resounding YES. Character can and does change...obviously.
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Hi Sue my heart goes out to you and your children. This is a tough situation and all you can do for now is reassure the children it's not their fault he's gone and that you still love them very much. Maybe for now you could simply tell your younger ones that until Daddy makes up his mind about what he's doing that you will be there to love and look after them. If you're sure that you don't want him back, then maybe it's time to explain that your feelings for each other have changed and that there will be no more Daddy at home. My ex did the same sort of thing and it drove me crazy as I couldn't give my daughter any answers about when they would see him. again.
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Hiya hope you are ok, I too am finding things difficult, I was married for 17 years and have been seperated for 9 months my ex was abusive and violent towards me but never the children I have 5 children, and he has gone off with some else my little boy is 3 and my little girl 5 and my ex has decided he never wants to see any of the children ever again, this has been going on for 4 months and my little girl cries for him everynight, I feel so lonely and don't want to live anymore, how can he just walk away and forget them, especially as we only live a mile away from each other. How do I explain that he doesn't want to see her again its so horrible, alone and noone to talk to.
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:I am 17 years old and have got one sister and one brother. My mum and dad has spilt up and my dad now lives with his girlfriend.
My sister goes and vists him nearly every weekend and gets whatever she want.And I have nothing.I dont even get to spend time with him.
Also the last couple of christmas's I have reviced nothing from him, not even a "merry christmas". I want him to start treating me as the same as he treats my sister. But I dont no if there is anything I can do? :( x
My sister goes and vists him nearly every weekend and gets whatever she want.And I have nothing.I dont even get to spend time with him.
Also the last couple of christmas's I have reviced nothing from him, not even a "merry christmas". I want him to start treating me as the same as he treats my sister. But I dont no if there is anything I can do? :( x
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I pursued the ideal, but ended up in a terrible situation anyway. The abuse was subtle at first but it gradually got worse and then he started head games with my daughter, who was about three at the time. That's when the penny finally dropped and I realised all his apologies and promises to change would always amount to nothing. He changed completely from the man I met to a monster.
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When it comes to the enormous responsibility of creating life, Spanishlady, I think we should all pursue the ideal. I think everyone should be held accountable for their choices. Are you telling me you honestly didn't realise he was abusive until you already had two children? And then his character suddenly changed?
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Louise It must be great to live in such an ideal world. I didn't know my ex-husband was an abusive man until after I married him. I have protected my children from the situation. I left him and divorced him. Then the courts decided that it was ok for him to see them. Then when they were having contact with him they witnessed him beating up his girlfriend. they haven't seen him since, but if he decides to take me to court the courts may yet again decide that he doesn't pose enpugh of a threat to them and that they should have a chance to "bond" with him. It's not me who has failed my children. It's their father and the system.
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