Jealous ex-wives use kids as pawns

..further to my previous comment.... the one who has been hurt the most may feel more angry. Can you blame them?

It takes two to tango. Both sides always blame each other and list all their failings.

The split should never have happened this way had they both been grown up about things.
Both use the kids but then again, the whole thing is an emotional battle of two people who were once madly in love and had children.

yes we have gone/going through this and it is sad.i'm a mom as well as a stepmom and always make sure that my son gets time with his father and stepmom. I do not and will not make it hard on my baby. but on the other side of the fence we have my husbands ex who is so blinded by her own controlling issues, and hate for herself because she ended up cheating and messed up a good thing, now she jerks the kids feelings back n forth like shes playing chess and thinks it hurts him. she will not let them have any extra time. we get them 4 days and 6 nights a month. we are in the process of going for custody. I hope for the kids sake it turns out good.

And, in case anyone is wondering, I am not the one who destroyed my husband's previous marriage, even though I have been cast as the "other woman". The ex thought she was marrying into money, had a son quickly to secure her financial future, but when that was not going to plan she had an affair with a millionaire (who wasn't going to risk his marriage for the fling as it turned out). Marriage broke down and within a couple of months she was engaged to the person she is still married to and has another child with (not a millionaire).

Next 3 years she used my husband as personal kicking post and personal on-call baby sitter who paid for the honour. And she loved flaunting what a wonderful new family life she had!

Then 3 years later we meet. And make plans to build a life together, which includes the son when husband is allowed contact. Endure 3 more years of ever-increasing nastiness - we do everything possible to shield the child whilst she does everything possible to make contact more and more stressful for all 3 of us. She could not cope with the fact that her ex had found happiness, and her son preferred spending time at ours to time with them. (And yes Eleanor, he wanted to call me "mummy" - well she made it normal to have 2 "daddy"s - but we did everything to protect her feelings and settled on a nickname).

In our experience the child's emotional needs are paramount in court proceedings, and my husband's solicitor respected his decision to have "indirect contact" only. She knew what we'd been through and knew we were in for a good few more years of living hell if we stayed in contact. She wrote the "facts and reasons" underlining his decision to withdraw an application for direct contact safe in the knowledge that one day the child will come back to find his dad - and the evidence will show that my husband acted in his son's interest.

No-one ever wins in these scenarios - you need to look for the least damage.

Eleanor - I remember your posts. From my own experience, your man has to make a stand. You might think your behaviour is protecting the child, and he is still very young, but NOTHING you do will ever stop this woman from using the child to manipulate your chap. It will get worse and worse, and cause emotional damage you are trying to prevent with you both being left powerless to make a difference to this.

Both the ex and his brother have made it clear that he needs to make a choice between you or his "son" (in the absence of a paternity test how can you be sure you man is is not just a baby sitter who pays heavily financially and emotionally for the privilage?) Same happened here - and the ex enlisted my husband's family to wage a vicious hate campaign against me. He had to make a choice based on who he could protect most, and his son lost contact with us because it was obvious that there was nothing we could do to help protect the child anymore. I would never have dreamed of making my husband make this choice. He lost his son, disowned his family, but he's regained some control over his life and doesn't spend it constantly walking on egg shells. This was such a hard decision to make, and there has been a period of grieving.

She will be the loser if she continues this vendetta. Call her bluff again. What's the worst that can happen? You lose contact. How long do you think she will be able to cut her nose off to spite her face? When she has to baby-sit her own son 7 nights a week, take him on holiday with her, give him calpol when he's ill????

I really do think that paternity needs to be established though.

Good luck!

Anon - I can understand how bitter and resentful you feel. Hey, who wouldn't in your situation!? You need to rediscover yourself now though. He's off living the high life whilst you are looking after the children you had together - they aren't just his children. He sounds like an emotionally abusive, manipulative, selfish.... don't you think you are actually better off being given the opportunity to find someone who deserves you? It's time for some re-invention. You could spend the rest of your life sticking pins into wax effigies, but would that really achieve anything? Maybe in the short-term it would make you feel "better", but you need to be thinking about making yourself feel good in the long-term. Getting some self-esteem back will help you in the long-term - you've had 15 years being the person you thought he wanted you to be. Right, so use your energy on remembering who and what you wanted to be if you'd not met him, and becoming that person. This could also help you to become the mother that your children need - someone confident and self-assured who bounces back from life's challenges.

And I really hope that one day you get the satisfaction of seeing the look on his weasly face when he realises that he gave you the chance to be someone you could never have been if he'd not released you!

Eleanor - Have you asked for a paternity test just to give you 100% satisfactions?

Actually I have been through the heartbreak of losing a husband to another woman - 16 years ago. It took me 10 years to get back on my feet. The man I am now seeing has never been married, and never lived with his ex - they dated for 6 weeks and the baby was an accident (which she claimed was his some months later, and I still have my doubts about that).

My situation was different to yours, in that I had never had children - but I lost my home, my business, my income and my husband, to someone who worked with us and I knew. I made a conscious decision to be amicable and civilised once I accepted it was over - but had the horror of being dragged back to court 3 years later to re-hash divorce paperwork - and was confronted with the fact that my husband's new girl-friend was pregnant - which I really did not want to know.

Anyway - yes of course I can understand if your husband has been unfaithful and left - but my new man hasn't - he has done nothing wrong - except to accidentally get someone he hardly knew pregnant. All she is doing is making the most of the system - she is not some sad shrinking violet - but someone that the majority of people are scared of! A rottweiler. She doesn't care about anyone and would never lift a finger to help anyone - she just wants someone to pay the bills - her former husband ki11ed herself and it wouldn't surprise me if she drove him to it. I am sure you are not like this - but do think - do you really want to waste your life having vengeance on this couple? Or could you be so much bigger than that and better than them - and accept it, and concentrate on new, interesting, creative things - you could write a book, become famous in some way - and really make your children proud of you. I'm sure you are a great Mum anyway - but join something new and do something worthy with your time - it will make you happier :-)

I am married to a wonderful man for 2 years now, this is both our 2nd marriage.My current husband ex wife cheated on him when he was in the Army Reserves, and when he returned from Irag she was still seeing the other guy and she asked him for a divorce. Now he is remarried to me and the man she was having the affair with is nowhere around. She is bitter she uses the kids to call and ask for money because she does not work and she has a Bachelors degree but refuses to support there 3 kids. My husband pays child support faithfully and even does extra for the kids when we have them. She won't meet us 1/2 way to bring the kids or take them back home. She's runined his credit because the house she won in the divorce she is not paying he mortgage. The oldest child turned 18 last year so she's not getting as much child support and she took his income tax check and used it the 1st year they were divorced, so the courts are making her pay that back out of her child support, so she is really hurting for money but she still won't get a job. She does not clean house or even comb her daughters hair on a regular basis, she just lazy, she use to expect my husband to still take care of her and fix things around her house. He tells her no, I think finally after 2 years of hearing NO she's getting the picture that he is no longer required to help her. She depended on him financially but she asked for the divorce thinking the man she had an affair with was going to take care of her. And the house is in foreclosure, my husband had to file bankruptcy to get his name off the the mortgage. She treats him like he's the one who cheated on her. I believe she is unhappy and can't stand the fact the my husband is the happy one. She calls theoldestson's cell phone everyday when they are visiting with us.

You obviously have no idea what it is to go through the heartbreak of losing a husband to another woman, it hurts when you have devoted your whole life to your husband and your children to find out that he didn't feel the same way and instead of being a man and admitting to it decided to cheat on me with someone he works with who was also married with children. Instead of being remorseful, he continues to blame me and tell me its all my fault. I am truly heartbroken but instead he in now in a full blown relationship with this woman and swans off to spain, concerts and meals out etc with her whilst I look after his children. He is very happy now and has completely forgotten our 15 years together instead he turns up at my house all happy and in love - thats why the ex-wife feels bitter and angry - wouldn't you??

Part 6 - final part: I have come to the conclusion the only way forward is to campaign for automatic shared residency rights (joint custody) for both parents - as is the case in some European countries, where it seems to work. Instead of all this stupidity of Mothers having automatic residence and too much power, and Fathers having to be emasculated by giving in to inhumane demands just to see their children - and having to fight for contact rights. Children are bound to pick up on these kind of stresses.

I'd also like to see a law that makes it a prisonable offence to threaten to stop a parent seeing his child (because some spoilt brat of a woman is having a tantrum because she doesn't have a boyfriend at the time and resents other peoples' happiness).

Part 5: I cook for them, do their washing - get the right equipment for bedding, potty training or whatever. We do no harm whatsoever to the Mother. Keep our heads down and contact with her is formal, at handover on the doorstep each time (I don't go). Yet she still makes threats and refuses to allow me contact. We have come up with a nickname for me (the child tried to call me Mummy so we came up with something else) so it isn't offensive for her. She has nothing to be threatened by. If she hadn't wanted my man to have a partner or be a family with his child, she shouldn't have tried to get him involved in the first place - but then she wouldn't have such a good social life or anyone to leave the child with when she goes on holiday (or anyone to bully).

I have no idea what other peoples' ex's are like, but ours is - narcissistic, controlling, unreasonable - and abuses all the power she has.

The child deserves to have two happy families. I have been through hell on a few occasions the last couple of years and am no longer able to work at present and have ongoing health problems. We need a break. My man has felt like just giving up his child a few times - but the child is very attached to him (after all he has done most of the parenting, especially when the child has been ill and quite clingy).

We are still not happy with the idea of going to court - I have done a lot of research over the past couple of years, and even with the best court order in the world, it seems that these ex's then use alienation -poison the child against the Father and/or his partner. Neither of us are worried for ourselves, but for the pyschological damage this could inflict on the child.