Daughter rejected by ex-husband

Pepa,

I have an exhusband that solely chooses our son over daughter simply because she is a girl. So I can relate in some respects. He has flat told them both that boys belong with their dads and girls with their moms. He does take both of the kids but pays no attention to either one of them but he's a boy and wants to run around and has no guidance over there and she's a girl who wants attention and is not only ignored but given money each time she is over so that she will leave him alone. I have physical custody of both of my kids but my son has been made to believe that he doesn't have to listen to me and has been told that his dad will take me to court and get custody of him but not his sister. I see my daughter hurt all of the time over this and my son I see him hurting because he feels that I don't love him even though I try so hard. I feel that I have to over compensate with guidance that they don't get over at their dads but also try to show love. I spend time with them, make sure they have what they need and devote every aspect of my life toward putting them first. I am lost as to what to do next.

It makes me so sad that there are guys like that out there. im so sorry it happend to you and I feel for you beause even tho im 15 it still makes me want to cry.

Dear Lin,

I have debts but they are fortunately, not so bad. I have however, stupidly been burrying my head in the sand for a while and/but have finally taken my head up. I have a btter paid job than before (I absoultely loathe it but hey!) and so am now starting to pay larger amounts towards the bits that are outstanding. I've also looked at the money savings web sites and followed some of the tips on those. The only way is to practice economies, look for advice and keep plugging. Furtunately, neith my kids nor I have ever been too much into having "things". I've tried to teach them to look at the "green" aspect (green is very trendy you know!) of recycling. Which includes them learning the thrill of picking up a good bargain. Never turn the nose up at second hand/ebay/Oxfam. lol

My daughter is 14 and has not seen her dad since earlier this year. There is nothing you can do other than to constantly reassure them that is is NOT their fault or a reflection on them as children in any way; it is a reflection of the parent and a lack in them. Whether that works long term I don't know. But one thing I've learned for sure, you cannot spend your life trying to compensate for a lack in the other parent. And kids seem to just accept that however they (the other parent is) is just the way it is.

Keep reassuring your daughter it is not her "fault"; it is not to do with her not being loveable; that ultimately, it will be his loss. And stay firm with her. I wish you happy times with your girl. We really are the lucky ones I think. Even though many days it can feel pretty hard!

m

Hello All,

Since my ex left us for his receptionist 6 years ago (they had been having an affair for 20 years....) and moved to France, he has shown no interest in our girl who is 13 years old. I have also had major financial problems, mainly due to my own fault, but recovering emotionally has taken time. I would be interested in how you other lone parents are managing financially, debts, CCJ's, bailiffs, loss of home etc. I am also interested in how your children are coping if their father (or mother) doesn't want to see them, or show no interest. My girl is having lots of problems emotionally, how do your children show their problems?

Please share with me, I would be very grateful.
Thanks

My exhusband wouldn't speak to our daughter coz she would be on her mother's side. He'd call our son or drop in to see him but wouldn't have any contact with her.
12 months on he moved with an older woman and her elder son. He and his mates got to know our daughter and her friends down the beach 1 day and from then on he would ring 5 -6 times a week.
Our daughter had just turned 15 and Dad asked her out every weekends for 3 months to sleep there and she could hang with this older boy and he mates. She could drink and use dope and she'd cum home drug or stoned. Many phone calls to Dad - his comments were "Let her have some fun" Phone calls to the Police, Solicitor and Doc's did nothing. A court case in 6-8 months BUT buy then anthing could have happened. And she'd be 16yrs old
I felt much fear for her - and warned her to be careful.
She would cry to me "Finally Dad is wants to see her and spend time with her - she always knew that he loved her"
3 months and she NEVER wanted to go there again. She didn't care if she ever saw her Father again.She cut all her blonde hair off, dyed it black, wanted to wear glasses, to change her name and she wouldn't leave home alone. She was drinking and using drugs secretly. She was acting very weird.
I found out 8 months later ........
She was raped.
By 4 older guys - friends of the defacto's son.
Her Dad said "it was her fault' - I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened to our 15 yr old daughter.
She trusted her Dad to look out for her.
I trusted my husband to look out for our daughter.
He betrayed her.

Sheldon,

thank you. I agree with what you have posted - more or less every word. I too chose to move on and with logic, I can accept the words that you use; that I have already used to myself. That is "head". When it comes to heart - my daughters live in mine, even though he no longer does. And it is watching their pain that makes the situation difficult. Hopefully in time, they will come to feel exactly as your wife does.

Continued from previous post

So, if he has chosen to move forward and leave his former life behind then that is a decision you have to live with. It may not be what you or your children want. It may not even be what he really wants, but he has made a decision and will have to follow that path now. It is sad that others get hurt by the decisions we make but it is a fact of life. Nobody said life was going to be easy.
As for the afterlife....that is where he will be judged.
I hope I have explained myself well. As I said, you may not agree but I hope I have helped you accept the situation. There is no doubt that it is a horrible position for your children but they will learn to adapt.
My wife was the daughter of a man that moved on and forgot her. She has spoken about this at great length with me over the years. She too has moved on now and whilst the disappointment in her father will never go away, it no longer has any bearing on her life.

I'm not going to try and justify what he has done but I will try to put across a point of view. You may not agree with it, that is your right, but never the less at least consider it.
I am male. I believe that our lives are made up of four distinct areas, the past, present, future and the afterlife. I cannot live in the past. There are both good and bad memories there but they are now memories although I accept that they may also be obligations. The present is important to me. The way I feel and behave today has a very direct influence on those around me as well as my, and their futures. My future is what I prepare for. I have to consider this in any decisions I make today.
Your ex sounds like he has been put in a position whereby he has had to make a choice between his past and his future. He has to consider the effects of this on those from both times. He has a right to a future but must realise that there are aspects of his past that will forever be there. He can leave you behind easily. His children are a different matter.
So what do you do when confonted by this choice? It is impossible to answer unless you are in that position. He has to consider his bride to be as well as his children but ultimately he has to consider himself. There is no point making a decision solely to please others. You cannot live an unhappy life just to make others happy. It is not fair on yourself!
.....Continued in next post

Sheldon,

well at least this time, there would appear to be no "slant" to your post. What reason did he give? None! What reason have I managed to come up with for our daughters? None! I cannot, I CANNOT - and I have tried, put myself in his position and imagine myself EVER making a similar decision. If my partner, spouse to be, whatever, took my children aside and told them all of the things they found lacking in them, told both them and me that they were not to be invited to our wedding, that would ring alarm bells so loud, I would at least postpone all plans.

I HAVE no answers. Believe me I wish I had. I am not by any manner of means, a "man hater" single parent. The men in MY life - father, grandfathers, were adored and the most special in my life. If, as I have assumed, you are a male, if you can come up with a single reason why this man would reject his own daughters in such a way, then by all means, let us know. Because I have two gorgeous, loving young girls who I am sure, would like to know.

You want to paint bad pictures. Well, I tell you this - and it is no lie. Before we knew the girls were not to be invited, we - the girls and I, when we were out shopping, were looking at gifts to buy for the couple; for outfits for our elder to wear to the wedding she wanted to attend. I bore my ex no malice. You choose to believe otherwise. it IS actually possible for a woman to move on. You might not like to believe so - but it is. I say again, if you have any conceivable answers for why a man would not invite his own children to his wedding, please supply them.

Meanwhile, you might like to suggest how I help my daughters deal with something they view as total rejection of them. For at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

It sounds to me that you don't like anybody disagreeing with you. When you have a discussion it is not possible for one side to be 100% right in every aspect. If you believe you are then you are misguided. I'm not doubting that he has acted badly. I'm just saying that I suspect that you have only told us as much as your argument suits. I bet there is a lot more to this story if we knew both sides.
What actual reason did he give for not inviting his daughters? Are you brave enough to be honest with your answer?
You cannot provide 50% of the facts, which is an unbalanced account of events, and expect a fair and impartial response.

Sheldon,

you are an idiot. I would guess from your comments you are way more like my ex than you could ever be like me. If somebody, ANYbody causes one of my children to be sad, upset, filled with grief, crying tears, then rest assured until the day I draw my last breath, it IS my business. You on the other hand, would appear to be the kind of "human" being who prefers to cross on the other side of the street. My ex has devsatated, there is no other word, the lovely and gentle young woman who is his child. She will carry the scars always. And STILL, you prefer to make excuses for his behaviour. That puts you on a similar level. I leave you to your last, no doubt slanted, comment.

Yes, it may concern you, but it isn't your business. If he has chosen not to invite them to his wedding then he is wrong. It may be that there is another reason that either he is not telling you, or you are not telling us.
I suspect it is not as clear cut as him not wanting them there.