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Why is it that middle management talk in a different language? I am currently on an all day (yes, all day) conference call with my sales manager and he's come up with an amazing amount of management jargon.
Anyway, in the last three hours he has come out with the following rediculous phrases:
- We're on a 3 way street here
- We really need to push the envelope on this one
- It's a finely balanced situation, weighted heavily toward the customer
- Think big
- We need to touch base offline
- What can you bring to the table?
- Keep me in the loop
- We need to get on the same page
- Lets take a blue-sky approach
- 360-degree feedback
- Lets park that offline for a moment
- By close of play
- Think outside the box
- Low hanging fruit
Why can't they just speak in English? Does it mean they're cleverer than me because they use stupid management phrases that no other person understands? Do they get paid more for saying "I need that by close of play today" instead of "e-mail it to me by 5pm please"?
And who said that "being assertive" means you get free reign to be as rude as you like to your staff? My four year old has better manners. And they wonder why they have to "escalate" everything in order to get something done? Stop "raising the red flag up the flagpole to see which way the wind blows it", and say "please" and "thank-you" a few times.
So, in closing, I've crafted some replies to the above list for your enjoyment..
|We're on a 3 way street here.||Interesting result from your driving test theory was it?|
|We really need to push the envelope on this one.||Hell, I love envelope pushing. Beats working anyday. I like the padded ones with built in bubble wrap....|
|It's a finely balanced situation, weighted heavily toward the customer.||Probably.|
|Think big||Why? You're gonna send me ten million e-mails on the subject, meaning that even if I wanted to "Think Big", I have to spend so much time "thinking small" that I haven't enough time to "think big".|
|We need to touch base offline.||You're not touching my base OFFLINE or ONLINE!|
|What can you bring to the table?||My sandwiches and a flask of tea?|
|Keep me in the loop.||Only if it's a tight one that prevents you from moving.|
|We need to get on the same page.||We're not even on the same planet.|
|Lets take a blue sky approach.||Don't you know what the English weather is like in November?|
|360 degree feedback.||Typical of this company.... forever going round in circles.|
|Lets park that offline for a moment.||Hope you never get a job with British Rail.|
|By close of play.||So, we're just playing at this are we?|
|Think outside the box.||You're totally out of your box already.|
|Low hanging fruit.||You're the fruit.|
Two words: "GCSE English". Go learn.