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Absent father makes no effort for his children

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I am 28 years old and the single mother of two adorable, well-mannered and well brought up children.  I do the very best I can for them, emotionally and spiritually but financially it can be a bit of a pain.  I have just started my own business and attend university too, but believe I am a good mother with all our best interests at heart.  I do not want them to ever think its OK not to work while you are physically able so I hope to prove a good role model to them.

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Their father and I split up over 6 years ago, and to this day hasn't paid one penny in support.  He is now in another relationship and has a son to his current partner who is claiming every benefit she can lay her hands on.  I have tried claiming maintenance through the CSA, and although he has a very well paid job (close to £700 per week), his boss is very understanding whenever they get close to catching him, and lays him off for a week or two so he can claim dole and not have to pay.

he expects me to take the children to his home 50 miles away

On top of this he expects me to take the children to his home 50 miles away whenever he feels like seeing them.  And I, thinking I was doing right by my children went along with this, at least up until 6 months ago when I found I couldn't quite afford the train fare if I wanted to get the weekly shop at the same time.

A family picture He refuses to come and get them from our home, claiming he won't spend any time with them if he is travelling and won't budge on the subject.  He didn't even send the children a card or present at Christmas as it was too time consuming for him.  I have contacted solicitors to try and come to some arrangement over contact, but he has ignored every letter, though he and his partner have given me abusive texts and phone calls whenever he gets one.

my children have not seen their father for 6 months

One letter sparked off a whole new argument, and it emerged that he wasn't supposed to be living with his partner as she was on so many benefits, and they were committing benefit fraud.  I was accused of "grassing them up" and that they would make me pay for it.  I worked it out that those two are living on about £1000 EVERY WEEK while me and the children survive on almost £200 if takings are good.  Perhaps if he paid the maintenance that he can definitely afford, I might be able to afford the train fare.  Then again, I don't see why I should make the effort to take them to him.  They are his children so he should take the initiative and come and get them.

As it stands, my children have not seen their father for 6 months, I'm skint, and he's coining it in.  Am I doing the right thing?  I don't want to give in, but I don't want my children missing out either.  Rant rant rant rant...

By: Kit


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kandl

...shes hapoy as she is and wants to change her surname by deedpole so shes ggot the same name as our other 2 kids and her step dad. she knows shes got 'another dad who made her' but shes not interested. In her heart her step dad is her dad and the only dad shes ever really known.
4th Apr 13 04:04

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kandl

Hi Kit-
my eldest childs father never wanted to know from before birth to present day. he wanted me to have a termination but when i said no he dumped me. He had 3 children ti 3 different women and does not have anything to do with any of them He was in and out of our lives until our child was almist 3, he would be consistent for 3 weeks and see her every weekend for a couple of hours on a saturday but then he would dissappear and we wouldnt see him for months at a time. No phone calls, nothing. I still kept giving him chances though but he let her down time after time after time. When she was 2 and a half i met another man who i am still with now. he knew the situation and he didnt get involved. Things were going ok but then her fathet started demanding money for petrol for picking her up and dropping her back off as i didnt drive. He did not however give me a peeny maintainance for her-all i wanted was for them to have a relationship. But i found his demands totally out of order. The week after he fetched her home early and said she was a little b***ard and he f***ing hated her. He never came for her again. Ses 12 now. She cant even remember the 'biological one' and calls my partner Dad, she has called him Dad since she was about 4 years old and they are thick as thieves. She never called her biological father Dad when he used to see her anyway as he was always in and out of her life. We gaave him chance after chance but he blew it everytime. I dont ever want her to see him, not even when shes older as he will only hurt her but because she will be older it will hurt more than it did when she was 3. Sh
4th Apr 13 04:04

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Inglorious Bastard

It's his responsibility to get and return his children to and from you. I drive and hour to get my daughter and an hour to get back home every time I pick her up. Ive never missed a visit. You might be able to prove abandonment if its more than 6 months and he is not paying child support either. There is a penalty for that , which includes jail time to snap him to realization! Your responsibilities are to love and care for your children day in and day out and promote a healthy relationship with the other party. NOT bend over backwards for him! Good for you for turning them in for fraud - The system is completely messed up by people who use it like that. There are really woman out there with babies who have been full on abandoned by the biological fathers who need that assistance.
13th Dec 12 10:12

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mark Andersen

This was even faster than I could dream of, dr.rivers(dr.rivershebalisthome@gmail.com). Thank you for taking time to listen to me and answering all my emails. I feel emotional strong again. My confidence is back and I see my future clearly. I am forever grateful for your help for re-uniting me with my old lover.

mark Andersen, Seattle, new york
25th Jul 12 10:07

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Anonymous

Why do some men neglect to help raise their children? For 18yrs (birth to young adult) I raised our child, without their father. Our child received no maintenance or indeed any financial or emotional support from him. He neglected our child. Now he has finally made contact and I am pleased for our child. The only explanation he offered for his absence hoad been that he had been an idiot? Surely our child deserves a better explanation than that? Why do some fathers wait until all the hard work is done before getting in contact?
25th Feb 12 11:02

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Kit

I am the original griper here. I am now married to a wonderful man who loves my children and so does his wider family. They still have not seen their father, and they do not want to either, because of his abusive attitude towards them, the hurtful games he has played, and the emotional blackmail he has tried to instill in them. He still thinks that they are 7 and 8 years old. They are now 12 and 13 and have their own minds made up. They know what he has done, they have heard it, seen it, and read it. I didn't ever want them to fall out with their father, but he unfortunately did all that himself when he threw his dummy out the pram. I love my children and would do anything for them... shame their father can't be bothered.
12th Mar 11 12:03

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Maria

Hi, . I am from south africa. My ex also dont come to see my 2 children. The last time they saw him was 4yrs ago. Doest pay maintainance. And he also dissapeard. There is a standing court order, but I can tell you....NOTHING HAPPENS. I THINK THEY SUPPORT THE FATHERS.
4th Feb 11 12:02

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Blue

I am in exactly the same situation where my Ex operates entirely under the radar and I have no idea how he gets away with this. He has 2 cars lives in a riverside penthouse uses credit cards for which he must have a bank account has not paid tax since 2004 yet manages to ply the children with expensive toys and gifts whilst not paying anything to the CSA where the arrears are now in excess of 15k. I have just found that I can take this to an Ombudsman to investigate but as there is 'no confident address' for him although he can easily be located through directory enquiries this is not acceptable as he is not on the electoral register. He tends to use other people's addresses for correspondence so when he maxes his credit cards and defaults on them he can just move on to the next one. I do not penalise my children or him and have never refused access however, his behaviour is damaging to the children and the example he sets is despicable. They are frequently told to keep secrets about his whereabouts.
1st Nov 10 12:11

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Daz

the csa fail both the parent with care and the non-resident parent. I myself am a nrp and have been absolutely shafted by the csa, to the point where I had to give up my flat because I could no longer afford to meet the rent and bills, infact they are taking so much of my pay I was close to living in the back of the works van, literally, I am not joking or making this up for effect, it was only through pure luck that I met a girl about a month before I moved out that I avoided the gypsy life style! I believe absent parents should support their children but equally it should be reasonable and allow both parents to live without losing everything. I can fully understand why your ex has avoided paying maintenance because he will be nailed to the wall by the csa. I dont condone in any way shape or form not supporting your children as I stated earlier but there has to be a much fairer system than the present one and if that was the case more fathers would happily pay up every month.
6th Oct 10 02:10

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Gidea

My ex is just like this and I feel I have let myself be manipulated by him, because I so want the boys to have a relationship with him. He has a court order saying they must spend half the school holidays with him, but he doesn't really want the responsibility. When they are there, they send me one text after another saying they are unhappy. But then when they don't see him, they miss him, so I can't tell what to do for best. We are back in court at present, so he is not answering texts, emails or anything else. He has remarried and wants this new lady to be a replacement Mum! He has even bought an "I love my Mummy" mug for her, which she uses when they visit, although neither of them wants kids. They just want to take mine away from me. Which causes tension, because it just won't happen. I pay for everything and he won't even talk about things from the school or their health. He always hated the word "together" and now has an excuse to parent alone. He is a good father-by-telephone, and God alone knows what he says to the boys when he rings them. Won't visit them, though.
15th Sep 10 06:09

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Kit

Hi again, I'm Kit, the originator of this gripe, and like to check in now and again. I'd just like to say a great big thank you for all your supportive messages. It really means a lot.

We still have no joy with the CSA, he isn't registered anywhere, doesn't pay tax, NI, and doesn't claim benefits, so is invisible now, and the arrears he has amassed has now exceeded £10,000. I won't ever see that money, but am quite proud that I have done all I have without any help from him or anyone.

We still have no contact with their father and to be honest, we have never been happier! My son came to me today with butterflies in his tummy saying "Mam! Its only 26 days til the wedding and we'll be a proper family!" (He is the ringbearer and has such a lot of responsibility, the excitement is bursting out of him!)

Jofaz, they probably will want to make contact with him in their own time, but you must remember, you grew up in a fatherless household and look at you. Were you asking about your dad? Did you demand to see him, or take his side? I really think not, and that is what we have to look forward to... Respect from our children for giving everything we have for them, and loving every second of it! I wish you and your girls all the best, I hope you all find the happiness you deserve. x
5th Jul 10 11:07

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Jofaz

Kit, I am so pleased the way things have turned round for you, you most certainly deserve it. I read your story with huge empathy as its such a difficult situation. My ex walked out on me and our twin (aged 2) girls one year ago and he hasn't made any effort to come and see them nor offer any maintenance. He lives abroad and therefore has no legal obligation to pay. I am trying divorce him but without knowing his whereabouts I fear I will be married for a very long time...I find it positively disgusting how anyone can abandon their kids. I worry about them not having a male influence in their life but I don't worry too much, ironically I had no father in my life and I turned out great!! I don't need him for anything and we are so happy. Im sure in time they will wonder where or who he is and let them decide if they want to see him. I have also kept a diary of all the contact he has made and the things he's done for them to read when they are older. He is a waste of oxygen in my eyes and he has/is missing out on the most adorable beautiful little girls lives, I love not sharing them, they're all mine lol x I hope one day I will meet someone like you but Im in no rush. Wishing every luck.
5th Jul 10 10:07

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sky08

your exactly right not to travel everytime with your child they say fathers have parental responsibilties so this means he should also make the effort to come and see them. I have a son to an ex partner who does pay maintance but only lives a few doors away from me and cant make a effort in the 6 years he was born to come and see him some men are not worth the air we breathe and children pick up on this in time your child will know that everything they have has came from u.
21st Jun 10 07:06

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Kit

Stig

Whatever your ex is doing wrong regarding failed payments for the children's upkeep you should never use the children as a weapon against him. He is still their dad and their relationship with him is entirely separate from his relationship with you.

He is no longer your partner but he will always be their father.
29th Apr 10 10:04

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Mr Clarkson

Stig, I bet he did your house up with nice fittings before he had to leave you his old house to you
29th Apr 10 10:04

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Stig

I had such faith in the CSA!!! Until now! I have been waiting since January for a variation settlement as my ex was earning and then claiming JSA when he wasn't working. The system allowed him to do both as it couldn't keep up and no one was updating it. Although this caused confusion, eventually I got a figure worked out and it was passed on to another department for processing and to collect payment. Guess what? They fell at the last hurdle and couldn't get there heads around the variation so I still haven't had any money and every time I ring the CSA they start from the beginning again with another person. It is infuriating.
Whats more my ex sees the children, had a very generous payout from the marriage and took most of my belongings and promised to pay regularly. My question is this.. Shall I stop him seeing the kids until he pays regularly and pays his £1000 arrears? I feel like I should stop him as the kids feel he is useless Dad and they know they are going without and he is busy doing up his new house with expensive fittings etc.
29th Apr 10 06:04

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Rosie

CSA are useless!!!!They should be called FSA as it seems they support the Fathers.My daughter has had 1 payment in two years.When the CSA finally caught up with him(we had to tell them where he was working and for whom!) they Set up a direct debit and he went balistic.Said he wanted the money returned or he would jack his job in.She didn't pay it back and he jacked his job in .She was told because he's on benefits she will get £5 a week!!!! Not enough to feed a hamster.... She has only had 2 of these payments..He is working and claiming benefits and we have told CSA this but they told us to report him to the inland revenue!!!! Complete waste of time and money...Yet he still demands access to the boys ( dont think so) My daughter works full time and struggles with school outfits and trips etc..
CSA turn a deaf ear to this.
13th Apr 10 03:04

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Kit

Kit,
I started posting here last year using the name Kit. I have only just realised that some one was using the name before me. Sorry.

I don't know if you post on any gripe other than this one, if you don't then maybe there is no problem but , as you used it first , you might prefer that I changed mine to a variation of Kit to avoid confusion. Just let me know?

I am by the way the Kit that has had conversations with Nikki, nicci247, Bukowski, Mike P and others.
8th Apr 10 08:04

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Kit

Terry,
I wrote the gripe, the site admin wrote the title!
And by the way, I left him.
7th Apr 10 09:04

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james

After reading the situation your in, I am in the total oppsite!! I have been paying csa now for over a year, of £180 a month, and my ex will not allow me to have any contact with my daughter. I am living in england, but my daughter is in Scotland. The laws are very different, and the solicitors down here wont help. I am paying off my debts from couple of years back, and dont have much left over for a solicitor.... however, I cant claim legal aid, as I earn too much. where do I go from here!!!!
7th Apr 10 03:04

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Terry

'Absent father makes no effort'. If he wanted to make an effort he'd have stayed with you madam.
4th Apr 10 10:04

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sandra godfrey

My ex has never paid for his son either. He lies every time he is in court (we live abroad so CSA doesnt count in our case) and even though I have concrete proof of his lying it counts for nothing. What happened to purgery? He earns between 1500 and 700 euros per day!! and claims to be a pauper, out of work conveniently on the day of the court case. How can these men get away with this? My court case is in Bristol and to say it is biased is beyond belief. Friends say it must be the masons, or some religious sect that they are all part of, my son is convinced that his dad is bribing the judges. Oh well he knows who he is and more important my son knows the truth. He still visit him, in fact he is with him for a week now, but it wont be long before he realizes that if only his dad spent a little less money on wine and dine he would have some left over for his son. This father it goes without saying left me without giving me a penny but fortunately I too had a business which I gave up to look after my son, so although I live frugally at least I have my son.

They say if you believe in God then what comes around goes around. I look forward to his demise. He deserves everything that's coming to him.
30th Mar 10 09:03

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Kit

Hi, I'm am the originator of this gripe.. almost 3 years ago now... Update... the children went to see him again, it was not nice for them, their father and stepmother argued constantly and made them cry so much they wanted to be home. Their father didn't contact again for another six months, and when he did, the children did not want to go and see him. They spoke to him on the phone, (aged 8 and 9) and when they tried to explain that the last time they saw him, they didn't enjoy it, he told them to f*** off and never speak to him again, that he would contact them when they turned 16, and until then he wanted nothing to do with them. A little harsh I think.
My circumstances have changed... I have met a wonderful man who worships me and my children, and he is adored in return by all of us, we are getting married this coming July, and my children have come to me and asked if they can call him "Dad", and want to carry his surname as if its their own. They want no more to do with their father, as the last time they had contact on the phone it was so upsetting that my eldest daughter actually spelled a swear word to call him, and they are so balanced and doing so well, that I have decided that they will not have anything more to do with that lowlife they are unfortunate enough to call a father...by the way, he still hasn't paid a penny towards them... He now owes £8,500 approximately... Wish me luck in getting it! lol!
26th Feb 10 10:02

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sandra godfrey

I am sick and tired of my ex getting away with his lies. The only time he has been unemployed in his life (he is now almost 60) is when he was in court for divorce the first Mrs G, when I was divorcing him and now when I am going for child maintenance as by his defraud he got away without a maintenance order the first time during divorce. He maintains I am so wealthy that I dont need his maintenance. Not true I too am skimping away, doing without heating, not having a thing for myself whilst he gorges and spends all his money on himself and probably any girlfriend of the time. I am not religious but I do believe some higher being or God will give these men their just punishment. My ex is like Mr. Blobby through all his excessive eating. I believe he is soon to have an operation, I just hope God/whatever gets to give him his just deserts soon and then my son and I can get on with life and future without him.
5th Dec 09 01:12

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Darren

Kit - I don't want to comment on money etc because we only have one side of aurgument.

But . . .a person that can live without see his children for six months without being forcebly restrained or very powerfully legally blocked IS NOT A FATHER ! I understand your conflict on what you may believe your children will miss out on - but . . only my opinion as a father - you need to protect your children AGAINST having this person in their lives ! knowing no father - and I genuinly struggle to say this - has to be better than knowing one such as this! I am always honest with my children and believe everyone should be . . but i've never had to explain something like this -
In the nicest possible way I urge you to get on with your life and allow the children to get on with, lets face it, the best part of theirs - stop worrying about what youve not got and enjoy what you do have - your family !
23rd Nov 09 04:11

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3

Siobhandun

My only bit of advice to you is to NOT take the childrent to see him.
22nd Nov 09 10:11

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madelzy

I can easily relate to a lot of your story...I split after 10 long years from my ex whom I have 3 boys too. He literally lives 2 minutes away from my house and has never requested to see the boys. I work in the evenings as like you, I feel that I should provide a good role model to my children by showing that you need to work to provide for yourself and not be a loafer living off tax payers...which incidentaly my ex does. Because he is in receipt of disability living allowance for a mental health problem, he is only required to pay £5 a week which is unbelievably absurd...gets £500 a month to himself to put in gambling bandits and on alcohol, while I struggle from week to week trying to keep up with latest trends, feeding us and putting shoes and clothes on their backs!!! I think its absurd with what 'dads' get away with and what I struggle with most is how hurt my boys are that their dad just isnt interested in them, his stupid game of trying to hurt me by using them...its ridiculous!!!
22nd Oct 09 10:10

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Bystander

First of all, forget about solicitors. They will not help, and will drain your money and string out the argument as long as possible. Solicitors letters don't scare him or do anything to help.

I suggest you personally write to your ex stating that he will NEVER see his children ever again, since he doesn't value their existence enough to send them so much as a Christmas card or a penny of money to help put food in their mouths or clothes on their back. Be clear: This is THE END of his chance to be a father, and he only has himself to blame.

If you feel he deserves one last chance to be reasonable, go via Mediators. If he refuses mediation then it will count against him if it ever goes to court.

Just my opinion - good luck.
8th Oct 09 01:10

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amy

that guy is getting off with too much! hit him where it hurts his wallet. it isnt fair on you or your kids
8th Oct 09 12:10

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spanishlady

Hi Kit, I know this may be difficult for you, but beleieve me when I say this man refusing to come and get his children will go in your favour. You have sent letters via a solicitor to try and sort contact out. You have done your best, but the situation needs two commited parents to work contact issues out. You are very obviously the one who has your childrens interests at heart. Change your phone number and let him know you won@t accept that sort of behaviour from him or his partner. The children haven't seen him for a while already a few more months won't matter, if their lucky he won't bother taking you to court for contact with them. He needs to make an effort, allow him the chance to make it. If he doesn't then it's best for the children. You don't need him and neither do they by the looks of it. Good luck with all that you are trying to achieve. Try not to waste your energy and time on that so called father of your children. People earn titles like father or mother by their actions. At the moment he's taking the role of sperm donor.
7th Sep 09 10:09

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absent dad

You sound like you have made the best decision of your life..........getting rid of that man,he is the loser.

My advice.......Drop your resentment & anger.Move on with life without him ,he isn't worth the fight.

Keep your respect.Good always wins.

The kids will be perfectly fine individuals with or without father.
25th Jul 09 09:07

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Gainsborough lad.

The only solution I can see here is to fake disability, and screw the system that screws all non resident fathers, then when everybody is doing it, the government might see sense, an ideal result here would be for you to have custody, and for her to pay you, but women are not daft, there's no way she will give up her free 16 year meal ticket, courtesy of a corrupt woman sucking up to government, whoever you are, you have my sympathy........
3rd Jul 09 09:07

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concerned

I own my house which has a morgage,recently have been made redundant,and then the worst thing happens and I have slipped a disc in my back,Ive always worked and supported my son from a failed rrelationship,first volentary and then taken to the csa from my former partner to get the maximum money,I had no problem with that as I was earning the money,now I find i'm in the worst of positions,I can no longer pay towards his upkeep,which is causing problems,but I can hardly survive on the £65 odd pounds I get through JSA.I dont know how long I can manage to keep my house,and its all to much,hence why people get depressed and ill,its a spiral you cant get out off,if any one can find a solution I would love to hear about it,were not all scroungers,we just find ourselves in an awfull situation.
3rd Jul 09 09:07

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Claire

My child is 15 years old and from birth, her father has not paid anything ordone anything that a father should. Now, for some reason, he got a solicitor to write to me to say that he had reason to believe he was not my daughter's father. Obviously, as he has done nothing to earn the title of father, I have not denied this and his name is not on the birth certificate. When we were together, he regularly beat me up in front of my daughter, who was always frightened. Now he keeps asking me to get a DNA test done. I don't see why I should put my daughter through that. Does she have a say?
9th Jun 09 08:06

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Rick

Kit, I take my hat off to you. I say stick to your guns, make HIM make the effort as he can easily afford it.
26th May 09 06:05

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Al

Oh My God this makes me so angry! You sound like a very strong woman, good for you for trying to eek out a living for yourself and your children. Why arn't the CSA able to look at his bank account and get a true representation of his earnings? I think you are in an impossible situation I bet if you asked for money to buy the train tickets he would laugh in your face. Why do people turn so nasty? why can't he see that the children's needs come first (not just their child but ALL his children). I hope that they don't try to influence your children and turn them against you when you take them to visit. I think you know in your heart what is the right thing to do. I hope your situation gets better, I would be tempted to change my mobile number so that there are no more abusive texts because that must be upsetting but then he would probably accuse you of severing contact. Best wishes to you and your children.
30th Mar 09 12:03

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DeeDee

I do know if the CSA are not able to verify is income they can enquire about his expenses such as, rent, mortgage, food, car, clothes, and depending upon the results they can base his income on his outgoings. Ask the CSA to check his employment history, this will verify as and when he has been employed. They do have the facility to do this along with checking benefit income such as, income support and JSA....Good luck!
12th Mar 09 03:03

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em

hi kit
I would say stick to your guns, you have to do the best for your kids and this means putting food in their bellies and it is up to your ex to make the effort to see them . if this means they lose contact then so be it, I would have a chat with them to make sure how they feel and what they know of the situation. I think you are brill for starting your your own business and going back to uni, so many would sit on their bums and claim!! good on you!!!
2nd Mar 09 07:03

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0

Haha

Your kids will understand and you force him into being a good dad. Juat let it be known that the door is open for him to visit them whenever he wants but you and the kids have your own lives to lead and you can't live your life around him. Sorry that was meant to read you can't force him into being a good dad.
4th Feb 09 11:02

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Haha

I ahve similar problems and had a similar problem as a child with my own father. I thought he was a hero for buying me a new toy once in a while and visiting me when it suited him. I grew up though and can see him for what he is and I'm glad that I didn't have all my parents emotional baggage to deal with as well as their split. my advice is to not stop him seing them but don't rearrange your life to accomodate him. Your kids will understand and you force him into being a good dad. Juat let it be known that the door is open for him to visit them whenever he wants but you and the kids have your own lives to lead and you can't live your life around him.
4th Feb 09 11:02

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bittersweet

You are not alone my ex partner father of my 3 kids, tried all methods to stop the csa taking from him, his excuses he couldnt afford to pay what they asked him to, then he turns up in brand new cars, and buys a house, with his pregnant girlfriend,house immaculate,all the latest gear,we struggle, I have to work all the hoursI can so im not a sponger,after 4 years of waiting for the csa to pulll their finger out and even asking local MP for help, I cant take any more, and I was forced to except a measly 250 pound a month for all 3 kids not each child if your wondering, and they have holidays to france and america, and expecting another baby at the end of the year, his family dont speak to me, as if ive done something wrong, and me and his children havent been on a day trip up the road,cos we cant afford to.
1st Jan 09 07:01

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Black8art

It sounds to me like "six of one and a half dozen of the other"!
I am an absent father, not proud of it, just accepting of the situation and the choices I had to make at the time. My ONLY consideration, for the last 11.5 years has been, that my chld should have an easier life than my own. If I had stayed, the consequences for my daughter would have meant constant conflict, "parental alienation syndrome" (perpetrated by the mother's family) and a life of divided loyalties. I could not sanction that!
I have prayed every day since I gave up fighting for reasonable contact, that my daughter would have her mother's looks and my heart and soul. This way she would understand at a later date without baring grudges.
The good thing is, after all this time, (I have not seen her since she was 18mths old) I sent a birthday card for her 13th, and got the most lovely letter back, saying she was hoping for more contact. I am walking on air rght now, but the next steps may be the trickiest.
There are more reasons for leaving than are obvious. My late grandmother used to quote an old saying. "Judge not, lest you be judged".
23rd Nov 08 05:11

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Sam

My mum was once in the same position- raising two children by herself with hardly any money (sometimes she couldn't afford to feed herself, but me and my brother never went without). I appreciate how hard it was for her, and now, at 23, I am grateful for everything she did for me. The CSA are a useless bunch (we never had a penny), but we were all much happier with my father gone. I haven't seen/spoken to my father since I was nine, and I've always known I'm better off without him. Incidentally, his first attempt at contact was on my 18th birthday; a card apologising for being *prevented* from seeing me. Funnily enough obligation for maintenance ends once the child hits 18.

Just being there for your kids is enough. I know it's hard financially, but if you're more positive then your kids will be. They're much better off with just you than getting their hopes dashed over and over again by their father and seeing how much he is getting to you.

I hope everything works out.
2nd Oct 08 02:10

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cynic

I wonder who it was who instigated the split.
Judging by the brief synopsis provided above, the tone of the missive, and the behaviour of the estranged husband, I very much reckon that the Wife left the Husband, He didn't see it coming, she fell into a new relationship very quickly, perhaps was already simmering when she dropped the 'I'm leaving you" bombshell.
He held out hopes for a reconciliation, until she flaunted the new boyfriend, and gave the ex she was well and truly over him, no looking back, a whole new life speech.
he took her at her word, (She doesn't need me) and now she is whining about it.
He saw that anything he did would be of no use
28th Sep 08 03:09

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M

Kit

I feel for you as I have had the same experience, but a little further down the line. Mine are all now approaching the time when they will go to University and I am dreading it because I know they will all have a debt but I just didnt want it to be that large!! I havent had a penny for years from their father and have to work long hours to support my children - who, I will point out, always come first. They are well mannered, well behaved and, I am told, a credit to me of which I am proud.

You can do it alone, it is hard, but to end up with children that are ready to face life in such a positive way gives a real sense of pride and achievement.

I am still battling away at the CSA but to no avail. They promise me the earth adn deliver nothing.

My ex husband is the loser, he doesnt see his wonderful sons, doesnt share in their lives as he chooses not to.
17th Sep 08 12:09

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FIONA

hi ,I dont think your children are losing out on anything by the sounds of what hes not doing!you sound like a strong,sensible mother.I think your children will be no worse off without him in their lives as he isnt making much effort to be in it.you will be safe in the knowledge that you have raised them and took care of their every need and im sure your children will thank you for that when theyre older.I wish you all the best im sure youll do fine,its hard....but youll get there
1st Aug 08 01:08

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Kathleen

Hi Kit! I have been in that situation. I suggest you file a legal case against the father of your kids for support. Your kids are entitled to that benefit.
23rd Jul 08 05:07

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shylou

Can I shop him in? the guys sounds like a complete muppet- I feel sorry for you and the kids!!! oh and try getting some proof of his work history- if he keeps getting re-employed by the same person he should still be liable to pay.
10th Jul 08 08:07

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REAL L IFE

Why should he HAVE to see them. He never wanted kids in the first place by the looks of it. Is it because you want to go on dates with men but your stuck with the kids and confined to internet flirting? Nobody has to see a person they don't want to, just because they are family it makes no difference.
2nd Jul 08 07:07

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Anita

What a stupid comment from Marti. If you treated him better? Does Marti know him then? It's as clear as day that there is no way you should be taking your children to him. I understand you want them to see their father, but a decent father, earning good money as well, would make the effort to see them. I split up with my daughter's father before she was born and he has never given up on her, even though I have not made it easy for him. Give him his due, he pays maintenance, he picks her up and brings her back, in spite of how I treated him Marti..
Kit, you sound like an intelligent woman and your ex and his partner are treating you like rubbish. Enough is enough. Let him come to see your children. If and when he pays, you could use some of the money to take them to him, if you want to.
11th Apr 08 04:04

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marti

if you treated him better......you would have been ok now
5th Apr 08 11:04

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Brittney

I know exactly what you are going through. My ex husband will not pay court ordered child support. Refuses to visit with our two minor children, and if he does visit with our children it consist of a couple of hours maybe once every six months. I have tried my level best with the Prosecutors office to make them do something about him not paying support, and nobody seems to care. He got locked up this year for non-support bonded out six days later. His bond money was suppose to go towards his back child support. Well, to make a long story short....they wont allow me to have a dime of that money. So, now I have to sue the state of Indiana.
19th Mar 08 05:03

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KITKAT

I have a few things to comment on, the first is its your opinion if you think its necessary to work while you have children, I dont know how old they are but if you choose to be a stay at home mum, it doesnt mean you are a lazy sod, household chores and looking after your own kids is a job in itself, just unpaid.I personally think you are crazy to have took your kids to see their father when he cant make it any clearer that hes not interested and manipulating you by knowing you will feel guilty for your kids not seeing their dad if you dont take them.Any dad who wants to see their kids will make the effort no matter how far away he lives.as far as him and his partner being abusive you shoud be the one being abusive, you have 100 per cent done the right thing by not taking them to him, I wouldnt want my kids to be looked after by people who dont care about them so infact your doing your kids a favour.I hope your business takes off and think of him as out of your life and yes you could do with the money but not the hassle so good riddens.all the best x
29th Feb 08 09:02

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lou

I have just read your story and totaly understand where you are coming from , my son is 12 and I am still fighting a daliy battle with the csa for maintenance support from him .
we split when my son was just 11 months old , I am happily married again now but I still often wonder how can somone make a conscious decision planning , talking about making a baby together And when It does finaly happen It's not what they wanted after all ????????? still maybe he think 's it's all my fault we were young I was 22 he was 21 but still old enough to walk down the alter and prettend to me and my family that he was a man until he soon got fed up with restless nights and dirty nappies. my son was 2 years old when after going to contact centres and meetings all got to much for him . I mean I was the one having to use the buses and trains to get there , but he never failed to give a good excuse .My car would'nt start .........yer you have probably had exactly the same . how can they sleep at night ???? Any way take it from a pro DONT EVER give up fighting for what is moraly right for your kid's .
you sound like nice person and GOOD luck !!!!!
16th Feb 08 09:02

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anon

know exactly how you feel.my daughter is 19 month old and has never met her dad even though he lives 2 streets away,hes told me hes not interested in her and will never pay for her ive never had a penny off him, and he gets away with it cause hes self employed, he earns a decent wage bout 400 a week and him and girlfriend are committing benefit fraud as shes claiming to be a single parent and gets income support and her rent payed [HER KIDS ARE NOT HIS] and she gets maintinance off there dad. they both drive illegaily and go on holidays abroad every year while I struggle to pay my mortgage and feed and cloth my baby on my own Ive just found out from csa that shes saying he does not live there to get out of futher action.some men should never have kids.
30th Jan 08 03:01

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Sarah

Re: Great News for the Self Employed Absent fathers out there................

Hey, I feel sorry for you getting stiffed by your ex and the CSA like that.
I feel lucky really, I got £6 when my ex registered himself as self-employed...but now he has filed accounts I owe him. Only fair really.

But bless him, how can he afford to purchase a new plasma TV, brand new car with personalised number plate, new motorbike, £600's worth of fridge freezer if he has to contribute towards his daughter?

Ps... I love sarcasm.
16th Jan 08 09:01

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siobhain

I've met a similar barst**d just like you. He has not seen his child snice she was 18 months old. I've compleley cut him out of our lives for good. He denied us to the parish priest and said that my daughter wasn't his. He has not given us a penny snice she's been born, yet he spends all his time gambling on horses and in the pub. Complete morron. Me and my daughter just make do with what we can and lead a happy fun life without him, Thank God!
Walk away from this man, you and your kids deserve better. Don't worry about your kids seeing him, cause his a good for nothing piece of sh**.
10th Jan 08 01:01

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Shel

Ps I dont agree with the CSA.
£5 per wk I would not go to them if I lived in a cardboard box they are useless.
A bloody insult
5th Nov 07 09:11

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Shel

Well Kit you have done as much as you can. As long as you can tell your kids that you tried then your conscience is clear. I have never accepted any money from my baby's father. My view was and is I dont want it unless you want to be a proper father. I did not want a drop in person interfering and controlling over where my money goes or what I bought. If he was totally committed and wanted the best for his child he would have put effort in and tried a long time ago.
We cannot change people so dont stress just accept some people in this world are stupid idiots! The only persons whos behaviour you can change is your own!! Dont waste your energy, all kids will be let down eventually by these idiots and they will see it for themselves. Unfortunately we also must accept we cannot shield our precious little bundles from experiencing hurt and the like. Good Luck and look forward to a happy future together with mininmal disruption. Shel xxx
5th Nov 07 09:11

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P

Great News for the Self Employed Absent fathers out there................
Dont declare all your earnings to the Inland Revenue , dont bother to contact your son of 12 years old, make out you dont earn much so the CSA saves you a fortune in child maintenance payments.......Result - Kid grows up on £5 a week........Yes that is what I receive towards feeding and clothing my son......nice to have socks eh...but sometimes indeed you need 2 pairs.... Any other mums out there with some similiar experiences, would love to hear from you and on a final note....to all the dads that are the same in this world - I hope that you can live with yourself.......
19th Sep 07 04:09

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serenity

Kit, I feel for you and your children and I agree completely with the last post. My ex and I seemed to fight CONSTANTLY about him having the kids. Everything was twisted to be me making life difficult for him. Then the penny finally dropped (I am not usually so thick!) and as I said to him, basically he just didn't really want to see them that much. I used to tell him he could see our kids as much as he wanted, for as long as he wanted, as often as he wanted and yet STILL, there were problesm with access. Had he wanted them, there would just never have been any hassle.

As it is, he hasn't seen them for months. Often, especially on web sites, the response mums such as we get is that it IS our faults; that it is the hatred the ex feels for US that keeps them from their kids etc etc. And I bought into that for years; wondered how I was contributing to the "problems". it is utter BULL***. Our elder has been at the other end of the country in Uni. for a year now. Her dad spends a week every month working about 10 minutes away from where she is now living. And in her entire first year he hasn't seen her at all. He could have an adult relationship with her without ever having to get a glimpse of me or the whisper of my voice and he has not seen her once.

If these guys wanted to see their kids they would do. End of story. Do not take it upon yourself to wonder what YOU do, what you could do, or what you are doing that is wrong. They just don't want to see their kids or they would. End of.
11th Sep 07 07:09

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Keleakai

Kit don't give in, you've done the right thing. I've spent the last 10 years in a similar situation, trying to keep the peace, letting my children see their dad regardless of the fact he's never paid a penny. I thought it was unfair to stop them from seeing him. Recently I told them I didn't want them to see him anymore, they were a little upset but they're more upset at the way he's made them feel unwanted by turning up now and again and not paying anything. It's just caused a lot of hurt and upset every time he's been around. I wish I'd have cut him off years ago rather than let him screw with their heads. My 2 eldest children don't want anything to do with him now, they're 21 & 17 and my youngest doesn't even mention him anymore, she's 12. The sad thing was my eldest saw him on way home from work the other day, she said it was like talking to a stranger.
Don't worry about the money, things will change. Your ex doesn't deserve children by the sound of it and your children deserve a happier life which they'll get if he's not in it - trust me!
6th May 07 10:05

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Othello

Grass him up! He and new partner are crooks. Get them convicted then see your solicitor, to get an order banning him from ever seeing your children again, as he is morally reprehensive. If he threatens you physically see the police: get him put away. Move away from your present home to somewhere else, unknown to him.

Get a new man in your life: someone your children can call "dad".
25th Mar 07 01:03

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lawadbiding

Kit you are not alone and I commend you on coping with this difficult situation as I too know exactly how you feel. My ex partner refuses to give me anything for the 2 children and only sees them when he has nothing better to do and then runs me down in front of them spreading malicious lies about me being a bad parent etc etc. He has been reported to csa and when they write to him he tells me I can afford to pay for them if not he will contact social services to say I am abusing them. He is totally sick. He claims he will only pay if the case with csa is dropped but thats why I went to them in the first place because he doesnt. He works casual and since Idobbed him in to benefit fraud he cannot claim dole as I dont see why I should work 40+ hours a week while he gets off scot free! My son is 16 and does not know where to turn as his father fills his head with rubbish the other day he asked his dad to give him a lift from his friends house as he did not want to ask me because I had been asleep following a marathon 12 hour shift and his reply was tell your lazy drunk of a mother to do it?! This supposition on his part stems from me having a couple of glasses of wine at the weekends which I think I am perfectly entitled to Ireally hope in this case what goes around comes around or something to that effect!
21st Mar 07 08:03

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Kit

Cheers for that. I personally feel the same way about him, but I'm supposed to keep my feelings to myself so I decided to rant on here! For the children's sakes though, I'd rather it was different for them. Hey ho, thats life I suppose!
20th Mar 07 12:03

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Ray La Maitre

That's a really sad story and my heart goes out to you. I can't believe that the scum didn't even send his kids a Christmas card or present. That is about as low as they get and I would say that you're children are better off without that kind of father figure in their life.
19th Mar 07 02:03

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Kit

A little update.... I've just found out this morning from my solicitor that he has refused to attend mediation to sort this out... but is blaming me for keeping the children from him. I can't win.
16th Mar 07 12:03

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