Ex won't have the kids overnight
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My husband and I are nearly divorced. He moved out into a studio flat (which I paid for - was the only way to get him out of the house) and is in the process of looking for a larger place. He sees the kids to take them to and from school only (on alternate weeks) and other than that has no contact unless I force the issue. |
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I am trying to get him to look after the kids overnight so that I can start to develop my social life again, but he is being really unreasonable. I get sick of listening to men moaning about not being able to see their kids - we're the other way round and it is hard work! I have no one to help with childcare and have not been out in almost 12 months. Legally there is nothing I can do and have been advised that there is no possibility of "forcing" him to have the kids overnight. We last discussed this on Friday when he said that the day I asked him to move out was the day he became a single man and it was my own fault!! There is no way that we will ever get back together and his behaviour is purely out of spite, just to stop me from developing a social life. Perhaps he fears I may one day meet someone else, who knows! |
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I already organise my work around his work rota and have said I will organise my social life around his and that if he needed to swap dates then I would (as long as he returned the favour), but all he keeps saying is that he is single and can do what he wants, when he wants... Being a single mum is incredibly difficult and I wish I was in a position where the father of my children took responsibility for his own kids (just for some of the time!) By: Jan |
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Comments from visitors
I have the same situation,and reached the conclusion its a mans world.I have twin boys who the father rings or txts every now and again to say he loves them,and when he does decide to have them its on his terms..I have put a stop to it he pays nothing towards their upkeep yet I work every hour I can and use what I earn to bring them up,,why do men think they can sow their seed then just walk away as though nothing happened earn wages and think its all for them and their new families and we are so called jelous and have the cheek to complain when the csa get involved,,hang on a minute we are working too our wage goes on the kids,we cant just pop our coat on and go down the pub,or roll out of bed and go to work,we have to juggle childcare,fit our lives around our kids,then have to put up with the clown of anex who thinks your so hung up on him,when really you need the support for the children you made together...so all you poor men that moan,,take a walk in a single mums shoes do what we do then complain..
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Not only do you and I have the same name, we have the exact same situation. This is what I am doing:
I'm making as many new supports as I can, other single parents, becoming friends with my kids parents so I can get a group of people to rely on.
I'm getting a few names of really good babysitters so I can go out after my kids are in bed.
I started working out, running on my lunch hour, and book hair appts, pick up groceries on my lunch hour or while my kids are at school - using some vacation time to get this kind of stuff done.
I've just let my friends/family know that I need help and that I can't rely on my ex (because he has something on his plate not that he's a deadbeat)
I've given up trying to get my ex to take the kids or even see them - one day there will figure out he wasn't putting the effort in and that they will need to match that same level of effort or be disappointed.
Some guys weren't meant to be fathers - don't bother trying to change a man - it's a waste of time.
I'm making as many new supports as I can, other single parents, becoming friends with my kids parents so I can get a group of people to rely on.
I'm getting a few names of really good babysitters so I can go out after my kids are in bed.
I started working out, running on my lunch hour, and book hair appts, pick up groceries on my lunch hour or while my kids are at school - using some vacation time to get this kind of stuff done.
I've just let my friends/family know that I need help and that I can't rely on my ex (because he has something on his plate not that he's a deadbeat)
I've given up trying to get my ex to take the kids or even see them - one day there will figure out he wasn't putting the effort in and that they will need to match that same level of effort or be disappointed.
Some guys weren't meant to be fathers - don't bother trying to change a man - it's a waste of time.
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Sweetheart be real, parents in relationships seldom get a break or a social life. Its just at the moment you`re insecure, after all when you chose to be a parent and your life alters reguardless of whether your in a relationship or not. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and worrying about him having a social life and think about the kids, after all someone has to, it may as well be their mother ." In other words sod him"
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I wish more women were like you and wanted the father to take an active role in their kids life regardles of what happened between them x
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I totally totally know wher youre coming from my ex walked out 2years ago to be with another woman since then he picks and chooses when he has them I want him to have alternate weekends or a saturday night instead of a friday but he wont work with me it frustrates the hell outta me n hes the one that walked away I find it hard to get sitters too I think its soo unfair that us women get treated like we do its about time these so called doting dads should wake up and realise its not always about the mother either its scarring and hurting their kids too shame on men x
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After being married for 23 years and 2 children my ex simply got on with his life and barely saw our 15 year old son who was going thru a rough time. Instead of being there for him my ex spent all his time on the internet looking for a new woman!!! He sees our other young son [11] when it suits him and if he doesnt turn up tells my son instead of letting me know. If he wants a free weekend he texts and says Im going away - no thought for me at all despite a MOA stating he has access at weekends. He just ignores it, me, our eldest son and when he wants the youngest too. He is now married to a much older woman without kids and tells me that "life is too short" not to enjoy!!! What about mine and our children's lives? I have never known anyone so twisted, selfish and bitter in my life. I will never and I mean never live with a man again. I trusted the one I was with for 25 years and now we just dont exist. How can you trust again when the one person you expect to turns out to be a lying cheating manipulative selfish rat.
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After reading your note, it sounded remarkably familiar!! Ive got 4 kids 10 and under and exactly the same situation with no family nearby to help. Im glad to hear its not just me. Suppose we should just be thankful that we dont have the stress of the men wanting custody which is what ive seen from some couples that have split - both bad in different ways I guess. I wish you well in managing to get out a bit more. Very best wishes. Liz
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If you can afford to pay for a studio flat for him why can't you afford to get a babysitter if you 'develop' your social life?
Then again maybe you are actually saying that you'd be happy for him to sleep on the sofa in his studio flat, maybe he's waiting until he gets a bigger place with TWO bedrooms.
Then again maybe you are actually saying that you'd be happy for him to sleep on the sofa in his studio flat, maybe he's waiting until he gets a bigger place with TWO bedrooms.
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Reading this has me feel I'm not alone, I thought I was the only one in this position its just so hard and my daughter is heartbroken don't know where to turn no one seems to be able to help>
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Becca, Sorry to hear that. It's the same story all over but it's not an issue of gender here. It's all about self ex's and there's an equal number of both I think that won't have the kids overnight.
Gainsnorough lad, don't sweat it. Just another uneducated trout. Plenty of them in society.
Gainsnorough lad, don't sweat it. Just another uneducated trout. Plenty of them in society.
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may I also add I have to pay my ex when he does have them!! and he never gives me a penny!..and ive never once stopped him seeing them
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snap im 22 with 2 girls my ex will only see them when it suits him which is hardly ever!!!...they bang on about fathers being hard done by,what about us women...i havent been out for nearly 2 years its depressing
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Ex wont have the kids overnight.15th oct 2009 13:14.
This posting needs some punctuation in there somewhere before it makes any sense to me.
This posting needs some punctuation in there somewhere before it makes any sense to me.
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Gainsborough lad. - 15-Oct-09 22:21
wat can we do to change the law I have been reading a few of these posts and it seems we r almost all in the same boat how do we changed this isnt it only fair the fathers do the same amount of work with the kids as we do the biggest thing they cant deal with is a women moving on
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I go thru the same thing with my ex. He has other kids with someone else and tells everyone im jealous and I make it hard for him to get the kids! he uses that lies to keep me from having a social life because he knows if he keeps them overnight, I OUT!
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I am in the same boat and totally feel for you. My ex promises to have our daughter every 4-6 weeks for the weekend then cancels so he can spend the time with his new girlfriend instead. I have no parents who can look after my daughter for me so am dependent on two of my sisters to have her overnight if I fancy a night out and I hate asking them. I have a new boyfriend who lives a 2 hour drive away so we can only see one another on weekends and it's difficult to actually spend time alone. Twice we've booked a camping weekend to coincide with my ex having my daughter and he cancelled on both occasions, out of spite and because his new girlfriend is more important than his child. I'm at the end of my tether. It's always me chasing the ex to see our little girl and all he does is verbally abuse me. I've decided to no longer contact him; if he wants to see her he can come and get her himself. See how long it takes him to get off his butt - see how much he cares about our child. I don't mind so much the lack of a social life, it's the fact my daughter misses her dad so much and I'm the one having to explain why he's letting her down again. He's a selfish git and it's really getting me down. I may as well be widowed!!
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Meg, I believe he was responding to a poster below NOT to the original post above.
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Gainsborough lad,
By trning the tables do you mean how would SHE like it if she moved into a flat provided by her ex then only saw the kids on rare very brief occasions when she felt like it?????
As for the poster being a typically "nasty female" did you READ her whole post???? The bits about how she has bent over backwards to arrange her entire life, work life AND social life included to enable his presence in his off-spring's life and he STILL isn't?????
You're 100% right. That sums up typical parental behaviour following a split. But it's daddy who is being typical!
By trning the tables do you mean how would SHE like it if she moved into a flat provided by her ex then only saw the kids on rare very brief occasions when she felt like it?????
As for the poster being a typically "nasty female" did you READ her whole post???? The bits about how she has bent over backwards to arrange her entire life, work life AND social life included to enable his presence in his off-spring's life and he STILL isn't?????
You're 100% right. That sums up typical parental behaviour following a split. But it's daddy who is being typical!
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Good one Gainsborough Lad. About time women like that were held accountable for their actions rather than just taking the money and being be-atches.
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So your not letting him see his daughter then? even though he is having to pay for her, as you say you are getting him where it hurts, I rest my case, a clear example of how nasty a female can be, one question, how would you like it if the tables were completley turned?.
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