Absent father: 'I think about her everyday'
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My daughter's absent father left when she was a year old. After less than a handful of visits over the next 12 months or so he had no contact with her for a year or more. Next he left the country and, yep you guessed it, no contact for 3 years. On the rare occasions he, or his family, did see my daughter it was always at my instigation, and I would walk on eggshells, trying to be on my best behaviour in the small but ridiculous hope that he would become the father he'd promised to be when she was born - so no arguments, no questions, no blame, no enquiries about money, no boat-rocking, nothing. |
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The few times we did see each other we even got on quite well, having days out together or going to the odd pub/party. When my daughter and I visited his family and he wasn't there I didn't even ask his whereabouts. That's how muted and beaten-down they had me! His absenteeism and lack of financial support was always the 'white elephant' in the room that no one dared mention, yet everyone would happily sit and berate the parenting of other females attached to the family! Eventually I suppose it was easier to have nothing to do with me or my daughter, as evidenced by the fact her photo wasn't on display, along with those of the other grandchildren, in anyone's house! And yep they never called either! |
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And then one day he "gave in" (his words) to some young girl who'd been chasing him down for years and following a (deliberately?) 'accidental' pregnancy he became a father again. Next he got married, more pregnancies followed and he finally transformed himself into a model Dad to all but the daughter we'd had together ... ... and I gave up even trying to somehow mould him and his relatives into the family we needed. So for another good few years we had no phone calls, no visits, no birthday cards or Christmas presents, no maintenance payments. We got nothing. The new family got everything, which is just how the wife wanted it! So our daughter is all grown up now and, following a final prod from me, he's finally started paying her 'pocket money' and sending the odd stilted emotionally-void email. He tells me "words can't say" how much he loves her and that he has thought about her everyday ... But love is in actions not words and I don't understand how anyone can think about someone else so much and not DO anything, not call, write, visit? How? Why? Please someone tell me WHY? I've since learnt, through child-protection training, that emotional neglect is a form of abuse. From the start, instead of championing us, he has been our greatest abuser, our worst enemy! I don't know why, I can't understand why, I don't get the sense he could begin to answer these questions either. My only thought is that he took the greatest revenge on me he could by punishing our child - and I am beyond grief stricken for all three of us! |
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Comments from visitors
Not much genuine research out there on how and why men disappear from their children's lives......but here is some by Bruce Hawthorne
eg. [www.]menshealth.uws.edu.au/documents/NONRES%20FATHERS.html
Shame the absent dads themselves don't write more about what's going on for them. Less silence on the subject would be a very positive step forward!!!!!!!!!
eg. [www.]menshealth.uws.edu.au/documents/NONRES%20FATHERS.html
Shame the absent dads themselves don't write more about what's going on for them. Less silence on the subject would be a very positive step forward!!!!!!!!!
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My situation is almost identical t this except mt ex husband lames everyone else including our daughter for his neglect of her.
She is suffering terribly, no confidence, low self esteem believing herself to be a freak and he can and will continue to cause her untold pain.
She is suffering terribly, no confidence, low self esteem believing herself to be a freak and he can and will continue to cause her untold pain.
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Why have you hijacked this genuine plea for understanding with your narrowly-conceived ill-informed anti-feminist (read 'anti-women') rantings?? When men stop hating women en-masse we might actually get somewhere close to halting the absent-father epidemic (amongst a multitude of other sins) that is decimating society in the UK, and beyond!
We are all born equal; first and foremost human beings, regardless of gender. We are partners in this crazy ride of a world. We are interconnected, literally and figuratively. There is only one solution to the world's woes - more understanding, more love, more support and compassion, and a good deal less hate, bigotry, judgement, and blame!
Whilst there may be women who appear to prevent well-meaning men from seeing their children (for reasons that may remain non-discernible to others), repeating this snippet of 'wisdom' over and over merely serves as 'mystification' (read some classic feminist texts if you have no concept of what I'm talking about). The fact remains that there are more than 1.5 million lone-parent families in this country, over 90% female-headed, and a common complaint amongst them is that fathers are CHOOSING not to be a part of their children's lives. I suspect, in many cases, this is a legacy of a their own experience of being non-'fathered' by emotionally and/or physically unavailable men (see the extensive body of literature on the recycling of trauma through families). Others appear unable to separate out their feelings towards the mother from their feelings for the child (as Dave's post hints at), or perhaps they so value the pleasure principle over the reality principle, that they fail to comprehend that karma catches up, ie., only the most sociopathic of parents won't find their future life tainted by a decision to alienate themselves from their own child/ren - s**t like that will leak out eventually and make an unholy mess over any nice-new-shiny-clean life one may manage to get for oneself!!
We are all born equal; first and foremost human beings, regardless of gender. We are partners in this crazy ride of a world. We are interconnected, literally and figuratively. There is only one solution to the world's woes - more understanding, more love, more support and compassion, and a good deal less hate, bigotry, judgement, and blame!
Whilst there may be women who appear to prevent well-meaning men from seeing their children (for reasons that may remain non-discernible to others), repeating this snippet of 'wisdom' over and over merely serves as 'mystification' (read some classic feminist texts if you have no concept of what I'm talking about). The fact remains that there are more than 1.5 million lone-parent families in this country, over 90% female-headed, and a common complaint amongst them is that fathers are CHOOSING not to be a part of their children's lives. I suspect, in many cases, this is a legacy of a their own experience of being non-'fathered' by emotionally and/or physically unavailable men (see the extensive body of literature on the recycling of trauma through families). Others appear unable to separate out their feelings towards the mother from their feelings for the child (as Dave's post hints at), or perhaps they so value the pleasure principle over the reality principle, that they fail to comprehend that karma catches up, ie., only the most sociopathic of parents won't find their future life tainted by a decision to alienate themselves from their own child/ren - s**t like that will leak out eventually and make an unholy mess over any nice-new-shiny-clean life one may manage to get for oneself!!
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(1) Love not War! - 1-Apr-10 03:33
Something really needs to change - and it's certainly not less social/economic/political power for women!! Inequality doesn't work folks - just look at China and its 40 million young single men who won't be able to find female partners, and thus have children of their own, following decades of gendercide (anyone read The Economist recently?)
The only thing to do is to invest time, love and resources into your children (some of whom might even be female) - and maybe a lot of patience too if you do end up in a difficult scenario (nothing remains static, all is flux, you get to decide whether you work steadily towards resolution or fast-track into disintegration) - and improve life for everyone concerned including yourself, your kids, your extended family, any future partners and kids, and the rest of the whole freaking world by extension...
The only thing to do is to invest time, love and resources into your children (some of whom might even be female) - and maybe a lot of patience too if you do end up in a difficult scenario (nothing remains static, all is flux, you get to decide whether you work steadily towards resolution or fast-track into disintegration) - and improve life for everyone concerned including yourself, your kids, your extended family, any future partners and kids, and the rest of the whole freaking world by extension...
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(2) Love not War! - 1-Apr-10 03:32
The boot has been on the other foot for quite a long time my love.
Im not for one minuet saying men should be second class citizens like women have been for years, just get of our back and climb down the pedestal you have climbed upon and accept that women are in the work place and can maintain home/work balance.
Im not a 'feminist' just a realist (i would never burn my bra cost too much money!).
I work because I enjoy it and to take some of the financial strain from my husband. Im not 'power happy' or shout iam woman hear me roar......i am me...a wife, mother AND employee.
Im not for one minuet saying men should be second class citizens like women have been for years, just get of our back and climb down the pedestal you have climbed upon and accept that women are in the work place and can maintain home/work balance.
Im not a 'feminist' just a realist (i would never burn my bra cost too much money!).
I work because I enjoy it and to take some of the financial strain from my husband. Im not 'power happy' or shout iam woman hear me roar......i am me...a wife, mother AND employee.
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While we are on the subject of sexist low life scum I have one name for you all “Jacqui Smith" The woman is a hideous throw back to the 70's Male. She is hell bent on ruining the life of every man on the planet. She was behind last year’s bill passed through parliament making it ok to discriminate against men in the work place. Her bill to raise the driving age for men and men alone was thankfully blocked. Is this not sexism? How would you girls feel if the boot had been on the other foot?
And a serious question now! Have you ever seen Harriet Harman and Jacqui Smith in the same room together? I know it sounds crazy but I cannot tell them apart? Are they the same person?
And a serious question now! Have you ever seen Harriet Harman and Jacqui Smith in the same room together? I know it sounds crazy but I cannot tell them apart? Are they the same person?
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Being divorced once, I only know to well what it is like to give women the full control of the household money, loads of ladies nights out, a new full wardrobe, and 50p smartprice sausages on nearly every sunday dinner table for the kids, and no this is not made up.
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Gainsborough lad. - 3-Mar-10 10:29
Thanks grumpyoldwoman that was an unexpected breath of fresh air. Economics! Inflation! and control are the main reasons why the feminist movement was stolen by the government. They have used the battle of the sexes to undermine the work force and most women cannot see or refuse to see this at all. When they have finished wrecking the status of men in the country and women are top of the pile, they will then turn the argument against women. We have all become selfish fools men and women, and our children are paying a heavy price due to this whole sorry situation.
Divide and conquer was the tactic of our government and you ladies were the weak link they targeted. Never in their wildest dreams did they imagine how exploitable the modern woman was.
Divide and conquer was the tactic of our government and you ladies were the weak link they targeted. Never in their wildest dreams did they imagine how exploitable the modern woman was.
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I have to agree with alot of what Aleedsfella says. The problem with the feminist argument about women wanting jobs and careers is that it has now become acceptable for a family to need two wage packets to survive. Once upon a time a family could survive with one parent working and the other at home doing everything else, but I believe the wages of the "breadwinner", usually the father, were relatively higher than they are now.
Yes, rampant consumerism also plays a large part; but how many women work and pay someone else to look after their kids? Why? These kids today with mobile phones, computers, ipods and all the other cr*p are no happier than the kids of previous generations.
I'm not saying that a woman's place is in the kitchen (being one myself), but I don't think the feminists have done us many favours. If one parent has a career it can be either, but two careers and children very rarely works well; the kids often end up spending more time with the nanny than either parent, so what was the point in having them in the first place?
It does also have to be repeated; feminism has led to the victimisation of men in many ways, such as tv adverts which make fun of men. It would never be allowed the other way around!
Yes, rampant consumerism also plays a large part; but how many women work and pay someone else to look after their kids? Why? These kids today with mobile phones, computers, ipods and all the other cr*p are no happier than the kids of previous generations.
I'm not saying that a woman's place is in the kitchen (being one myself), but I don't think the feminists have done us many favours. If one parent has a career it can be either, but two careers and children very rarely works well; the kids often end up spending more time with the nanny than either parent, so what was the point in having them in the first place?
It does also have to be repeated; feminism has led to the victimisation of men in many ways, such as tv adverts which make fun of men. It would never be allowed the other way around!
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grumpyoldwoman - 3-Mar-10 08:29
Not single, not gay, not old, and I Never mentioned the kitchen. A Typical type of deluded feminist retort (pmsl), you did not even try to address the core economic point I was trying to make. The modern female simply craves control of everything; Equality on your terms is not equality! It’s will all be back to normal soon as the system that has recklessly empowered women is in full collapse.
The economy cannot support the narcissistic feminist dream anymore. You want to work but expect a year off with pay for every kid you have, you should get that promotion simply as you have a fanny, and anything that does not go your way is sexual discrimination. When did women turn into this hideously weak minded mess? You have sold out your children you men and yourselves to the state. You have not climbed life’s ladder any higher, you just helped the state push men back down it. And as men have already worked out the ladder goes nowhere anyway
The economy cannot support the narcissistic feminist dream anymore. You want to work but expect a year off with pay for every kid you have, you should get that promotion simply as you have a fanny, and anything that does not go your way is sexual discrimination. When did women turn into this hideously weak minded mess? You have sold out your children you men and yourselves to the state. You have not climbed life’s ladder any higher, you just helped the state push men back down it. And as men have already worked out the ladder goes nowhere anyway
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aleedsfella, I take it you either single gay or old? if your saying that because women are no longer accepting to, as you put it 'stay in the kitchen' and now the world is going to pot does that not also mean because the man has to take more responsibility in the home he cant cope? Most of the women I know (self included) are happily married with children and work, and oh my god, shock horror, the house is still standing, food is still freshly prepared and on the table, but even more shocking the male in the relationship is happy to help do it!!!!
I really do think you need to get your self the love of a good woman then maybe..just maybe you will see that just because women don't have d1cks doesn't mean they cant go to work or call the shots...you said it your self its 2010 not the pre war when a woman would never back answer her husband.
I really do think you need to get your self the love of a good woman then maybe..just maybe you will see that just because women don't have d1cks doesn't mean they cant go to work or call the shots...you said it your self its 2010 not the pre war when a woman would never back answer her husband.
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Oh my god woman! (Pmsl @ U) When will you women wake up! The pathetic feminist nerve never rests does it? From year 1 to the late 1940’s dad ruled and the family unit was far stronger. Then the rot set in and now in 2010 the balance of power has swung fully to mum. Look at the mess we are in it has gone all gone very wrong, and like it or not girls you are in the driving seat, you are the captain of the ship and its sinking fast.
The Battle of the sexes is a joke! Back in the day suffragettes had a damn good argument. Yes they were right to fight for the vote but this all started in 1897 when Millicent Fawcett founded the “National Union of Women's Suffrage” and then in 1903 Emmeline, Christabel, and Sylvia Pankhurst formed the “Woman’s social and political Union” sort of hijacking the movement (just like one of those nasty men would). As I said these women had a point and through great personal sacrifice and suffering they won their fight. But times have moved on girls the feminist movement has been exploited by government to prop up the economy. Think about it girls, it’s simple economics the government doubled the amount of available labour over night and now that all you empowered wonderful women are working every our god sends, They have began to import labour from over sea in an uncontrolled immigration nightmare. They stole the whole feminist ideal from you and use it for the economy, you did not fight your way out of the kitchen. You were dragged out and exploited by the government, you were dragged out to undermine your men in the same way that immigrant labour is being used to undermine us all now.
Drop the feminist pipe dream it’s over, Just choose family OR career.
The Battle of the sexes is a joke! Back in the day suffragettes had a damn good argument. Yes they were right to fight for the vote but this all started in 1897 when Millicent Fawcett founded the “National Union of Women's Suffrage” and then in 1903 Emmeline, Christabel, and Sylvia Pankhurst formed the “Woman’s social and political Union” sort of hijacking the movement (just like one of those nasty men would). As I said these women had a point and through great personal sacrifice and suffering they won their fight. But times have moved on girls the feminist movement has been exploited by government to prop up the economy. Think about it girls, it’s simple economics the government doubled the amount of available labour over night and now that all you empowered wonderful women are working every our god sends, They have began to import labour from over sea in an uncontrolled immigration nightmare. They stole the whole feminist ideal from you and use it for the economy, you did not fight your way out of the kitchen. You were dragged out and exploited by the government, you were dragged out to undermine your men in the same way that immigrant labour is being used to undermine us all now.
Drop the feminist pipe dream it’s over, Just choose family OR career.
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I think you need to examine why your marriage broke down and the effect it had on him. He probably distanced himself from your child because he was unable to cope with the impact of your divorce. A lot of women seem to want it both ways, i.e. happy to divorce the father, then expecting him to hang around to carry the bags, whilst berating him for not being a "real man". If you wanted to have a "normal" upbringing for your children then you should have worked harder at saving your marriage.
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After reading your story I cried..as my ex husband has done something similar to my sons, abandonment for 3 years now, I still get very very upset for them and find it difficult to move my life on emotionally! x
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My situation is very like the one your in, but one lesson I had to learn is that sometimes you dont get an answer.....Your ex-partner does what he does, because that is exactly what he wants to do!!! If he wanted to be a real Dad to your daughter...he would have been!!! Why would you even give a jerk like that one second of your time!!!! Have no bloody contact with him!!!
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My partner of one year moved in recently with me. His ex left him 3 yrs ago after trauling her way through all the men in the rugby team he played with. She took their three girls aged 6, 7 & 10 to live with the joiner who fitted their conservatory eventually (he doesnt know she was also sleeping with other men aswell as him!) My partner was on his own until he met me and had regular access and has always paid his maintenance (and much more). The ex is now very unhappy as she no longer has a safety net as he has met someone and is finding a life for himself. The youngest has last night told my partner she no longer wants to see him as the other guy is now her dad. It is becoming clear that his ex is starting a lollipop war and is going to make things difficult for him to see his children. She is now saying they are going to start using her new partners name. Although she no longer wanted him and went off with another guy is he not aloud to be happy?
We are dealing with a women here who had been going out to work 4 night shifts for a period of time but had actually only been working two and leaving my partner with their kids whilst she was fueling her sex crazy antics. She left him in an incredible amount of debt and we are making headway with that but is insisting we take her to court to try and maintain contact. We are seeing first hand that some women have no shame and their needs come before the needs of their children! I have seen this situation before despite going to family court, theoretically he still has access to his children but in reality there is a problem every time he goes to collect the children for access!
We are dealing with a women here who had been going out to work 4 night shifts for a period of time but had actually only been working two and leaving my partner with their kids whilst she was fueling her sex crazy antics. She left him in an incredible amount of debt and we are making headway with that but is insisting we take her to court to try and maintain contact. We are seeing first hand that some women have no shame and their needs come before the needs of their children! I have seen this situation before despite going to family court, theoretically he still has access to his children but in reality there is a problem every time he goes to collect the children for access!
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god i'm so sorry! it seems unfair - i've been looking into this a lot online recently as a "new partner" to a father - it seems that if the father wants access it gets stopped cos that's the easiest way for a woman to get revenge, but if you do everything to make it easy for the father, they don't wanna know. me and my oh fall into the former category and it sucks. why can't parents put everything aside for their kids? I hope you get it resolved.
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sad and angry - 29-Jul-09 11:10
Teresa, you need to take action fast. See a solicitor to sort this out. Does the CSA still exist for new claims? Not sure. Get them onto it - or their replacement - as soon as posible. Do not be at the mercy of somebody else's whim. For your daughters - get the monthly amount fixed - and enforceable - ASAP.
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My huband walked out on me and our 2 children last November. I let him come home for Christmas as he wanted a "normal family Christmas"!!!! yeah right, but this is what the girls wanted. It was horrible. We didn't really talk (for a change, not) and he told me how much money he'd contribute for the girls every month. I thought this was fair but he came to pick them up last night (he told me he was having them this weekend!) and said he was lowering it. I'm really not happy but wondered if anyone could tell me what he should be paying for. We've got a joint mortgage and a joint loan. We're in negative equity so can't sell. He's in the Army so is sorted financially and accommodation. Help I feel like I'm going mad as he's having his cake and eating it!!!!
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I am sorry. Some men are terrible fathers. Some get better at it. Some show appalling favouritism for one set of kids over another. Others don't know how to cope and shut down all links to stop the pain of loss. Some are just inadequate. Many of us do our best, try hard, muddle through. That goes for me as the 'father at home' and my wife's ex who did his best to be the 'father elswehere'. I am so sorry but remember.. the mother-child bond is the strongest and from that you can build a home and a happy childhood.
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