My dad shouldn't pay maintenance

Sometimes even these seemingly generous parents love you when it is the occasional visit and their responsibility is just to pay out X dollars/pounds. They do not have to deal with all the other issues and the contact time is very limited so they will lavish attention on you for those limited times. You may find it is a different proposition when you move in with them. Sometimes it is the unfortunate truth that the grass looks greener on the other side.

Because you're very lucky to have a dad who gives you things anyway my dad and alot of other dads I know wouldn't pay a penny towards their children if they didn't have too. My mum can't work due to health issues and he doesn't want to give us anything, so when I'm 18 we have to sell the house give him 40% even though he has a house and car with three holidays a year... And we are left with 100,000 to find a new house while I'm trying to pay for university. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a dad who still helps.

I know what you mean, the only difference is that I don't see or speak to my dad because of other reasons, I am 18 and in full time education but my mum expects me to use ema to cover all of my needs in which that is what my csa is for, but like your mum, my mum doesn't give me anything and rarely does which is a battle getting it from her, although it annoys me because I can't even challenge it to the courts because my mum would win, because its only allowed to ba a parent to parent payment, which some people obviously don't use correctly.

Kirsty, you seem so level headedfor such a young girl and if your heart is saying go to your Dad then go. My partner has children to his ex and she is just like your describing your mother, the court say at 4 they are too young to decide but we are biding our time. If its only a case of college then surely your amazing Dad would assist you in commuting to college each day, depending on nthe distance. Take a long hard think and maybe you can be happy with your Dad and leave your mother to her self pitying selfishness, no child should ever feel the way you do about your mother, it would destroy me to think my kids felt anywhere near what you do about you mother. Keep smiling Kidder and where theres a will theres a way trust me!!!

Follow your heart ... live with the parent who loves you most ... not with the one who you think you should feel responsible for. You are NOT her carer ... Do not feel guilty ... because not all mothers deserve to be mothers ... it's not her fault. BUT you deserve better. God Bless and take care xx

My dad works hard for his money and even when myself and my sisters visit him and our step mum at the weekend he has to work in order to survive. I cant understand why my mum and her boyfriend work and yet demand to the csa that he pay more as a result of his earnings increase by way of working harder. I fear that my dad has no time to spend with us although the time we do spend with him and our step mum it's really fun. My dad has always been there for us and has never let us down unlike our mum. I feel that she made all this happen and that this was her choice so why does my dad still have to pay....... As children we dont see sense and as we get older nothing changes, how we call ourselves civalised adults and yet there is nothing cival when it comes to the csa. I have read my dads letters and cant believe that in order to pay and live you must work yourself into an early grave ! oh there's the sense.

I agree, I have the same problem with my dad exept my dad has had problems with money and my mud demanded 40 pounds a week of him. he was unable to pay for years and now he is in debt where he has to pay 10`000 pounds to her via the csa(child support agency).he`s nearly gone to prison twice and his work mate bailed him out both times and he wont be able to bail him out again, now my dad owes him money too.

I am busy with my divorce for 2years but the 2 of us had come to an agreement with family advocate that I am working 7 days night shift and the I am 7 days off for off days my 2 children is by me she do not want to work and use drugs she do not make an effort to get a job so I do not give her any money but buy school clothes and pay school fees and when it is her time to get the kids I sent their food with.And say in the middle of the week she sent a message to say food is up and have to make a way to get food I do not get a big salary at end of month I have to pay my debt of that she left me with and have to sort out children and buy food but had said I must pay maintenance what can I do I also did kept all slips what I did buy

I completely sympathise with you on this one. My ex wife was the laziest, financially wreckless woman there is. My marriage was torture and I stayed only for the 3 boys we had. Eventually it was too much and I broke it up. My sons now 23, 21 and 16 have had everything they needed from me including holidays, music lessons, travel expenses, clothes, pocket money every month, yet their mother giuves them nothing and swans around in luxury with her new husband. I paid the mortgage on the house for 12 years even while she was claiming it from benefits. My mother bailed her out to the tune of £4,500 after she kept the mortgage money and the bank were going to repossess the house - the ex wife had just kept the cash and not paid the mortgage for a year and a half. She has had the nerve to pursue me through the CSA for back support claiming she has never had anything from me. They have slapped a demand for £17,350 on me which I do not have and would rather rot in a cave than give her a single penny of that. The whole system is wrong and it not only encourages, but rewards lazy, vindictive ex wives while persecuting decent, hard working and children supporting fathers. The CSA don't want to listen to any opposing information, facts or evidence. They are happy with the lies of a woman who wants as much as she can squeeze from me. There needs to be a complete change to the system. My advice to you, is forget your mother she obviously isn't interested in you, only the money she can get from your Dad. Go and live with Dad or at least make sure its more than 120 nights a year, then the CSA will stop your mother being the so called 'parent with care'. Its clear she doesn't care about you one bit.

I was sorry toread your post.......i think that being a parent is a shared responsibility 50/50 between mum and dad ..and it doesnt stop when you reach 16..kids are for life...

hey kirsty :) my mum always moans that my dad doesn't give any maintenance and my brother's dad pays maintenance when my dad's the one that takes me on holidays pays for school clothes pays for school trips etc. it upsets me and angers me!

Hi Kirsty,
I 100% agree with you,I have exactly the same problem with my MumI have read many articles about the CSA and now understand exactly why this is happening. My mother never understood that the CSA are just there to make money out of fathers. I realised that the reason why my parents split up was because my mother was cheating and the reason she went to the CSA is some form of revenge. And this is what the CSA pray on. Even if dad is paying every thing the CSA ask for that money he is paying the CSA is not even going to my mom it is going into the pockets of the govenment and the CSA bosses. My Silly mom will never understand this.

We are all being scammed by a run for profit company. They are not interested in children or parents. They are interested in making money probobly to pay for M.P.'s expenses and CSA executive bonuses. Shut them down now! All matters should be referred back to the courts!

my partner has been away from his first partner for 7 years and had been paying £80 a week for his first two kids,but then had a serious RTA leaving him hospitalised and a traumatic Brain Injury in 2005, which affected his memory and his temperament basically is now a totally different person,we now have our own two kids and my first partner is now married and has a time share and goes abroad often and her husband works abroad often. my partner has been told by the CSA that if he finds employment he would still have to pay for his two kids and does not matter if his ex partners husband was earning a million pound a year we would still have to pay even though ex partner doesnt allow him to see his kids while we are left with my partner being a different person after the accident leaving us with more stress and worry.

Believe me your not alone in your thoughts. I have paid for my son's clothes and football boots, Holidays etc all of his life. He's coming up 17 now and his mother keeps him in trainers with holes in etc. Im sick of this stupid system. Unfortunately the people who have set the systems up dont really care about the people involved, just reaping the money.

Sit down and explain all your worries to your mum she is obviously very bitter and is using you as a pawn in a sad game. Children do get used in this way but I am your mum loves you, she just can`t see the wood for the trees.

I have a similar issue. My dad hasn't seen me since I was 2 and only pays £23 a month for me and my sisters because he has gone out and spawn some little scapegoats he can use to pay less then he should. My mum has always been there for me, and brought me up without his help. She has gone to hell and back with money issues and he still refuses to lift a FINGER. Now I have just learnt that he is supposed to pay £70 now and he decided he didn't want to and the stupid retarded Child Support Agency won't do anything. Here is the Issue:

- He has twins and is remarried and so they apparently take priority.
- He is on beneifts because he doesn't earn enough to maintain his family and so he doesn't have to pay maintence even though his wife earns money as well. My opinion is he shouldn't of had another family if he cant' support his existing one.
- He owes my mum £4000 worth of arrears and still hasn't paid them off.

Am I within my rights to appeal and get some cash out of his to make my mums and my sisters and my life easier?

Sweetheart your mother give you a roof over head, pays for you to live comfortably in a nice warm house, pays for the utilities that keep you comfortable, I assume she drive you to your necessary activities or funds your transport to and fro. If your mother doesnt buy food, what does she eat. Can you help make a meal once in a while with the food that is at home. She probably pays for a mortgage and other debts as well. She live in a family home that accommodates all of you rather than a one bedroom place that would be cheaper if she were on her own. She loves you as she is putting up being disrespected by you. I am sure there is a suitable college next to your dads place, where you will be happier. Look a little deeper. Why doesn't your father provide financial support, regularly. Can your mother pay for all these things you want? does she earn a good income? And if she doesnt know your subjects and where your at, ask your self why? Is she struggling emotionally, is she depressed, does she have too many responsibilities and not enough support. So it sounds like you are staying with your for your own wants. Talk to your mum, I am sure she is very proud of you and your achievements.

One wonders about the whims or quirks of the judicial system when it comes to the question of court judgments. It is the most unreliable of arbiters and more often than not lands us in a quandary or complete surprise. I may be biased.

For what it's worth, here's a link to today's article in our Toronto Star about the devastating costs of a divorce settlement. The court should be one's last resort for mediation. If someone threatens a frivolous suit against you, let him proceed.

Unless he is someone of unlimited means who can afford to spend good money to recover bad money to spite you, or is propped by maintenance and champerty, he will likely fail. Just my thought du hour!

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/577605

Take your mother to court and tell it to the judge. Hearing it from you instead of your dad will most likely make the judge sit up and take notice. A reduction in child support can happen and does in the US for many reasons.