Absent father makes no effort for his children
I am 28 years old and the single mother of two adorable, well-mannered and well brought up children. I do the very best I can for them, emotionally and spiritually but financially it can be a bit of a pain. I have just started my own business and attend university too, but believe I am a good mother with all our best interests at heart. I do not want them to ever think its OK not to work while you are physically able so I hope to prove a good role model to them.
Their father and I split up over 6 years ago, and to this day hasn't paid one penny in support. He is now in another relationship and has a son to his current partner who is claiming every benefit she can lay her hands on. I have tried claiming maintenance through the CSA, and although he has a very well paid job (close to £700 per week), his boss is very understanding whenever they get close to catching him, and lays him off for a week or two so he can claim dole and not have to pay.
On top of this he expects me to take the children to his home 50 miles away whenever he feels like seeing them. And I, thinking I was doing right by my children went along with this, at least up until 6 months ago when I found I couldn't quite afford the train fare if I wanted to get the weekly shop at the same time.
He refuses to come and get them from our home, claiming he won't spend any time with them if he is travelling and won't budge on the subject. He didn't even send the children a card or present at Christmas as it was too time consuming for him. I have contacted solicitors to try and come to some arrangement over contact, but he has ignored every letter, though he and his partner have given me abusive texts and phone calls whenever he gets one.
One letter sparked off a whole new argument, and it emerged that he wasn't supposed to be living with his partner as she was on so many benefits, and they were committing benefit fraud. I was accused of "grassing them up" and that they would make me pay for it. I worked it out that those two are living on about £1000 EVERY WEEK while me and the children survive on almost £200 if takings are good. Perhaps if he paid the maintenance that he can definitely afford, I might be able to afford the train fare. Then again, I don't see why I should make the effort to take them to him. They are his children so he should take the initiative and come and get them.
As it stands, my children have not seen their father for 6 months, I'm skint, and he's coining it in. Am I doing the right thing? I don't want to give in, but I don't want my children missing out either. Rant rant rant rant...
By: Kit
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I am the original griper here. I am now married to a wonderful man who loves my children and so does his wider family. They still have not seen their father, and they do not want to either, because of his abusive attitude towards them, the hurtful games he has played, and the emotional blackmail he has tried to instill in them. He still thinks that they are 7 and 8 years old. They are now 12 and 13 and have their own minds made up. They know what he has done, they have heard it, seen it, and read it. I didn't ever want them to fall out with their father, but he unfortunately did all that himself when he threw his dummy out the pram. I love my children and would do anything for them... shame their father can't be bothered.
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Hi, . I am from south africa. My ex also dont come to see my 2 children. The last time they saw him was 4yrs ago. Doest pay maintainance. And he also dissapeard. There is a standing court order, but I can tell you....NOTHING HAPPENS. I THINK THEY SUPPORT THE FATHERS.
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I am in exactly the same situation where my Ex operates entirely under the radar and I have no idea how he gets away with this. He has 2 cars lives in a riverside penthouse uses credit cards for which he must have a bank account has not paid tax since 2004 yet manages to ply the children with expensive toys and gifts whilst not paying anything to the CSA where the arrears are now in excess of 15k. I have just found that I can take this to an Ombudsman to investigate but as there is 'no confident address' for him although he can easily be located through directory enquiries this is not acceptable as he is not on the electoral register. He tends to use other people's addresses for correspondence so when he maxes his credit cards and defaults on them he can just move on to the next one. I do not penalise my children or him and have never refused access however, his behaviour is damaging to the children and the example he sets is despicable. They are frequently told to keep secrets about his whereabouts.
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the csa fail both the parent with care and the non-resident parent. I myself am a nrp and have been absolutely shafted by the csa, to the point where I had to give up my flat because I could no longer afford to meet the rent and bills, infact they are taking so much of my pay I was close to living in the back of the works van, literally, I am not joking or making this up for effect, it was only through pure luck that I met a girl about a month before I moved out that I avoided the gypsy life style! I believe absent parents should support their children but equally it should be reasonable and allow both parents to live without losing everything. I can fully understand why your ex has avoided paying maintenance because he will be nailed to the wall by the csa. I dont condone in any way shape or form not supporting your children as I stated earlier but there has to be a much fairer system than the present one and if that was the case more fathers would happily pay up every month.
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My ex is just like this and I feel I have let myself be manipulated by him, because I so want the boys to have a relationship with him. He has a court order saying they must spend half the school holidays with him, but he doesn't really want the responsibility. When they are there, they send me one text after another saying they are unhappy. But then when they don't see him, they miss him, so I can't tell what to do for best. We are back in court at present, so he is not answering texts, emails or anything else. He has remarried and wants this new lady to be a replacement Mum! He has even bought an "I love my Mummy" mug for her, which she uses when they visit, although neither of them wants kids. They just want to take mine away from me. Which causes tension, because it just won't happen. I pay for everything and he won't even talk about things from the school or their health. He always hated the word "together" and now has an excuse to parent alone. He is a good father-by-telephone, and God alone knows what he says to the boys when he rings them. Won't visit them, though.
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Hi again, I'm Kit, the originator of this gripe, and like to check in now and again. I'd just like to say a great big thank you for all your supportive messages. It really means a lot.
We still have no joy with the CSA, he isn't registered anywhere, doesn't pay tax, NI, and doesn't claim benefits, so is invisible now, and the arrears he has amassed has now exceeded £10,000. I won't ever see that money, but am quite proud that I have done all I have without any help from him or anyone.
We still have no contact with their father and to be honest, we have never been happier! My son came to me today with butterflies in his tummy saying "Mam! Its only 26 days til the wedding and we'll be a proper family!" (He is the ringbearer and has such a lot of responsibility, the excitement is bursting out of him!)
Jofaz, they probably will want to make contact with him in their own time, but you must remember, you grew up in a fatherless household and look at you. Were you asking about your dad? Did you demand to see him, or take his side? I really think not, and that is what we have to look forward to... Respect from our children for giving everything we have for them, and loving every second of it! I wish you and your girls all the best, I hope you all find the happiness you deserve. x
We still have no joy with the CSA, he isn't registered anywhere, doesn't pay tax, NI, and doesn't claim benefits, so is invisible now, and the arrears he has amassed has now exceeded £10,000. I won't ever see that money, but am quite proud that I have done all I have without any help from him or anyone.
We still have no contact with their father and to be honest, we have never been happier! My son came to me today with butterflies in his tummy saying "Mam! Its only 26 days til the wedding and we'll be a proper family!" (He is the ringbearer and has such a lot of responsibility, the excitement is bursting out of him!)
Jofaz, they probably will want to make contact with him in their own time, but you must remember, you grew up in a fatherless household and look at you. Were you asking about your dad? Did you demand to see him, or take his side? I really think not, and that is what we have to look forward to... Respect from our children for giving everything we have for them, and loving every second of it! I wish you and your girls all the best, I hope you all find the happiness you deserve. x
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Kit, I am so pleased the way things have turned round for you, you most certainly deserve it. I read your story with huge empathy as its such a difficult situation. My ex walked out on me and our twin (aged 2) girls one year ago and he hasn't made any effort to come and see them nor offer any maintenance. He lives abroad and therefore has no legal obligation to pay. I am trying divorce him but without knowing his whereabouts I fear I will be married for a very long time...I find it positively disgusting how anyone can abandon their kids. I worry about them not having a male influence in their life but I don't worry too much, ironically I had no father in my life and I turned out great!! I don't need him for anything and we are so happy. Im sure in time they will wonder where or who he is and let them decide if they want to see him. I have also kept a diary of all the contact he has made and the things he's done for them to read when they are older. He is a waste of oxygen in my eyes and he has/is missing out on the most adorable beautiful little girls lives, I love not sharing them, they're all mine lol x I hope one day I will meet someone like you but Im in no rush. Wishing every luck.
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your exactly right not to travel everytime with your child they say fathers have parental responsibilties so this means he should also make the effort to come and see them. I have a son to an ex partner who does pay maintance but only lives a few doors away from me and cant make a effort in the 6 years he was born to come and see him some men are not worth the air we breathe and children pick up on this in time your child will know that everything they have has came from u.
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Stig
Whatever your ex is doing wrong regarding failed payments for the children's upkeep you should never use the children as a weapon against him. He is still their dad and their relationship with him is entirely separate from his relationship with you.
He is no longer your partner but he will always be their father.
Whatever your ex is doing wrong regarding failed payments for the children's upkeep you should never use the children as a weapon against him. He is still their dad and their relationship with him is entirely separate from his relationship with you.
He is no longer your partner but he will always be their father.
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Stig, I bet he did your house up with nice fittings before he had to leave you his old house to you
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I had such faith in the CSA!!! Until now! I have been waiting since January for a variation settlement as my ex was earning and then claiming JSA when he wasn't working. The system allowed him to do both as it couldn't keep up and no one was updating it. Although this caused confusion, eventually I got a figure worked out and it was passed on to another department for processing and to collect payment. Guess what? They fell at the last hurdle and couldn't get there heads around the variation so I still haven't had any money and every time I ring the CSA they start from the beginning again with another person. It is infuriating.
Whats more my ex sees the children, had a very generous payout from the marriage and took most of my belongings and promised to pay regularly. My question is this.. Shall I stop him seeing the kids until he pays regularly and pays his £1000 arrears? I feel like I should stop him as the kids feel he is useless Dad and they know they are going without and he is busy doing up his new house with expensive fittings etc.
Whats more my ex sees the children, had a very generous payout from the marriage and took most of my belongings and promised to pay regularly. My question is this.. Shall I stop him seeing the kids until he pays regularly and pays his £1000 arrears? I feel like I should stop him as the kids feel he is useless Dad and they know they are going without and he is busy doing up his new house with expensive fittings etc.
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CSA are useless!!!!They should be called FSA as it seems they support the Fathers.My daughter has had 1 payment in two years.When the CSA finally caught up with him(we had to tell them where he was working and for whom!) they Set up a direct debit and he went balistic.Said he wanted the money returned or he would jack his job in.She didn't pay it back and he jacked his job in .She was told because he's on benefits she will get £5 a week!!!! Not enough to feed a hamster.... She has only had 2 of these payments..He is working and claiming benefits and we have told CSA this but they told us to report him to the inland revenue!!!! Complete waste of time and money...Yet he still demands access to the boys ( dont think so) My daughter works full time and struggles with school outfits and trips etc..
CSA turn a deaf ear to this.
CSA turn a deaf ear to this.
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Kit,
I started posting here last year using the name Kit. I have only just realised that some one was using the name before me. Sorry.
I don't know if you post on any gripe other than this one, if you don't then maybe there is no problem but , as you used it first , you might prefer that I changed mine to a variation of Kit to avoid confusion. Just let me know?
I am by the way the Kit that has had conversations with Nikki, nicci247, Bukowski, Mike P and others.
I started posting here last year using the name Kit. I have only just realised that some one was using the name before me. Sorry.
I don't know if you post on any gripe other than this one, if you don't then maybe there is no problem but , as you used it first , you might prefer that I changed mine to a variation of Kit to avoid confusion. Just let me know?
I am by the way the Kit that has had conversations with Nikki, nicci247, Bukowski, Mike P and others.
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Terry,
I wrote the gripe, the site admin wrote the title!
And by the way, I left him.
I wrote the gripe, the site admin wrote the title!
And by the way, I left him.
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After reading the situation your in, I am in the total oppsite!! I have been paying csa now for over a year, of £180 a month, and my ex will not allow me to have any contact with my daughter. I am living in england, but my daughter is in Scotland. The laws are very different, and the solicitors down here wont help. I am paying off my debts from couple of years back, and dont have much left over for a solicitor.... however, I cant claim legal aid, as I earn too much. where do I go from here!!!!
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'Absent father makes no effort'. If he wanted to make an effort he'd have stayed with you madam.
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My ex has never paid for his son either. He lies every time he is in court (we live abroad so CSA doesnt count in our case) and even though I have concrete proof of his lying it counts for nothing. What happened to purgery? He earns between 1500 and 700 euros per day!! and claims to be a pauper, out of work conveniently on the day of the court case. How can these men get away with this? My court case is in Bristol and to say it is biased is beyond belief. Friends say it must be the masons, or some religious sect that they are all part of, my son is convinced that his dad is bribing the judges. Oh well he knows who he is and more important my son knows the truth. He still visit him, in fact he is with him for a week now, but it wont be long before he realizes that if only his dad spent a little less money on wine and dine he would have some left over for his son. This father it goes without saying left me without giving me a penny but fortunately I too had a business which I gave up to look after my son, so although I live frugally at least I have my son.
They say if you believe in God then what comes around goes around. I look forward to his demise. He deserves everything that's coming to him.
They say if you believe in God then what comes around goes around. I look forward to his demise. He deserves everything that's coming to him.
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sandra godfrey - 30-Mar-10 09:23
Hi, I'm am the originator of this gripe.. almost 3 years ago now... Update... the children went to see him again, it was not nice for them, their father and stepmother argued constantly and made them cry so much they wanted to be home. Their father didn't contact again for another six months, and when he did, the children did not want to go and see him. They spoke to him on the phone, (aged 8 and 9) and when they tried to explain that the last time they saw him, they didn't enjoy it, he told them to f*** off and never speak to him again, that he would contact them when they turned 16, and until then he wanted nothing to do with them. A little harsh I think.
My circumstances have changed... I have met a wonderful man who worships me and my children, and he is adored in return by all of us, we are getting married this coming July, and my children have come to me and asked if they can call him "Dad", and want to carry his surname as if its their own. They want no more to do with their father, as the last time they had contact on the phone it was so upsetting that my eldest daughter actually spelled a swear word to call him, and they are so balanced and doing so well, that I have decided that they will not have anything more to do with that lowlife they are unfortunate enough to call a father...by the way, he still hasn't paid a penny towards them... He now owes £8,500 approximately... Wish me luck in getting it! lol!
My circumstances have changed... I have met a wonderful man who worships me and my children, and he is adored in return by all of us, we are getting married this coming July, and my children have come to me and asked if they can call him "Dad", and want to carry his surname as if its their own. They want no more to do with their father, as the last time they had contact on the phone it was so upsetting that my eldest daughter actually spelled a swear word to call him, and they are so balanced and doing so well, that I have decided that they will not have anything more to do with that lowlife they are unfortunate enough to call a father...by the way, he still hasn't paid a penny towards them... He now owes £8,500 approximately... Wish me luck in getting it! lol!
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I am sick and tired of my ex getting away with his lies. The only time he has been unemployed in his life (he is now almost 60) is when he was in court for divorce the first Mrs G, when I was divorcing him and now when I am going for child maintenance as by his defraud he got away without a maintenance order the first time during divorce. He maintains I am so wealthy that I dont need his maintenance. Not true I too am skimping away, doing without heating, not having a thing for myself whilst he gorges and spends all his money on himself and probably any girlfriend of the time. I am not religious but I do believe some higher being or God will give these men their just punishment. My ex is like Mr. Blobby through all his excessive eating. I believe he is soon to have an operation, I just hope God/whatever gets to give him his just deserts soon and then my son and I can get on with life and future without him.
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sandra godfrey - 5-Dec-09 13:10
Kit - I don't want to comment on money etc because we only have one side of aurgument.
But . . .a person that can live without see his children for six months without being forcebly restrained or very powerfully legally blocked IS NOT A FATHER ! I understand your conflict on what you may believe your children will miss out on - but . . only my opinion as a father - you need to protect your children AGAINST having this person in their lives ! knowing no father - and I genuinly struggle to say this - has to be better than knowing one such as this! I am always honest with my children and believe everyone should be . . but i've never had to explain something like this -
In the nicest possible way I urge you to get on with your life and allow the children to get on with, lets face it, the best part of theirs - stop worrying about what youve not got and enjoy what you do have - your family !
But . . .a person that can live without see his children for six months without being forcebly restrained or very powerfully legally blocked IS NOT A FATHER ! I understand your conflict on what you may believe your children will miss out on - but . . only my opinion as a father - you need to protect your children AGAINST having this person in their lives ! knowing no father - and I genuinly struggle to say this - has to be better than knowing one such as this! I am always honest with my children and believe everyone should be . . but i've never had to explain something like this -
In the nicest possible way I urge you to get on with your life and allow the children to get on with, lets face it, the best part of theirs - stop worrying about what youve not got and enjoy what you do have - your family !
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