Absent father makes no effort

Hi, I'm am the originator of this gripe.. almost 3 years ago now... Update... the children went to see him again, it was not nice for them, their father and stepmother argued constantly and made them cry so much they wanted to be home. Their father didn't contact again for another six months, and when he did, the children did not want to go and see him. They spoke to him on the phone, (aged 8 and 9) and when they tried to explain that the last time they saw him, they didn't enjoy it, he told them to f*** off and never speak to him again, that he would contact them when they turned 16, and until then he wanted nothing to do with them. A little harsh I think.
My circumstances have changed... I have met a wonderful man who worships me and my children, and he is adored in return by all of us, we are getting married this coming July, and my children have come to me and asked if they can call him "Dad", and want to carry his surname as if its their own. They want no more to do with their father, as the last time they had contact on the phone it was so upsetting that my eldest daughter actually spelled a swear word to call him, and they are so balanced and doing so well, that I have decided that they will not have anything more to do with that lowlife they are unfortunate enough to call a father...by the way, he still hasn't paid a penny towards them... He now owes £8,500 approximately... Wish me luck in getting it! lol!

I am sick and tired of my ex getting away with his lies. The only time he has been unemployed in his life (he is now almost 60) is when he was in court for divorce the first Mrs G, when I was divorcing him and now when I am going for child maintenance as by his defraud he got away without a maintenance order the first time during divorce. He maintains I am so wealthy that I dont need his maintenance. Not true I too am skimping away, doing without heating, not having a thing for myself whilst he gorges and spends all his money on himself and probably any girlfriend of the time. I am not religious but I do believe some higher being or God will give these men their just punishment. My ex is like Mr. Blobby through all his excessive eating. I believe he is soon to have an operation, I just hope God/whatever gets to give him his just deserts soon and then my son and I can get on with life and future without him.

Kit - I don't want to comment on money etc because we only have one side of aurgument.

But . . .a person that can live without see his children for six months without being forcebly restrained or very powerfully legally blocked IS NOT A FATHER ! I understand your conflict on what you may believe your children will miss out on - but . . only my opinion as a father - you need to protect your children AGAINST having this person in their lives ! knowing no father - and I genuinly struggle to say this - has to be better than knowing one such as this! I am always honest with my children and believe everyone should be . . but i've never had to explain something like this -
In the nicest possible way I urge you to get on with your life and allow the children to get on with, lets face it, the best part of theirs - stop worrying about what youve not got and enjoy what you do have - your family !

My only bit of advice to you is to NOT take the childrent to see him.

I can easily relate to a lot of your story...I split after 10 long years from my ex whom I have 3 boys too. He literally lives 2 minutes away from my house and has never requested to see the boys. I work in the evenings as like you, I feel that I should provide a good role model to my children by showing that you need to work to provide for yourself and not be a loafer living off tax payers...which incidentaly my ex does. Because he is in receipt of disability living allowance for a mental health problem, he is only required to pay £5 a week which is unbelievably absurd...gets £500 a month to himself to put in gambling bandits and on alcohol, while I struggle from week to week trying to keep up with latest trends, feeding us and putting shoes and clothes on their backs!!! I think its absurd with what 'dads' get away with and what I struggle with most is how hurt my boys are that their dad just isnt interested in them, his stupid game of trying to hurt me by using them...its ridiculous!!!

First of all, forget about solicitors. They will not help, and will drain your money and string out the argument as long as possible. Solicitors letters don't scare him or do anything to help.

I suggest you personally write to your ex stating that he will NEVER see his children ever again, since he doesn't value their existence enough to send them so much as a Christmas card or a penny of money to help put food in their mouths or clothes on their back. Be clear: This is THE END of his chance to be a father, and he only has himself to blame.

If you feel he deserves one last chance to be reasonable, go via Mediators. If he refuses mediation then it will count against him if it ever goes to court.

Just my opinion - good luck.

that guy is getting off with too much! hit him where it hurts his wallet. it isnt fair on you or your kids

Hi Kit, I know this may be difficult for you, but beleieve me when I say this man refusing to come and get his children will go in your favour. You have sent letters via a solicitor to try and sort contact out. You have done your best, but the situation needs two commited parents to work contact issues out. You are very obviously the one who has your childrens interests at heart. Change your phone number and let him know you won@t accept that sort of behaviour from him or his partner. The children haven't seen him for a while already a few more months won't matter, if their lucky he won't bother taking you to court for contact with them. He needs to make an effort, allow him the chance to make it. If he doesn't then it's best for the children. You don't need him and neither do they by the looks of it. Good luck with all that you are trying to achieve. Try not to waste your energy and time on that so called father of your children. People earn titles like father or mother by their actions. At the moment he's taking the role of sperm donor.

You sound like you have made the best decision of your life..........getting rid of that man,he is the loser.

My advice.......Drop your resentment & anger.Move on with life without him ,he isn't worth the fight.

Keep your respect.Good always wins.

The kids will be perfectly fine individuals with or without father.

The only solution I can see here is to fake disability, and screw the system that screws all non resident fathers, then when everybody is doing it, the government might see sense, an ideal result here would be for you to have custody, and for her to pay you, but women are not daft, there's no way she will give up her free 16 year meal ticket, courtesy of a corrupt woman sucking up to government, whoever you are, you have my sympathy........

I own my house which has a morgage,recently have been made redundant,and then the worst thing happens and I have slipped a disc in my back,Ive always worked and supported my son from a failed rrelationship,first volentary and then taken to the csa from my former partner to get the maximum money,I had no problem with that as I was earning the money,now I find i'm in the worst of positions,I can no longer pay towards his upkeep,which is causing problems,but I can hardly survive on the £65 odd pounds I get through JSA.I dont know how long I can manage to keep my house,and its all to much,hence why people get depressed and ill,its a spiral you cant get out off,if any one can find a solution I would love to hear about it,were not all scroungers,we just find ourselves in an awfull situation.

My child is 15 years old and from birth, her father has not paid anything ordone anything that a father should. Now, for some reason, he got a solicitor to write to me to say that he had reason to believe he was not my daughter's father. Obviously, as he has done nothing to earn the title of father, I have not denied this and his name is not on the birth certificate. When we were together, he regularly beat me up in front of my daughter, who was always frightened. Now he keeps asking me to get a DNA test done. I don't see why I should put my daughter through that. Does she have a say?