We've got idiots on the road

There are many different types of road users out there on our roads, some good, some bad and whilst none of us are perfect I have noticed that there are categories of drivers that may not be breaking the law but make life a misery for everyone.

I shall start off with one that most of us are familiar with and I like to call them “middle lane merchants”.  These people are incredibly frustrating and even when cars are undertaking them they are totally oblivious to their wrong doings and the world around them.

However they can be passed with a disapproving glare and shortly after the frustration fades away, they are history (until the next one).  There’s no point in getting mad at these people as they cannot be helped.

Then we have the “safe driver”.  These drivers can be spotted from a distance by the trademark fish on the boot of the car (you know the one).  They are usually wearing driving gloves as the steering wheel is obviously so hideously textured that they cannot bear to touch it and they have a dodgy Burberry style blanket on the back seat – clearly a fashion statement.

They are usually driving a Volvo and it’s usually a really fast one such as a T5 ironically!  This person seems to think that by driving along at 50mph on major motorways they are the safest driver on the road.  Even though I have stereotyped this driver I have no prejudice as he or she is genuinely trying not to pose a threat to anyone; unlike your little idiot in his 1.1 Corsa with 18inch alloys and stupid loud exhaust (don't get me started on them).

Unfortunately in this rushed and busy world we now live in “safe driver” does present a hazard.  I have noticed that roughly 80-90% of cars on the motorway are doing at least 80mph where possible and in this scenario a vehicle not keeping up with the flow of traffic becomes an obstruction, obstructions lead to tailgating and congestion, tailgating and congestion leads to road rage and so on.  This isn't something I have just thought up for a rant.  I do a fair number of miles on motorways and I see it happen regularly.

So many times have I been behind one of these “safe drivers” and tried to overtake only to have a BMW or Mercedes approach rapidly in my rear view mirror doing at least 40mph more than me and staying dangerously close until I can get back up to speed.  We have HGV’s that are travelling at about 3mph faster than these “safe drivers”, but the man with the gloves just wont slow down to let the lorry pass quickly.  He just looks at the guy in the cab like he is Beelzebub himself!

Then we have lorries overtaking other lorries, they drive parallel to each other for miles and miles like its a competition one lorry slowly gaining ground on the other.  I'm not going to elaborate on this because I don't know the cure and we've all seen it.

Next is the driver who sits in the slow lane insanely close to the driver in front waiting to overtake but cannot be bothered to indicate, why would you indicate?  That would be like asking for help and an indicator is clearly beneath your standards.  Why would you be asking for help in your Audi, BMW or Mercedes, you are clearly a superior being.  Well my friend, if you cannot be bothered to use your indicator then I cannot be bothered to let you out and you can look at me however you want as I pass you by!

Then we get off the motorway and onto roundabout monkeys.  I love roundabouts.  They are function in simplicity just like a biro pen and are there to make all our lives easier.  Why then are so many people are totally baffled by them?

I see cars sitting on the outside or left hand lane and they stay there all the way round to the third/fourth exit whilst the rest of are expected to know what their intentions are!

Even road markings and great big arrows aren't enough for these people, they just cannot grasp it.  They think that roundabouts were back engineered from crashed alien spacecraft and are a complicated technology far beyond their understanding.

I don’t know how many times I have sat at a roundabout with my right indicator flashing in the right hand lane, when some Nissan Micra to my left that wants to take the first or second exit decides that to save fuel it will go in a dead straight line and into my lane causing me to either brake hard or mount the roundabout itself!  You people should open Google, type in roundabouts and digest!

We next encounter “The Constant Braker…” It’s either stop or go for these people and nothing in between.  They constantly feel the need to brake and refuse to just ease off their accelerator to slow down for a slight curvature in the road.  They have to brake sharply every few seconds and then put their foot down again until they see the next 2 degree bend or bump.

These drivers suffer from a number of other afflictions such as width distortion.  This is when they believe that their tiny, reasonably priced car has the same proportions as a B52 bomber and will dive into a hedge whenever the road becomes narrower than the M20 and a car comes the other way.  Alternatively the may have sports car syndrome, where they seem to think that their bumper is a mere 5mm from the ground.  This causes them to come to a complete stop at speed bumps, like you would at the bottom of Everest before tackling it.  They then burn their clutches out with intense revving to climb over it at a snails pace.

Now finally ladies and gentlemen I bring you my number one rage inducing, door slamming, profanity-sparking pet hate.  It is of course parking.  When I park my car I ask myself a series of questions before I even attempt to get out and lock it up.  First of all, have I utilised the space I have parked in efficiently?  Secondly, have I parked in uniform so as to not cause other motorists to swerve out in the road to avoid hitting the front or rear of my car?  Finally, is it dangerous and have I parked somewhere that may put other peoples lives at risk?

Only once I have considered these three questions am I happy to leave my vehicle and if it’s a bit of a walk then so be it.  Am I right in saying that i am in the minority when I do this?  So many drivers do not even bother to think about anything other than how close they can get to Tesco’s door.

I am sick and tired of seeing cars parked smack in the middle of two parking spaces.  All too often I come home and find that three Chinook helicopters have taken all the space outside my house, no sorry they're not Chinooks they are just normal cars that have taken the same amount of space!  There’s two things that make this more frustrating; first is that they have driveways but don't want to use them in case they get oil on their expensive new block paving and secondly, when you ask them to move to accommodate you, they look at you as if you are a vicious dictator demanding to de-flower their daughters!  The result is, my van is parked a mile away out of sight where anyone can take a browse through the back to see what’s on offer.

I am also fed up with having to suddenly swerve out into the middle of the road to avoid the front wing of a car, parked with the front end a meter away from the kerb, with the rear wheels touching it as if the driver has reverse parked, waited until they hit the kerb and thought to themselves, "that'll do".

And then you have car parks, look at the white lines, they are not there to tell you which way your car has to face, you have to park in the middle of two of them!  Some car parks fine people for parking across over these lines and I think that all car park operators should take note!  Even if they are robbing, mafia type organisations (don't get me started on these guys either).

I think that just about does it, it's been therapeutic writing this and even if it doesn’t get published, no one reads it or agrees with me, I've got it off my chest and that felt good!

I conclude with this.  Why do i pay the same amount of tax on my car that I only drive to my mate’s house on a Saturday afternoon, as my van that I drive hundreds of miles in every week?  Nothing else is ever taxed like that.

Thanks for reading.

By: Jon F