Management jargon and phrases, what does it mean?
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Why is it that middle management talk in a different language? I am currently on an all day (yes, all day) conference call with my sales manager and he's come up with an amazing amount of management jargon. |
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Anyway, in the last three hours he has come out with the following rediculous phrases:
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Why can't they just speak in English? Does it mean they're cleverer than me because they use stupid management phrases that no other person understands? Do they get paid more for saying "I need that by close of play today" instead of "e-mail it to me by 5pm please"? And who said that "being assertive" means you get free reign to be as rude as you like to your staff? My four year old has better manners. And they wonder why they have to "escalate" everything in order to get something done? Stop "raising the red flag up the flagpole to see which way the wind blows it", and say "please" and "thank-you" a few times.
So, in closing, I've crafted some replies to the above list for your enjoyment..
Two words: "GCSE English". Go learn. By: Robbie |
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Comments from visitors
Petra their is nothing wrong with these people they are just commonly known as total c@nts, these people can usually be found either sitting outside Starbucks, in the 1st class section of a train using their laptops or on a Motorway service station paying a tenner for a a vile breakfast.
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Rita Sue and Bob too - 3-Jul-11 23:11
Hi Kenny,
thank you for making it look normal again.
Good luck with the changes to the site.
thank you for making it look normal again.
Good luck with the changes to the site.
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Hi Petra,
Well spotted, you found the deliberate bug. Hopefully it's gone now and you can post without any issues. If not, please get in touch.
Well spotted, you found the deliberate bug. Hopefully it's gone now and you can post without any issues. If not, please get in touch.
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Kenny (Site Admin) - 3-Jul-11 21:16
Why have the inverted commas and other punctuation marks become gobbleydegook? Is there a new way I should be typing them?
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We could not help overhearing two very loud business men in a coffee shop yesterday.
They kept using phrases that equated business ideas with childhood. One was saying things like "we need to bat that ball around the playpen a bit more" and the other, referring to resolving one problem and then being faced with another, said "Well, we got one orphaned child adopted and now we have another to find a home for"
We weren't sure at first if they were actually social workers, but after a while it became clear it was the just the latest management speak.
Is there something wrong with these people?
They kept using phrases that equated business ideas with childhood. One was saying things like "we need to bat that ball around the playpen a bit more" and the other, referring to resolving one problem and then being faced with another, said "Well, we got one orphaned child adopted and now we have another to find a home for"
We weren't sure at first if they were actually social workers, but after a while it became clear it was the just the latest management speak.
Is there something wrong with these people?
+7
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For want of a better place to put this; something which is annoying me at the moment is that many shops have started referring to the staff as "colleagues". Well, yes, to other members of staff they are, but not to me, the customer!
I saw a notice in a supermarket (can't remember which) a couple of months ago which said something along the lines of "if you need more information on this offer ask a colleague". I thought about asking one of the staff how a colleague of mine (in the construction industry) would know anything about their offer, but suspected that they wouldn't have a clue what I was on about.
Yesterday I went into my local Peacocks and saw that members of staff have started wearing badges with "colleague" on them. Gggrrrrrr!
I saw a notice in a supermarket (can't remember which) a couple of months ago which said something along the lines of "if you need more information on this offer ask a colleague". I thought about asking one of the staff how a colleague of mine (in the construction industry) would know anything about their offer, but suspected that they wouldn't have a clue what I was on about.
Yesterday I went into my local Peacocks and saw that members of staff have started wearing badges with "colleague" on them. Gggrrrrrr!
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grumpyoldwoman - 11-May-11 16:52
I was going to leave a corporate comment but decided to 'run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it' before doing so
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Just came across this one....
"Therefore we have a high priority fast burn activity to produce a design and impact assessment"
what a load of management Hyperbally!!
"Therefore we have a high priority fast burn activity to produce a design and impact assessment"
what a load of management Hyperbally!!
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I suspect that these phrases are used in a half baked attempt to hide their complete incompetence and the fact that their only purpose is to create mindless and time wasting work for people to justify their own position!!
When I read your response to "what can you bring to the table?" I pretty much showered my laptop in coffee in fits of laughter!!
When I read your response to "what can you bring to the table?" I pretty much showered my laptop in coffee in fits of laughter!!
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Brett Challenger's comment about "Low hanging fruit" is first class. I can't stop giggling!
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It's the only way management types with no actual brain can make themselves sound more important, by spouting phrases they hear on American TV. People who use this type of jargon generally have no thought processes of their own and should be exposed as the fraudsters they are. My favourite one is "C'mon guys, it's make or break time" To which, your answer should be "Break time, let's go for a cuppa!"
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Hi there,
I think your website is very funny. I work for the BBC and I'm working on a new series for BBC Two with Kirsty Young and it's all about the British at work. The fourth episode is looking at the years from 1995 to the current day and we're looking to talk to people who have got stories to tell about these years and the following issues: the onset of management jargon; new technology that can monitor worker productivity or keep them on call to emails and phonecalls; the work / life balance and long hours culture; social networking sites at work and the boss being a 'friend'; inequality of pay in your workplace; the impact of the increase in contract based work; the increase in organisational restructuring and decrease in job security.
If you would like to get in touch with any stories you may have, please contact me at jo.wade@bbc.co.uk
Many thanks,
Jo
I think your website is very funny. I work for the BBC and I'm working on a new series for BBC Two with Kirsty Young and it's all about the British at work. The fourth episode is looking at the years from 1995 to the current day and we're looking to talk to people who have got stories to tell about these years and the following issues: the onset of management jargon; new technology that can monitor worker productivity or keep them on call to emails and phonecalls; the work / life balance and long hours culture; social networking sites at work and the boss being a 'friend'; inequality of pay in your workplace; the impact of the increase in contract based work; the increase in organisational restructuring and decrease in job security.
If you would like to get in touch with any stories you may have, please contact me at jo.wade@bbc.co.uk
Many thanks,
Jo
+2
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grumpy xx
I like the blurb which states that something was made with, for example, "specially selected" fruit. That would be in contrast then to the usual practice of throwing in whatever was lying around on the floor ?
I like the blurb which states that something was made with, for example, "specially selected" fruit. That would be in contrast then to the usual practice of throwing in whatever was lying around on the floor ?
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Same goes for marketing messages that make no grammatical sense at all.
For example:
Buy this and that or the other and claim your 'free gift' (aren't all gifts free of charge? Otherwise they wouldn't be gifts would they!).
For example:
Buy this and that or the other and claim your 'free gift' (aren't all gifts free of charge? Otherwise they wouldn't be gifts would they!).
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What the f*ing eck are you lot jabbering on about?
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Rider of the Apocalypse - 12-May-10 13:13
out of the box .... one must think reflective in his actual job(s), that is the way which will support a manager always to look around the dynamics of the environment
+4
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Umar Msc.Acc&Finance , man - 12-May-10 13:03
"Close of play is a much simpler way to say .......before the end of your working shift or before cut off whichever is sooner!!.
360 degree feedback is .............. I would like feedback from your subordinates, colleagues, internal and external customers and superiors.
Offline is used during conference calls or webex conferences as .......... I will talk to you about this more after the conference call/webex has finished. "
Why are these phrases 'simpler' when they require explanation? They are idiotic, pompous, confusing, timewasting, self-important verbiage. I have banned this type of idiotspeak in the companies I work for. I return memos and emails which contain such drivel and when people use these terms in meetings I stop them and ask them what they mean.
Now that's thinking outside the box .........!
360 degree feedback is .............. I would like feedback from your subordinates, colleagues, internal and external customers and superiors.
Offline is used during conference calls or webex conferences as .......... I will talk to you about this more after the conference call/webex has finished. "
Why are these phrases 'simpler' when they require explanation? They are idiotic, pompous, confusing, timewasting, self-important verbiage. I have banned this type of idiotspeak in the companies I work for. I return memos and emails which contain such drivel and when people use these terms in meetings I stop them and ask them what they mean.
Now that's thinking outside the box .........!
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Hello. A couple of things from a management point of view. Close of play is used mainly when a company has flexible working hours or like mine is open 24/7. Therefore not everyone I am talking to finishes at 5pm. Close of play is a much simpler way to say to 20 different people before the end of your working shift or before cut off whichever is sooner!!.
360 degree feedback is a simpler way of saying I would like feedback from your subordinates, colleagues, internal and external customers and superiors. Offline is used during conference calls or webex conferences as a simpler way of saying I will talk to you about this more after the conference call/webex has finished. While I agree most jargon goes from the sublime to the ridiculous some managers find some of it helpful with the communication process.
I did laugh and laugh though at some of the replies so much so I may well use a couple at the next meeting :)
360 degree feedback is a simpler way of saying I would like feedback from your subordinates, colleagues, internal and external customers and superiors. Offline is used during conference calls or webex conferences as a simpler way of saying I will talk to you about this more after the conference call/webex has finished. While I agree most jargon goes from the sublime to the ridiculous some managers find some of it helpful with the communication process.
I did laugh and laugh though at some of the replies so much so I may well use a couple at the next meeting :)
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Low hanging fruit - why does this make me think of haemorrhoids?
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brett challenger - 17-Apr-10 17:53
Low hanging fruit - why does this make me think of haemorrhoids?
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