19-March-2010

Management jargon and phrases

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Why is it that middle management talk in a different language? I am currently on an all day (yes, all day) conference call with my sales manager and he's come up with an amazing amount of management jargon.

Anyway, in the last three hours he has come out with the following rediculous phrases:

We're on a 3 way street here
We really need to push the envelope on this one
It's a finely balanced situation, weighted heavily toward the customer
Think big
We need to touch base offline
What can you bring to the table?
Keep me in the loop
We need to get on the same page
Lets take a blue-sky approach
360-degree feedback
Lets park that offline for a moment
By close of play
Think outside the box
Low hanging fruit

Why can't they just speak in English? Does it mean they're cleverer than me because they use stupid management phrases that no other person understands? Do they get paid more for saying "I need that by close of play today" instead of "e-mail it to me by 5pm please"?

And who said that "being assertive" means you get free reign to be as rude as you like to your staff? My four year old has better manners. And they wonder why they have to "escalate" everything in order to get something done? Stop "raising the red flag up the flagpole to see which way the wind blows it", and say "please" and "thank-you" a few times.

So, in closing, I've crafted some replies to the above list for your enjoyment..

We're on a 3 way street here. Interesting result from your driving test theory was it?

We really need to push the envelope on this one. Hell, I love envelope pushing. Beats working anyday. I like the padded ones with built in bubble wrap....

It's a finely balanced situation, weighted heavily toward the customer. Probably.

Think big Why? You're gonna send me ten million e-mails on the subject, meaning that even if I wanted to "Think Big", I have to spend so much time "thinking small" that I haven't enough time to "think big".

We need to touch base offline. You're not touching my base OFFLINE or ONLINE!

What can you bring to the table? My sandwiches and a flask of tea?

Keep me in the loop. Only if it's a tight one that prevents you from moving.

We need to get on the same page. We're not even on the same planet.

Lets take a blue sky approach. Don't you know what the English weather is like in November?

360 degree feedback. Typical of this company.... forever going round in circles.

Lets park that offline for a moment. Hope you never get a job with British Rail.

By close of play. So, we're just playing at this are we?

Think outside the box. You're totally out of your box already.

Low hanging fruit. You're the fruit.

Two words: "GCSE English". Go learn.

By: Robbie

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Those who indulge in management speak quite simply have a PhD in bullshit...

,,, But they lack a GCSE in English Language.

A big phuck-U flies out to the all the management 18-Mar-2010 20:21

Those who indulge in management speak quite simply have a PhD in bullshit.

A big phuck-U flies out to the all the management 18-Mar-2010 20:19

Don't forget the overuse of the word 'engage.' Today, everyone 'engages' with others, they dont' discuss, agree or negotiate. I should know, I specialise in 'stakeholder engagement', which in simple terms means 'twisting key personnel's arms to ensure that things go my way with least resistance' (otherwise laughingly known as getting stakeholder 'buy-in').

A stakeholder, by the way, is someone who has a vested interest in the outcome of whatever they're engaging in. It has nothing to do with buying slabs of beef (for those of you who can't spell).

Very P'd off.... 20-Dec-2009 00:11

loved it, I'll use some of those today, the answers I mean.

freddie 17-Nov-2009 08:43

Robbie, you're so right. There have been others over the years which thankfully don't seem to be used anymore: "Let's interface" (talk?), "I have a window next thursday" (yea, see you in the pub after work), "We need to run the extra mile" (er, do more work for nothing). The ones I hate the most though are "Blue sky idea" (does this mean a good idea?), "Fly it up the flagpole" (shall we give it a go?) and "Brainstorming" (is this going mad?). The worst example which I've fortunately only heard once was being told that "Business is a multi-limbed beast" (an octopus then?). Then again, I guess it's all my fault as I need to look at "The bigger picture" (Aaargh!)

Bukowski 30-Oct-2009 00:00

The ability to use these obscure phrases tends to mask stupidity rather than show intellect, so the answer is 'no,these people are not smarter than you'. I love it when the lack of understanding comes through with gems like "We'll need to turn this situation round 360 degrees" at which point I cannot resist pointing out the flaw in that statement.

It takes real intellect to communicate effectively. In the meantime we shall all synergise
whilst picking the low-hanging fruit and singing from the same hymnsheet (cont'd p94).

Andy 29-Oct-2009 11:21

I am a network engineer in Los Angeles - I was in a meeting yesterday...i heard the term "punch list" & I broke out in laughter & inquired, what is that? to which the reply swiftly came, "its a to-do list", to which I retorted, "so why not just say that?"

Timur 07-Oct-2009 20:55

I am a network engineer in Los Angeles - I was in a meeting yesterday...i heard the term "punch list" & I broke out in laughter & inquired, what is that? to which the reply swiftly came, "its a to-do list", to which I retorted, "so why not just say that?"

Timur 07-Oct-2009 18:09

What's also fun about this mangling of the English language is how when a higher-up throws a new (and probably excruciating) phrase into a conversation -it will then be parrotted by his minions as they do his/her nefarious bidding.

Andy 30-Jun-2009 12:09

Shall we take this offline? (Just joking!)

The word 'engage' drives me up the wall. Everyone 'engages' with other people and organisations these days. Whatever happened to discussing and persuading?

Biggles 30-May-2009 18:09

In South Africa "in terms of" has become a universal replacement for a host of English words, especially short ones. There seems to be a universal feeling that two- or three-letter conjunctives, prepositions etc are somehow obscene or vulgar.

Also:

No politician will ever admit that there is a problem, it's an 'issue' or challenge
Nor will they ever commit themselves to actually solve a problem - they will only commit themselves to 'address the issue'

Well, at the end of the day, bottom line, that's th name of the game.

"You must investigate this problem in order to find a solution" become "You must adress this issue/challenge in terms of finding a solution"

Sam van den Berg 13-May-2009 11:50

How Many Syllables in “Absolutely”? August 2002

(To the tune of ‘How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?”

How many syllables in “absolutely”?
I do hope there aren’t more than one!
Or is it folk who use it resolutely –
Are saying it only for fun!

How many syllables in “absolutely”?
My little song’s only in jest!
But what I’d like to know so resolutely –
Is what’s wrong with the simple word “yes”?

Tony Norwell 30-Sep-2008 16:41

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