02-September-2010

Management jargon and phrases

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Why is it that middle management talk in a different language? I am currently on an all day (yes, all day) conference call with my sales manager and he's come up with an amazing amount of management jargon.

Anyway, in the last three hours he has come out with the following rediculous phrases:

We're on a 3 way street here
We really need to push the envelope on this one
It's a finely balanced situation, weighted heavily toward the customer
Think big
We need to touch base offline
What can you bring to the table?
Keep me in the loop
We need to get on the same page
Lets take a blue-sky approach
360-degree feedback
Lets park that offline for a moment
By close of play
Think outside the box
Low hanging fruit

Why can't they just speak in English? Does it mean they're cleverer than me because they use stupid management phrases that no other person understands? Do they get paid more for saying "I need that by close of play today" instead of "e-mail it to me by 5pm please"?

And who said that "being assertive" means you get free reign to be as rude as you like to your staff? My four year old has better manners. And they wonder why they have to "escalate" everything in order to get something done? Stop "raising the red flag up the flagpole to see which way the wind blows it", and say "please" and "thank-you" a few times.

So, in closing, I've crafted some replies to the above list for your enjoyment..

We're on a 3 way street here. Interesting result from your driving test theory was it?

We really need to push the envelope on this one. Hell, I love envelope pushing. Beats working anyday. I like the padded ones with built in bubble wrap....

It's a finely balanced situation, weighted heavily toward the customer. Probably.

Think big Why? You're gonna send me ten million e-mails on the subject, meaning that even if I wanted to "Think Big", I have to spend so much time "thinking small" that I haven't enough time to "think big".

We need to touch base offline. You're not touching my base OFFLINE or ONLINE!

What can you bring to the table? My sandwiches and a flask of tea?

Keep me in the loop. Only if it's a tight one that prevents you from moving.

We need to get on the same page. We're not even on the same planet.

Lets take a blue sky approach. Don't you know what the English weather is like in November?

360 degree feedback. Typical of this company.... forever going round in circles.

Lets park that offline for a moment. Hope you never get a job with British Rail.

By close of play. So, we're just playing at this are we?

Think outside the box. You're totally out of your box already.

Low hanging fruit. You're the fruit.

Two words: "GCSE English". Go learn.

By: Robbie

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Hi there,

I think your website is very funny. I work for the BBC and I'm working on a new series for BBC Two with Kirsty Young and it's all about the British at work. The fourth episode is looking at the years from 1995 to the current day and we're looking to talk to people who have got stories to tell about these years and the following issues: the onset of management jargon; new technology that can monitor worker productivity or keep them on call to emails and phonecalls; the work / life balance and long hours culture; social networking sites at work and the boss being a 'friend'; inequality of pay in your workplace; the impact of the increase in contract based work; the increase in organisational restructuring and decrease in job security.

If you would like to get in touch with any stories you may have, please contact me at jo.wade@bbc.co.uk

Many thanks,

Jo

Jo Wade 27-Jul-2010 15:22

grumpy xx

I like the blurb which states that something was made with, for example, "specially selected" fruit. That would be in contrast then to the usual practice of throwing in whatever was lying around on the floor ?

Kit 15-Jul-2010 20:04

Same goes for marketing messages that make no grammatical sense at all.

For example:

Buy this and that or the other and claim your 'free gift' (aren't all gifts free of charge? Otherwise they wouldn't be gifts would they!).

Grumpy xx 15-Jul-2010 19:57

What the f*ing eck are you lot jabbering on about?

Rider of the Apocalypse 12-May-2010 13:13

out of the box .... one must think reflective in his actual job(s), that is the way which will support a manager always to look around the dynamics of the environment

Umar Msc.Acc&Finance , management Student B.Z.U 12-May-2010 13:03

"Close of play is a much simpler way to say .......before the end of your working shift or before cut off whichever is sooner!!.

360 degree feedback is .............. I would like feedback from your subordinates, colleagues, internal and external customers and superiors.

Offline is used during conference calls or webex conferences as .......... I will talk to you about this more after the conference call/webex has finished. "

Why are these phrases 'simpler' when they require explanation? They are idiotic, pompous, confusing, timewasting, self-important verbiage. I have banned this type of idiotspeak in the companies I work for. I return memos and emails which contain such drivel and when people use these terms in meetings I stop them and ask them what they mean.

Now that's thinking outside the box .........!

MikeP 04-May-2010 19:50

Hello. A couple of things from a management point of view. Close of play is used mainly when a company has flexible working hours or like mine is open 24/7. Therefore not everyone I am talking to finishes at 5pm. Close of play is a much simpler way to say to 20 different people before the end of your working shift or before cut off whichever is sooner!!.
360 degree feedback is a simpler way of saying I would like feedback from your subordinates, colleagues, internal and external customers and superiors. Offline is used during conference calls or webex conferences as a simpler way of saying I will talk to you about this more after the conference call/webex has finished. While I agree most jargon goes from the sublime to the ridiculous some managers find some of it helpful with the communication process.

I did laugh and laugh though at some of the replies so much so I may well use a couple at the next meeting :)

NiceBoss 04-May-2010 19:31

Low hanging fruit - why does this make me think of haemorrhoids?

brett challenger 17-Apr-2010 17:53

Low hanging fruit - why does this make me think of haemorrhoids?

brett challenger 17-Apr-2010 16:36

Just, I can see your point but it depends on how you interpret the word "collided". To me it does not imply culpability, but the longer version is more passive, as you say.

However, a car which has crossed the central reservation is definitely in a place it should not be, so any collision is not likely to be the fault of the other driver in the first instance!

grumpyoldwoman 15-Apr-2010 16:29

Grumpy, it's because the passive voice of "was in a collision" places less culpability either driver. That's for the courts to decide.

Just 15-Apr-2010 15:16

I heard an example of "police speak" on tv the other day. A police officer was talking about a road accident and he said that a car had crossed the central reservation "and it co... er... was involved in a collision with another car".

He was obviously just about to say it "collided with another car" and changed it to add the extra words! WHY?

grumpyoldwoman 15-Apr-2010 14:14

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